Penny through the Looking Glass
by MatthewHind
Summary: All the rest of the key players have achieved goals or changed significantly with the exception of Penny. This story line sees Penny achieve her main goal of becoming an actress. This story includes a play within a play with Penny and where she plays herself, probably the only part that would be feasible that she could act successfully.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Scene 1**

_**(A Doctor's Reception Area. Penny is there waiting for a meeting. There are two admin staff in the room as well. One of them is on the phone)**_

1st Receptionist: _**(on the phone) **_OK I will send her in. ..._** (turns to Penny)**_ Doctor Jones will see you now-best of luck! _**(Receptionist winks at Penny)**_

Penny: _**(looks puzzled) **_Thanks. I should be 20 minutes ..._** (Penny picks up briefcase and walks towards office door)**_

1st Receptionist: Bet you're not that long!** (said to the departing Penny)**

2nd Receptionist: _**(Speaking to 1**__**st**__** Receptionist) **_How much?

1st Receptionist: $10 says she lasts less than 10 minutes

2nd Receptionist: Done **(they shake)**

_**(Doctor's Office-Penny has her laptop open and is presenting)**_

Penny: So, our new anti-depression drug is highly effective and with no significant side effects.

Dr Jones: No significant side effects? I hear that it reduces a man's libido and causes erectile disfunction. Now that's something that I would call significant! Not that I have a problem with either of them.

_**(He gets up from chair and sits on edge of desk and starts looking at Penny's chest) **_

Penny: Well that was never proven, and, in most cases, it was the result of alcohol abuse.

Dr Jones: How much alcohol are we talking about _**(he gets closer to Penny)**_

Penny: A glass of wine.

Dr Jones: A whole glass! And you reckon they don't feel depressed afterwards? **(he gets even closer) **So, what's in it for me if I started prescribing your drug over the current product? **(he is leering at Penny now)**

Penny: Happy patients who will be forever grateful

Dr Jones: How about happy Doctors? **(he lunges at Penny who pushes the chair back. Dr Jones falls on the floor)**

Penny: **(Grabs her briefcase, picks up her laptop and starts to leave)** I think I will put you down as "Considering switching but needs further information" **(she leaves office)**

1st Receptionist: That was quick.

Penny: You could have warned me!

1st Receptionist: I thought I did

(**Penny leaves office**)

2nd Receptionist: 8 minutes 35 seconds; you win... **(she hands over $10 bill)**

**TITLES**

**Scene 2 **

**Cafeteria at University. Leonard and Howard are having lunch.**

Leonard: You look tired? Not sleeping?

Howard: I'm sleeping just like a baby-sleep for an hour, cry for two hours, sleep for an hour…

Leonard: What is the problem?

Howard: Halley's teething. Good news is that we take it in turns to get up and go to her.

Leonard: So was it your turn last night?

Howard: No, it was Bernie's.

Leonard: So why are you so tired today?

Howard: Well, when it's her turn, Bernie brings Halley back into our bed, puts ear plugs in and goes back to sleep.

Leonard: Awww. Sounds really cute! **Leonard has a soppy look on his face**

Howard: Hello-Do I detect the sound and look of a man with procreation on his mind?

Leonard: Penny's always said she never wanted kids but that situation with Zack and his wife has got me thinking again. I never thought I would ever find someone to have sex regularly with so procreation was something so far off and impossible to reach that I would need a Vogan Battleship complete with an Infinite Improbability Drive to reach there. Mind you you've boldly gone and got the t-shirt so there there's hope for the rest of Geekdom.

Howard: I will take that as a complement.

Leonard: **He stares into space** I just think it would be just amazing. Imagine-my brains and Penny's looks?

Howard: What about its twin? Imagine your eye-sight and Penny's brains? Now that would be a challenge. So, why do you think that Penny might change her mind?

Leonard: I don't really know. I think she may feel if there is going to be a little Hofsteder out there it should be hers as well. I think I might make a fancy meal and buy some flowers and champagne as well.

Howard: Is she still enjoying her job then?

Leonard: Think so. She has just been given a new Territory to work on and I told her that she will really knock them out!

**Scene 3 **

**New Doctor's Reception Area. There is just one Receptionist.**

**From another room comes the sound of a hard slap. Penny comes into the Reception looking slightly dishevelled**

Penny: How do you cope with him?

**Receptionist show Penny her rape alarm**

**Penny leaves**

**Third Doctor's Reception Area. There are two reception staff here.**

**There is a sound of a man crying in extreme pain followed by a large exhale of breath. Penny comes out of the office into Reception.**

Penny: Dr Wolfberg appears to have some severe bruising. He will need an ice compress, a couple of Aspirin and a glass of water but suggest you leave him five minutes to get his breath back.

**Scene 4 **

**Bar at Cheesecake Factory. Penny walks in**

Barman: Hi Penny. How are you? Long time no see. You look the business all dressed up with your laptop and briefcase

Penny: Fine. Well a bit hassled at present. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Makes some of the clients here look like angels. How are things here? Still busy?

Barman: Very. Always short of staff. You're not thinking of coming back are you?

Penny: No, No, No.

Barman: That's a shame. Everyone loved you.

Penny: I might know someone who is looking for a job though. If I-they-were interested might there be a job for urrr-them?

Barman: I could ask if you wanted me to.

Penny: No, No, No, well just sound them out

_**Scene 5 **_

_**Bernadette's Office. She is on the phone to HR**_

Bernie: _**(angry)**_ Well I'm sure there must have been a good reason-OK three good reasons.

No, I haven't heard from her today.

OK I will try and find out what has happened to her cell phone.

_**(Bernie picks up her cell phone and calls-Penny's ansaphone kicks in.) **_

Bernie: (**Puts on sweet voice**) Hi Penny. Can you give me a call when you get a chance?_** (She puts the phone down) **_Like in the next ten minutes!

_**Scene 6 **_

_**Penny's Car. She switches her cell phone back on-looks at screen**_

Penny: 27 missed calls. Last time I had that many was when my Dad found out I wasn't staying at Mary Davis's after the Prom. Better play the voice mail

Automated voice of Cell Phone: You have six messages

Penny: Oh well; better get this over with

Automated voice: First caller. Call received at 13.00

Bill Mavers: Hi Penny. This is Bill Mavers from HR. Can you call me when you get a chance?

Automated voice: Second caller. Call received at 14.00

Bill Mavers: Mrs Hofstadter. This is Bill Mavers again. I really need you to call me as soon as you pick up this call

Automated voice: Third caller. Call received at 14.30

Bernie:(**sweet voice**) Hi Penny. Can you give me a call when you get a chance?

Automated voice: Fourth caller Call received at 15.00

Dan: (**Pharma Sales Boss**) Penny. You have some serious allegations to answer. Call me now.

Automated voice: Fifth caller Call received at 16.00

Bernie: (**angry**) Penny! You pick up that phone and call me

Automated voice: Sixth caller Call received at 17.00

Penny: I don't think I can handle any more of this _**(Starts to switch off phone)**_

Marcia: Hi Penny. It's Marcia from the agency. There is a part that has come up and I think you might be ideal for it. Give me a call when you get this

_**(Penny looks through list of missed calls. She presses the phone to call the Agent) **_

Penny: Hi Marcia-it's Penny. Long time no speak!

Marcia: I've been calling you for a couple of hours

Penny: Yes, I can see. I had my phone off. I thought you'd forgotten about me?

Marcia: Well things have been very quiet recently for a person of your skills and ability. Anyway, I got approached to help find someone for a part in a new TV series that is being launched and I thought of you. They have had problems casting lead female. The actress that they had for the role has just gone into re-hab and they are getting desperate.

Penny: So they are desperate, and you thought of me. Great. You know I have got myself a proper job now as a Sales Rep

Marcia: No I didn't. So, you've given up on acting? But you always told me that this was your dream.

Penny: Well it still is, if the right part came along

Marcia: Well I think this is it

Penny: Nothing to do with Gorillas is it?

Marcia: No, it is something like, well, Friends meets Friends with Benefits only it's funny. There's a bunch of geeks who can't deal with women and a new girl moves in next door. I remember you telling me your neighbors were a bit geeky-that's why I thought of you.

Penny: And none of these Geeks have problems with hair growth or beating their chest?

Marcia: No, definitely not. All I know is they still haven't found their Kaley.

Penny: Kaley. Is that the name—sounds weird. Definitely not a Primate in site and I keep my clothes on?

Marcia: It's TV and comedy and there are no Primates. They are working on the auditions today. I'll give Lucy Johnson a call and sort out the details and call you back with a time and a place. (**Penny turns off phone**)

Penny: OK. What the heck. Can't be any worse than going back to the office. What have I have got to lose?

_**Scene 7 **_

_**In the apartment. Leonard is preparing a meal. There is a table cloth and a candle. There are flowers in a vase on the table too. He is planning a romantic dinner for two. **_

Leonard: _**(Singing) **_Your having my baby. What a wonderful way of saying how much you love me (**he dances around the room holding a cushion from the chair)**

_**(Sound of text coming through. Leonard looks at phone)**_

Leonard: "Something's come up at work—be back late, P xxxx"

_**(Leonard's phone rings. He answers it)**_

Bernie: Hi Leonard. Is Penny back?

Leonard: No; she just texted me to say that she will be working late

Bernie: Oh- mm-oh.

Leonard: What do you mean? Oh, mm, oh?

Bernie: Nothing-well maybe not nothing—maybe not something—maybe not

Leonard: What does that mean?

Bernie: Penny hasn't been heard from all day and HR and her Boss have tried calling several times. She's not picking up

Leonard: Has she had an accident

Bernie: No, she hasn't. Someone else has mind you.

Leonard: What does that mean?

Bernie: I can't really say. Just get her to call me. (**she rings off)**

Leonard: _**(Leaonrd calls. Penny. Her ansaphone is heard) **_Hi baby; Can you give me a call when you can?

(**Leonard**_** picks up a flower from the vase on the table. He starts pulling off petals) **_

Leonard: She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me

**Scene 8 **

**Lobby Room. There are two young Actresses there. Both very glamorous; both blond with tight tops and short skirts. **

Penny: Hi. Is Lucy here?

First Actress: She's in the next room. Are you here for Kaley's part? **(there is a note of surprise in her voice)**

Penny: Yes. Why?

First Actress: No reason, your just quite "different" from the rest of the girls that have been here today

Second Actress: **(coughs into hand**** but it sounds like "Old")**

Penny: Well maybe they want someone who won't melt under the lights and is allowed to stay up past 8.00pm

**Penny walks over to a seat as far away as she can. The door from the audition room opens and a girl similar to the other two comes out. A voice inside the room speaks**

Craig: Can you ask the next person to come on through?

First Actress: (**To the second actress**) Wish me luck! (**then to Penny**) I'm sure there is a part for an older sister

Second Actress **(coughs into her hand again but this time it sounds like "Ugly")**

Penny: (**to herself**) Why do I do this?

**Scene 9 **

**Back at the apartment. Leonard is outside of Sheldon's door. He knocks three times**

Sheldon: If that's you, Leonard, come in. If it's me, I'm already here.

Leonard: **(Walks in)** Sorry Sheldon, I'm a bit stressed, and when that happens, I go a bit crazy and when I do that, I start acting like you

Sheldon: You don't look any cleverer; just the same ol' just above average Leonard!

Leonard: Aren't you going to ask me why I'm stressed?

Sheldon: No, as I figured out that was why you came across to see me and I don't want to spoil your fun

Leonard: It's not fun. I'm worried about Penny again. She's behaving oddly

Sheldon: Surely as she's always behaving oddly to me, what you are saying is that she is behaving normally, which only appears as odd from your frame of reference

Leonard: I am not going to argue. I just want you to listen and then say "There, there, Leonard. There's nothing to worry about. There is a rational explanation, and this is what it is"

Sheldon: I could save a lot of time by just saying that now

Leonard: No, I want you to listen

Sheldon: Oh alright if I must

Leonard: Penny has gone absent at work and sent me a text saying she was working late when Bernadette tells me she wasn't working at all and so that means she has lied to me and I don't know why she has and what she's up to

Sheldon: "There, there, Leonard. There's nothing to worry about. There is a rational explanation, and this is what it is"

Leonard: **(Looking relieved)** Great. Well what is the rational explanation?

Sheldon: She is having an affair with one of her Doctor clients whose taller than you, has better eyesight, doesn't suffer from lactose related flatulence and makes loads more money and that's why she has lied to you.

Leonard: What!? How can you say that?

Sheldon: You asked me for a rational explanation

Leonard: Could you not have lied to me to save my pain?

Sheldon: You've already had Penny lie to you today. I thought having me lie to you as well in one day would really have been cruel.

**Scene 10 **

**Back in the Lobby Room. Penny is by herself. She takes her phone out and is about to dial Leonard.**

**The door from the audition room opens and the Second Actress comes out**

Second Actress: I hope you can speak wierdo? They are nuttier than a Snickers. The only advice I'll give you is to watch out for the one in the turtleneck jumper-more hands than a Squid.

Penny: Thanks.

**(Craig calls and Penny gets up and goes through. She enters a large room. ****It looks like her apartment. Inside the room are six people. **

**Craig, whose voice she heard is the Casting Director and is running the ****audition. He is on his cell phone.**

**There is a young woman also in the room, Lucy the Production Assistant. She has a clipboard. **

**The other four are actors and are all men. Lucy comes over to Penny) **

Lucy: Hi, **(looks at clipboard**} Penny. I'm Lucy. You're the last one today, and everyone is getting a bit grouchy, so let's try and get this done without any hitches. So, what is your take on the part?

Penny: I don't really know. All I have been told is that it's a comedy for TV that is like Friends only most of them are clever.

Lucy: **(looks puzzled)** You mean you weren't sent a summary of the background to the show?

Penny: I was only called today and it was all a bit of a rush. So, what is it about?

Lucy; It is about four geeks who have a new neighbour who most of them fancy. You play the part of the neighbour.

Penny: Well that's a relief. Being a geek might be a challenge. Is there a script you want me to read for the audition?

Lucy: No, were you not told? Craig wants you to improvise with the guys so he can see if there is any chemistry between you all. You do impro, right?

Penny: Oh sure. **(Penny crosses fingers behind her back)**

Lucy: Alright. Come and meet the guys. **(she walks over to four men in their early 30's who are all on their smart phones). **Penny-this is Dave. He's playing Richard (**Dave looks up. He wears spectacles and is dressed like Leonard in a casual jacket and sensible shirt and trousers combo. He stands up. He is noticeably taller than Leonard and quite camp**)

Dave: Hi Penny. Hope you are a little less brain dead than the last one.

Penny: **(She turns to Lucy)** Has the impro started?

Lucy: No, that is Dave being friendly

Penny: **(to Dave)** Well, I hope I'm better

Lucy: (**Turns to the other three guys who are still on their phones**) Guys, this is Penny. She is the last for the day so just try and keep going a little longer. Penny this is Randeep; he's playing Chandra (**a slim, turbaned south Asian man, around 6 feet tall stands up**)

Randeep: Hiya Penny (**he has a Texan accent**).

Lucy: Simon (**Simon stands up; he is around 5 feet 5 inches tall. He is wearing a turtle neck sweater**)

Simon: Enchante Madamoiselle **(he takes Penny's hand and kisses it)**

Penny: Ah Hands.

Simon: No, I play Werner not Hans

Penny: My mistake

Lucy: …and, finally, this is Bill; he's playing Stephen **(the third guy stands up. He is tall, black, good-looking and confident. Lucy is called over by Craig so she leaves them) **

Penny: As in Hawking? And is Richard after Feynman?

Bill: Correct. How on earth did you know that? Werner is for Heisenberg and Chandra is after Raman. All very clever Physicists

Penny: It's the people I hang around with. Can you let me know what sort of characters you are? Who's the wacky one? Who's the shy one? Who's the creepy one?

Bill: You do know your Geeks! I am the brilliantly clever, slightly autistic one who happens to be gay as well although won't own up to it. Someone thought that they could tick as many minority boxes as they could with the one character. Simon plays Werner who thinks he's god's gift to women but is quite the opposite-which, as you've met him, you will see is a brilliant piece of type casting.

Penny: I was warned to keep him in view and only bend over if there was a wall behind me.

Bill: Very wise

Penny: So that leaves Dave and Randeep

Bill: Well Randeep provides a bit of the exotic foreigner who nods his head a lot and says "Exceedingly amusing" twice a sentence, or so it seems. Fact is he played quarterback for his college team and the turban is for effect. I think his part can be described as "in development".

Penny: And Dave?

Bill: Ah, that's the love interest. He is the shy sensitive one that fancies the new neighbour and we all have a laugh at his expense as he makes more and more comical attempts to bed the lovely Kaley.

Penny: Sounds a hoot. So you're playing someone who is gay but are straight and Dave's playing someone who is straight and, if my Gaydar is working properly…..

Bill: Bang on the nose. Don't ask why they cast it this way around. They must reckon I can play crazy genius better

Penny: If you need any tips on playing crazy, I know just the man who can help you. What happened to the original actress for the part?

Bill: We've been working on this for the last three months and she was getting steadily crazier and crazier. We knew she had finally flipped when she started telling everyone including Simon that she loved them. She is now in rehab. That was last week. They've got the studio time to start shooting next week hence the panic.

Penny: Makes sense. Why the impro?

Bill: They want the show to seem as natural so the scripting is "open" to allow some free-flow between the characters. What's your impro is going to be? Last one had us pretending to be in a boy band.

Penny: I didn't know it was impro until a minute ago. I have an idea though

(**In the background Craig puts his phone down and calls over to Lucy to get things started**)

Penny: OK how about this. You four are sitting on the couch and chairs playing a Geeky game. Let's say Dungeons and Dragons. I play the gorgeous but permanently broke neighbour who spends her time sponging off the boys. I will come up with something that I want to borrow off you. You be the one not taken in by her wicked wiles and we can impro an argument around it. The others can take my side.

Bill: Sounds good. Not bad for spur of the moment. Explain it to Craig and Lucy whilst I brief the boys. **(Penny goes over to Craig)**

Craig: Ah sorry about that Jenny. (**He looks at his watch**) It's been a long old day and we are all getting a bit tired. Have you briefed the others about your piece?

Penny: Hi Craig. It's Penny actually. All briefed and ready to go. Do you want to know the outline?

Craig: No, surprise me. (**His phone beeps as a text comes in. He checks the message**) Just let's start

_**Scene 11 **_

_**Back in the apartment. Leonard is sitting at the table. **__**The candle on the table is now burnt half way down. **_

_**Leonard is holding one of the flowers in his hand and is down to the last petals. **_

Leonard: She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me; she loves me not **(The stem is now down to the stalk. He picks up a new one)** She loves me; she loves me not…..

**Scene 12 **

**Bernadette and Howard's apartment. They are in the kitchen. Howard is cooking whilst Bernie is updating Howard on what Penny has done.**

Bernie: Wham; Bam; I'm not that kind of Mam, and then she disappears.

Howard: Wow. She really hit one of your clients?

Bernie: Not one: two, two and a half if you count the one who broke his glasses when she sidestepped him; one of them is still walking with a limp and talking falsetto; the other claims he's now got tinnitus she hit him so hard

Howard: Why? Did they come onto her or something?

Bernie: Probably, but that's no excuse. She was given this new territory because it's full of middle-aged Doctors who will prescribe anything if there is a pretty face offering it. I told the sales team Penny would be ideal for it-lots of flirting and no technical questions and this is how she repays me. She could have cleaned up on her bonus. I've spent half the afternoon listening to the Sales Director sounding off about what she did.

Howard: (**looking worried**) Does everyone get sexually harassed when you meet up with these Doctors?

Bernie: Not everyone. I never get harassed. I try and be nice to them but for some reason they all clam up and walk around in pairs when I'm around.

Howard: Why don't I find that hard to believe. Still it seems a bit hard that some client tries it on, and everyone blames Penny for protecting herself

Bernie: Oh grow up Howard! How do you think someone like Penny is going to make a living selling prescription drugs? She is going to have some serious explaining to do and I don't think I can protect her anymore. At the very least she is going to have to apologize for what she did and hope no-one presses charges.

Howard: What happened to the "MeToo" Movement

Bernie: She's in sales so it doesn't count for her.

_**Scene 13 **_

**Back in the apartment. Leonard is sitting at the table. ****The candle on the table is now burnt all the way down. **

**Leonard is holding the last of the stems in his hand and is down to the last petals. **

Leonard She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me; she loves me not **(The stem is now down to the stalk. He drops the stem on the table and blows the candle out)**

**Scene 14 **

**Back in the audition. The impro has started. The four boys are sitting on the couch and chairs playing a game. Penny approaches and pretends to open a door. **

Penny/Kaley: Hi guys. Is there a problem with the wifi? I can't seem to log on.

Bill/Stephen: No, Kaley the wifi is working perfectly well, especially now that is not encumbered by the unnecessary challenge of downloading a mindless Romcom starring a bimbo with perfect teeth, blond hair and an IQ on a par with this table.

Dave/Richard: Stephen changed it to "Kaley is a scrounger"

Penny/Kaley: Ok. I think I can remember that. Any capital letters?

Bill/Stephen: No; all in lower case **(Penny turns to leave)** and in phonetic Klingon.

(**Penny turns back**)

Penny/Kaley: Oh come on that's not fair. All that grunting and roaring. Could be anything

Simon/Werner: Do not worry fair maiden. Werner the Brave will rescue this damsel in distress **(he bows and then moves towards her)**

Penny/Kaley: **(Backing off)** Well maybe I'll watch TV instead

Dave/Richard: Don't worry. I'll sort it **(he gets up and smiles sweetly at Kaley)**

Randeep/Chandra: But you're the Dungeon Master. You can't just leave the room like that?

Penny/Kaley: Thanks sweety. (**She puts her arm around Richard's waist)**

Simon/Werner: Heh! I offered first. I should have first dibs.

Penny/Kaley: No-one's having any dibs with me, first or otherwise.

Bill/Stephen: I will change the password again tomorrow-perhaps using Orcish instead. You will never defeat me!

Penny/Kaley: Want to make a bet!

Dave/Richard: Can't you offer him something in return?

Penny/Kaley: Honey I think that would be a challenge beyond even me!

**Craig stands up and brings the impro to a halt**

Craig: OK thanks for that. It was very good. Thank you for coming along Penny. We have seen enough. I will get Lucy here to call you if we are going to progress things

Penny: Oh. Ok. I understand. (**she looks disappointed**) You can get me on the mobile if you need to.

**Penny picks up her coat and starts to leave. Bill comes over**

Bill: Nice to meet you, Penny. Hope you get the part. If it was up to me…

**Penny leans forward and kisses his cheek.**

Penny: Thanks Bill. Shame you're not Craig!

**Penny leaves the room. As she does, she checks her watch and exclaims**

Penny: God, Leonard will be mad at me! (**She makes a call on her mobile as she walks out of the room**) Not picking up. Must have gone to bed early

**Scene 15**

**Penny enters the flat which is in darkness. She stops in the kitchen to get a glass of water.**

**There is the remains of a meal and the stems of a dozen roses on the counter. **

Penny: Hope Leonard didn't do anything special for me?

**She walks through to their bedroom. **

**Leonard is in bed but has his back to the door. **

Penny: Hi sweety. I am sorry I am so late but something came up that I had to sort out

Leonard: And you couldn't let me know? What was so important? Work?

Penny: Well yes and no. Look I've had a weird day and I'm pooped. Let's talk in the morning. Love you **(she gets into bed and kisses the back of his head)**

Leonard: Hope you do

© MHA 2019


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Scene 1** **Penny and Leonard are in the apartment. Penny is in the kitchen making breakfast. Leonard comes out of the bathroom in his dressing gown**

**Penny**: Tea and French toast cut in quarters as you like it.

**Leonard**: Thanks. I've had a shower. You've made breakfast. Now tell me what happened yesterday.

**Penny**: I will but you first must promise not to judge me or get upset?

**Leonard**: **(looks worried)** I will but why?

**Penny**: Just wait and listen. I had a problem at work yesterday-well not a problem but problems at work. I told you I had a new territory to look after and everyone, including Bernie, told me I was ideal for it and would do a great job?

**Leonard**: Yes, so what was the problem?

**Penny**: The first three Medics I went to see made Howard look like a Saint. They were just horrible. They thought that they could say and do anything to me just so I could get the business.

**Leonard**: God that must have been terrible. But isn't selling all about a little banter between you and the Doctors?

**Penny:** This wasn't banter; this wasn't flirting. This was an all-out attack. This was supply and demand. I was the supplier and they thought they could demand what they liked. The guys were just jerks, who thought that they could do anything.

**Leonard**: So, did you just walk out?

**Penny**: I did but after making a point

**Leonard**: What sort of point?

**Penny**: The sort of point my Dad told me to make when I went out on a date for the first time and the boy got a bit too frisky.

**Leonard**: Which was?

**Penny**: With one of them, I introduced my knee to his two best friends.

**Leonard**: What did he say to that?

**Penny**: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Credits**

**Scene 2**

**Howard, Sheldon and Leonard having a coffee at the University.**

**Howard**: Bernie told me about it last night. Their idea of a closer working relationship wasn't the same as Penny's. Sounded horrible though for her. It's lucky no one tries to do that with us?

**Leonard**: I guess the sort of Doctors we work with are a little different to the ones she works with.

**Howard**: There was a time when I would have dreamed about being chased around the office by some sex crazed Theoretical Physicist.

**Sheldon**: True but it was only ever going to be a dream and, if it did become reality, it was likely to involve someone weighing 220 lbs called Henry.

**Howard**: Guess you're right. So, were these guys fat and spotty called Henry?

**Leonard**: No I don't think so. They were just medics who were full of themselves and thought that Penny was fair game. I'm just worried what will happen to Penny. Can they sack you for doing what she did?

**Howard**: Bernie seems to think so. From what she told me, these particular guys have a bit of reputation and she thought that Penny could handle them or at least wouldn't mind so much.

**Sheldon**: Leonard, there was a time when someone making advances towards Penny, to which she didn't object to, would have resulted in your face resembling a bulldog chewing a wasp, followed by three days in your room wanting to end it all. Now you're complaining because she rejects these advances?

**Leonard**: That was before we were married. I just want her to be happy, but I want her to have a good job too. I don't think that they warned Penny about what this patch was like. God, I hope they don't sack her. That could cause real issues with our plans?

**Sheldon**: What plans are those?

**Howard**: Leonard is suffering from the ticking time bomb of unfulfilled fatherhood. He's worried that if he leaves it too long to become a Dad he will be too old to teach his son to play football-which, if it happens, will be something that the NFL will be eternally grateful for. Have you discussed this with Penny? What does she think about getting haemorrhoids?

**Leonard**: I never got a chance to discuss it. I had prepared a special meal last night including champagne and flowers to romance her into the idea but she got back late. When I found out this morning about what had happened, I didn't feel the time was right for another man to hit on her, even if it was me.

**Howard**: Well surely if she loses her job, she will have nothing else to do but look after the little sprog. Come to think of it, she could look after Halley as well. Can't be that much more difficult to look after two than one?

**Leonard**: You can't even look after one. Raj has changed Halley more than you have. At the moment, if Penny goes on Maternity leave from her company, they give her a year on reduced salary and a guarantee of her job back at the end of it. If she gets the sack, she won't and I think we will need that money.

**Sheldon**: So this is a calculation in which her reputation is on one side of the equation and the benefits in kind she gets from her job are on the other side. Wonder what other variables are in there? Previous partners would be one. That's got to be factor when calculating the size of her reputation. (**Sheldon opens up the pad on the table and starts doing a calculation**)

**Howard**: Pharma is an incestuous industry, and everyone knows everyone else. Bernie reckons the word would travel and she'd be black-balled. A story like this goes around like wild fire. They'd all think it a laugh what she did but wouldn't want her in their company. Nothing official of course. That's why Bernie says Penny's got to try everything to deal with this and that might mean having to say sorry to the Doctors.

**Leonard**: That sounds sensible to me. I know that she's seeing Bernie this morning. Hopefully she will listen to her. I'll talk to her tonight as well.

**Sheldon**: $3,245. That's what I calculate those Benefits in Kind will need to be worth to equate to Penny's reputation. So you are willing to sacrifice Penny's virtue (**he coughs and says "Bazinga**") in the short-term in the hope that, in the longer-term, there might be an alignment between your short-sighted and slightly flatulent sperm and her monthly cycle.

**Leonard**: Put like that, yes and no. Of course, I'm pleased she fought them off; I just didn't think she would be so direct about it. I mean it's not as though they did anything

**Howard**: Well, I'm with Penny on this one. I would hate it if anyone hit on Bernie and she couldn't respond to it. And if I tried anything like that around here, I would be up in front of Mrs Davis so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

**Leonard**: I thought you had your own chair in her room for this sort of thing? I just guess some companies aren't as strict as here in the way people are treated.

**Howard**: Bernie says that at her company, Sales staff don't count as people.

**Scene 3**

**Bernie and Penny are in her office.**

**Bernie**: (**Shouting**) What the hell were you playing at?

**Penny**: What was I playing at? I was just protecting my honour. They deserved just what they got.

**Bernie**: Maybe they did but those practices are worth the best part of $2m in prescriptions to us. If they pull the plug that's an awful lot of extra sales needed to replace them.

**Penny**: But surely it can't be right to have some slime ball trying to paw you in the midst of a presentation?

**Bernie**: What did you expect? A round of applause? A mention in the next issue of the Lancet?

**Penny**: No, just some degree of respect.

**Bernie**: If you want respect, listen to Aretha Franklin. (**She calms down a little**). Look Penny, I suggested you for this new job because I thought you could handle them. I'm not saying it's right what happened to you but there are ways of dealing with it without putting a client into ER.

**Penny**: They could always prescribe something for themselves.

**Bernie**: Very droll. So, what are we going to do?

**Penny**: What's Dan think?

**Bernie**: Well he is trying to calm things down with the Doctors you damaged. He is not sure what to do. He's still frightened that I'll shout at him, so he was more than happy to let me deal with you.

**Penny**: So, what can I do to sort this mess out?

**Bernie**: You could start by apologising. Tell them you've hit the menopause early—no, on second thoughts, maybe not. They'll probably test you for it and find out it was a lie

**Penny**: (**Getting cross**) But it's so unfair to let them get away with it.

**Bernie**: Well as one of them is still hearing bells and another has lost all interest in sex for the foreseeable future, I don't feel either will think that they have got away with it. Dan's view is that is that we can't put you back in there and he's not sure how we can solve this. If you can calm things down by apologising to them, I think Dan will be more inclined to find you another territory. If you don't, I think you've got to fear the worst.

**Penny**: So what do I do in the meantime?

**Bernie**: Dan thinks that you should stay home for the time being-sort of unpaid leave-until things have calmed down, or at least the swellings do.

**Penny**: (**looks stunned**) So I'm being suspended without pay?

**Bernie**: Guess that's about it

**Scene 4**

**Penny is in Amy's office. Amy is unaware of what has happened so Penny briefs her. **

**Amy**: So they've fired you-for protecting yourself? I only thought things like that happened on TV, not in real life. I'm not sure how I would have reacted?

**Penny**: They've not fired me; just sent me home without pay.

**Amy**: So you're not at work and you're not being paid but you've not been fired. What has Leonard said? Did it bring out the cave man in him-wanting to go and sort them out, challenge them to a duel or something?

**Penny**: Leonard's reaction really disappointed me. I thought he would have been upset for me but he seemed more concerned about losing my job than me getting assaulted by some slimy medic. Looks like he was right to be worried.

**Amy**: How times have changed. I remember there was a time when he would have run through fire for you. Well at least he would have cried or sulked or something.

**Penny**: "No need to fish any more once you've caught one" as my Dad always says.

**Amy**: Well I think you did the right thing there, even though I don't approve of violence. I am disappointed in Bernie as well. I thought she would stick up for you.

**Penny**: I sometimes feel all Bernie thinks I can do is flutter my eyelashes and make out. I reckon I was only given this job because they thought I could handle these creeps. And, if I couldn't, I wouldn't mind what they got up to.

**Amy**: So good for you, Bestie, in sticking up for yourself. I would have done the same-not that anyone would have tried it on with me. Hay, didn't Leonard once succumb to the advances of one of the faculty's rich donors? I am sure Sheldon told me that's how they got their centrifuge?

**Penny**: That's right. It was before we were dating so it didn't bother me. Also, with the best will in the world, Leonard is never going to sleep his way to earning a living. I feel others see me differently. God this is so depressing. **(she looks away)**

**Amy**: So what are you going to do?

**Penny**: I don't know, I really don't.

**Scene 5**

**Leonard and Raj are in the University cafeteria**

**Raj**: Leonard I think you are being a jerk. It was not so long ago you would have been distraught at the thought of someone tall, professional and financially well off hitting on Penny believing she would have left you like that **(he tries to click his fingers). **Now you're complaining because she objects to being hit on.

**Leonard**: It's not that. I know Penny wouldn't cheat on me now we're married.

**Raj**: Oh so now your married you don't need to worry about her anymore!

**Leonard**: No, it's not like that. I just don't want her to throw away her career over something this trivial

**Raj**: Maybe she doesn't see it as trivial. What's she going to do?

**Leonard: **Well everyone is asking her to say sorry at the very least, but she thinks that this would make it her fault.

**Raj**: What happens if she does apologise and she lets one of them hit on her again. You want to be careful what you wish for.

**Leonard**: Maybe I'll give her a call and check out how she is. **(he takes his mobile out and calls Penny. The call goes to ansaphone) **Hi Penny. Hope you're OK and that things are getting sorted. Give me a call and let me know

**Scene 6**

**Penny is in the apartment. She is writing on the whiteboard, trying to brainstorm her problem**. **She draws a cross on the board to create four quadrants**

**Penny**: (**Penny is talking to herself) **Well at least I've learnt something from those training courses they sent me on. If in doubt, draw four boxes and write things in each!

**Penny**: **(She starts writing in the top left quadrant)** "Apologise to jerks **(she crosses jerks out and replaces it with "Doctors").** "Tell them where to stick it and get another sales job" **(she rights this in the second quadrant)**. "Persuade them that I was right and they were wrong" **(in the third quadrant).** "give up selling and go back to acting" **(in the fourth quadrant).**

**Penny**: Well that just about sums up the options. Now let's think through the pros and cons of each

**Penny**: (**She looks pensively at the board)**. Ok. I go and apologise. Who does that make happy? Leonard for starters. **She writes "makes Leonard happy" in the top left quadrant.** **Alongside it she draws a stick-man with a large head with curly hair, glasses and a big smile.** It will make Bernie happy **(she draws someone very small with a smile**). I might keep my job **(she draws a $ on the board)**

**Penny**: **(she steps back from the board and thinks).** However, it will make me very unhappy (**she draws a stick-man with long hair and a frown**)

**Penny**: Ok. Now for the second box. Tell them to stick it. Well I guess it is the opposite of the last one (**she draws the same three stick-men but the first two now have frowns whilst the third one has a really big smile. She steps back from the board smiling**). Oh, forgot something (**she goes back to the board and writes a $ with a line through it**)

**Penny**: Now number three. Well I guess if they agreed it wasn't my fault, then everyone would be happy. (**she draws the stick-men again but this time everyone is smiling**). This would be fine as well (**she puts the $ up**).

**Penny**: (**she steps back and looks at the board**). Now for the fourth one. I'm happy. (**Draws her stick-man smiling**). Bernie? Guess she might take some flack either way. (**draws unhappy stick-man**). Leonard? Not sure what he'll think about me acting again. (**draws stick-man with line for mouth**) But hay, if I make lots of money then surely that will make him happy. And the big bad wolves are never seen again. **She draws other stick-man lying on their backs**. **She adds lots of $$$ **

**Penny**: Now what's likely to happen. Number 1. I apologise, the jerks accept it, no-one gets sued, I get moved to another patch and everything goes back to normal again. Fat chance. I know what will happen. They'll let me grovel and I'll still get fired. **She draws the stick-man with long hair kneeling in front of three new stick-man **

**Penny**: And the second one. Well, I'll have to get another job. (**she thinks for a minute and then writes "Cheesecake Factory" on the board with a ? after it**) And we know how much I will enjoy that (**she draws her stick-man with a big frown**)

**Penny**: And the third. (**she stares at the board again**) Well I know how likely that is (**she draws a pig with wings on the board**)

**Penny:** Ok, so what about the fourth box? I may not have got the part but at least the audition went better than most. Maybe something will come up (**she thinks for a second) **Dreaming again (**she draws another flying pig). **No! Stop being negative. Dad always says "no hope unless you give it a go. Keep Dreaming"**. (she writes this on the board next to the flying pig. **

**She steps back from the board when** **a text comes into her phone. She reads it**).

**Penny**: My God; they liked me; a second audition. Today. Maybe it isn't so crazy after all (**She rubs out part of the words she has been writing in the fourth quadrant and writes** ("L. Think I know what I need to do. Don't call; you'll find out soon Love you forever P")

**Interval**

**Scene 7 **

**Penny arrives at the same location that the first audition is held. Lucy, the Production Assistant, is there as well as the four actors The Casting Director, Craig, is there plus two new people. In addition, there is a cameraman and a sound man plus a couple of support crew.**

**Lucy**: Hi Penny. Good of you to come along again at such short notice. Come and meet our Producer/Director Conrad Koenigsberger and the Script Writer for the show Johnson Stewart.

**Lucy takes Penny over to the two men concerned. They seem to be arguing about something with Craig.**

**Lucy**: Guys. This is Penny the third of the three shortlisted by Craig. Penny this is Conrad **(Penny shakes his hand)** and Johnson **(Penny shakes his hand)**

**Conrad**: Hello Penny. Good to meet you. Now as everything was done in a rush, we know precious little about you. Craig knows your agent well and trusts her judgement, but can you give us a brief overview of who you are and some of the work you've done?

**Penny**: Well, I'm from Nebraska originally. My work has been mostly in theatre and some more avant-garde/comic horror film work. My theatre work includes some impro work. (**her fingers behind her back are crossed again)**

**Johnson**: Yes, Craig said you're impro yesterday was very good—that explains it.

**Conrad**: Would we have seen any of the films?

**Penny**: Not unless you were drunk! (**They laugh**)

**Craig**: We are not bothered you are not that experienced. We are keen for this part to be realistic and getting a well-known actress to pretend that no-one knows her is always a challenge for the viewer to believe. We still want you to do impro today, Penny, but this time the boys are going to come up with the ideas and we want to see how you react with them. This show is all about the chemistry between the actors.

**Penny**: That's OK. I'll give it my best. (**Lucy takes Penny over to actors**)

**Lucy**: Bill, Simon, Dave, Randeep. You remember Penny from yesterday?

**Simon**: But of course. How could I not remember her? (**he takes Penny's hand and kisses it**) Encore Enchante, Mademoiselle.

**Penny**: (**Penny pulls her hand away)** Whatever Hans

**Simon**: I keep telling you it's Werner!

**Bill**: Good to see you made the short-list. Competition ain't brilliant so you've got a shot! (**He smiles at Penny**)

**Penny**: Thanks Bill. What have you got planned for today's entertainment?

**Dave**: We decided to play on the conflict between Kaley and Stephen. Bill will come up with something you've done wrong and punish you for it and then you retaliate and he retaliates to that and so on. Randeep and I will try and calm things down.

**Penny**: Ok, that sounds fun. (**Turns to Bill**). Hay, why don't you hate anyone using your milk. I don't realise and borrow some and then you notice 'cause you're so anal you notice the level has dropped and that starts the argument off. Let's use that as the first issue and then we go on from that.

**Bill**: Well, we're meant to be leading this impro session but that sounds better than what we had thought up as a way in. We'll start from that. (**He turns to the others**) OK guys let's get this going.

**Craig, Conrad, Johnson and Lucy sit down on chairs behind the camera. ****The Cameraman singles to Bill that he is ready. **

**The improvisation starts. Simon, Randeep and Dave are sitting on the couch pretending they are playing a team Xbox game. ****Bill is by the fridge**

**Bill/Stephen**:** (Opens the fridge) **Hang on a minute! Who's been at my milk? It's at least 3 cm below the level it was last night

**Randeep/Chandra**: Well it couldn't have been me. Milk is from the holy cow and I would not touch it.

**Simon/Werner**: And I'm on a yellow card already-one more penalty from you and I will be banned from the flat for 3 days

**Dave/Richard**: Well I've not touched your milk since the famous flat shut down of 2016. **(At this point, Penny improvises opening a door to come into the flat).**

**Penny/Kaley**: Hi guys. Can anyone help me download a film I've found on-line? It's password protected but I'm sure one of you is clever enough to get around that.

**Bill/Stephen**: Ah Kaley. My suspicions are aroused. Anyone who feels comfortable stealing the intellectual property of a film company would have no qualms about stealing my milk. Kaley: j'accuse!

**Penny/Kaley**: What is he going on about? Oh, your milk? Yes, I did borrow some this morning. I had run out and needed some for breakfast. You don't mind, do you?

**Dave/Richard**: Oh don't say that….

**Bill/Stephen**: Firstly, your use of the word "borrow" is fascinating. Do you intend to return the milk that you used? No. So borrow is not what you did. Secondly, do I mind? Did Rosalind Franklin mind when Watson and Crick got the Nobel Prize for Medicine and she didn't? Did Lise Meitner mind when Otto Hahn won the Nobel Prize for Physics and she didn't? I think you'll find the answer is Yes.

**Randeep/Chandra**: Do you think this is going to turn into a full-blown argument? If it is, I'll put the game on hold.

**Penny/Kaley**: Well it's only milk.

**Bill/Stephen**: Only? Only? Well why don't you help yourself to some of my haemoglobin as it's "only blood"; or my synapses as their "only nerve endings". Young lady you've stepped out of line.

**Penny/Kaley**: Is he for real?

**Dave/Richard**: Well he was tested and it came back positive but we're not sure for what. Rumour has it that it was life, Jim, but not as we know it

**Randeep/Chandra**: That is exceedingly amusing Richard

**Bill/Stephen**: Kaley—you are now forthwith banned from our wifi, our food and our charming company for three days

**Penny/Kaley**: How can you make that sort of decision without consulting the others?

**Dave/Richard**: It's in the Apartment Friendship agreement; section 4, para 2 line 3. Basically, he has more control of this place than Kim Jung Un does North Korea-but not so good a haircut.

**Penny/Kaley**: Why do you let him?

**Dave/Richard**: Well things run on time here; always plenty of hotwater and we never get bothered with Jehovah Witnesses since the time he invited them in and spent an hour lecturing them on the fallacy of their ideas.

**Penny/Kaley**: Well you may yield to him, but I won't.

**Simon/Werner**: Just do your time for the crime; he always forgives you if you really mean it.

**Penny/Kaley**: Not this Nebraska girl. She who laughs last…

**Scene 8 **

**Leonard arrives back at the apartment. He looks happy**

**Leonard**: Penny! Penny! (he walks through to the bedroom then returns to the main room). Hmm that's odd. Wonder where she is? **He sees the white board**. Oh; doing a problem-solving matrix review. That's cool. (**He starts to review each segment)**

**Leonard**: "Apologise". Wonder who the stick men are meant to be? Oh, hang on the short one must be Bernie and I'm the one with the glasses. That must make the one with long hair Penny. That looks terrible. **He then sees the second picture of Penny stick-man kneeling in front of the three other stick-men. **What is she doing there?

**Leonard:** (**He looks at the second box**) "Tell them where to stick it" She's happy but no-one else is. At least she knows how important the money is. Cheesecake Factory? Is that why she went there yesterday.

**Leonard:** (**He looks at the third box**)"Not her fault" Of course it's not, silly girl. Doesn't mean she can't say sorry. A flying pig-guess she's right on that one.

**Leonard looks at the fourth box. Part of it has been crossed out. **

**Leonard**: "Give Up" "No Hope", "Think I know what I need to do. Don't call; you'll find out soon. Love you forever"….oh my god. What is she going to do?

**(He leaves the apartment and runs across the hall into Sheldon's apartment. Sheldon who is working on his whiteboard)**

**Sheldon**: Leonard. You know it is bad manners not to knock! Go outside again and do it properly.

**Leonard**: But this is serious.

**Sheldon**: Bad manners are serious too. Now do it properly.

**Leonard goes out again, knocks on the door and comes in.**

**Sheldon**: Now that didn't hurt did it. By the look of abject fear on your face, I suspect another of those house spiders has made its way into your bathroom and you're looking for your old house mate to dispatch it?

**Leonard**: No, No: this is something much more serious.

**Sheldon**: A spider and a mouse. My, I am sure that this is result of the more lackadaisical and less thorough cleaning regimes now in place since I moved out. There were no mice on my watch.

**Leonard**: It's nothing to do with rodents or arachnids. I am worried that Penny is going to do something serious.

**Sheldon**: Well that would be a first I'd admit for her to do anything remotely serious but I'm not sure it is cause for concern

**Leonard**: I mean crazy, stupid, serious.

**Sheldon**: Now that I can believe but I still don't know what the problem is?

**Leonard**: Come over and see this and tell me what you make of it? (**they both go across the hall to Leonard's apartment) **Read that (**he points to the white board)**

**Sheldon**: A two by two matrix combined with a soft-systems review. I take my hat off to you Leonard. Since you've married that girl, she really has come on a pace. I reckon she will be graduating high school any day soon.

**Leonard**: Look at what she has written!

**Sheldon** (**he reviews the details on the white board**) Well I understand your concerns. Those stick-men are meant to represent you, Bernadette and Penny but your hair is much shorter than that and, if the heights are to scale and you are right, that would make Bernadette 2 feet 3 inches in real life. I mean she is small but not that small. However, if she is drawn to scale that would make you 9 feet 3 inches which we know is incorrect.

**Leonard**: Tell me what you think she means by it

**Sheldon**: Keep calm. You wanted my views and I was giving them. So, let me try and get my gigantic intellect inside that tiny brain of Penny's and see what she was thinking. (**He looks quizzical**). Ok, I think I've got it. The first box is obvious. She succumbs to what you and Bernadette want her to do. The end result is that she keeps her job and her money but in order to do this she has to kneel down in front of these three stick men, who I assume are the Medics she assaulted. Not sure why she's kneeling? You might have to help me out here.

**Leonard**: Let's keep that thought on hold for the time being

**Sheldon**: The second and third boxes are easier to decipher. The second says that she doesn't do what you two want her to do. Everyone's unhappy except Penny but she ends up back at the Cheesecake Factory which makes her broke and, therefore, unhappy. The third one says that everyone agrees with her which, as she points out, is as likely as a flying pig.

**He focuses on the fourth box.**

**Sheldon**: This one is more difficult because she has erased much of it. "Give Up" does she mean work-in which case your plan for breeding might fit in well. Of course, it might mean something else. "Give up Alcohol"; "give up Chocolate" "give up living" anything really. These three stick-men lying on their backs. Maybe they are dead as well?

**Leonard**: Give up living? You can't mean that?

**Sheldon: **I am merely the interpreter of these hieroglyphics, Leonard, not the writer of them. That would be like blaming Howard Carter for the Curse of the Pharaohs just because he found Tutankhamen's tomb. How upset was Penny this morning when she left?

**Leonard**: She seemed fine.

**Sheldon**: And who was she seeing after she left here?

**Leonard**: She was seeing Bernie at the office.

**Sheldon**: Ahh. So she leaves here feeling fine then sees Bernadette and then she comes here and writes "Give up" and "No hope". Definitely think you can cross off anything to do with Chocolate and Alcohol. "Giving up living" would certainly explain the stick man with a wing, although she's not religious so why she would be thinking of the afterlife I'm not sure?

**Leonard**: Stop it Sheldon, you're making it worse.

**Sheldon**: All I'm saying is that is the most logical analysis. Following a meeting with Bernadette, Penny feels that to make everyone happy she either has got to kneel in front of the stick-men/Medics or kill them and then end it all. No brainer. How can it hurt to do a bit of kneeling?

**Leonard**: Stop talking about the kneeling can't you! I need to talk with Bernie. Can you give Amy a call just in case Penny has talked with her?

**Sheldon**: I'll go and call her. (**Sheldon leaves the flat)**

**Scene 9**

**Back in the audition. Penny is looking out of the window**

**Penny/Kaley**: They're my clothes on the telegraph wire! Who did that? Stephen you're toast. You get those down now.

**Bill/Stephen**: This is what happens to puny mortals when they anger Klun the Invincible, Warrior Chief of the Klingons

**Penny/Kaley**: Well Klun; you're about to find out how a Nebraskan girl can lasso and tie a bull then turn him into a steer in less than a minute

**Simon/Werner**: Why does that sound both terrifying and sexy at the same time? **Dave**/**Richard moves to the window to placate Kaley**

**Dave/Richard**: Calm it down please (**he motions to Kaley and speaks to her behind his hand**) Kaley. The only person that Stephen is scared of is his mother. Call her and say what he did to you. She will sort him out. **He hands her a piece of paper**

**Penny/Kaley**: (**To herself**) Remarkable. And I thought Sheldon was unique. (**To Richard**) Thanks Richard. I won't forget this (**She mimes dialling a number on her phone**). "Mrs Hudson? This is Kaley a friend of Stephen's. Yes, I'm the one that is always borrowing things from him. No, I didn't know that about Richard but thanks for telling me. The reason for the call is an argument with Stephen that has gotten out of hand. Richard thinks you are the only one that can sort this. Ok I'll put him on" (**Kaley walks over to Stephen and hands him the phone**) It's your mother.

**Bill/Stephen**: Mother, what a surprise. No that's not true; she was annoying me. Yes, I know everyone annoys me but this was worse then normal. But I only put some of her clothes up a little telegraph pole. I am sure she could easily get them down. No that's not fair. I don't care if life's not fair for others. Well if you insist. (**he puts the phone down**). Kaley. I apologize for what I said and did.

**Penny/Kaley:** That's Ok sweetie. Just get the others to help you get my clothes down before the crows get them.

**Conrad gets up and nods to the Cameraman to stop recording. ****Johnson and Craig get up too.**

**Conrad**: Guys that was great. Thanks for that. You all go and grab a drink and a bite to eat and leave us to review the session. Penny-you go with them too. We'd like to chat to you before we finish.

**Scene 10 **

**Leonard, Bernie, Sheldon, Amy and Howard are in the apartment. They are reviewing the whiteboard.**

**Howard**: A rich picture combined with a matrix review. Well done Penny.

**Leonard**: Let's focus on what she means. Sheldon's had an attempt. What do you reckon she means?

**Sheldon**: I did more than an attempt. I transported myself deep inside Penny's brain and came back with a clear and detailed picture.

**Amy**: Well my analysis is similar to Sheldon's. Penny is faced with a series of difficult choices ranging from apologising for her actions-in a somewhat complicated manner that I can't quite figure out- to going back to her old mundane job at the CheeseCake Factory or hoping her work colleagues, in the shape of Bernie would forgive her. And if none of these work...

**Howard**: My analysis is pretty similar except I do know what the complicated apology might involve.

**Leonard**: What could have caused her to reach that decision?

**Sheldon**: I think that this was just after she had a meeting with Bernie.

**Amy:** I saw her afterwards and she was very down.

**Bernie**: What did I do? i just shouted a little at her and sent her home on no pay.

**Howard**: Did you flare your nostrils when you were talking to her?

**Bernie**: No! Well maybe a little. Who gets frightened of that?

**Howard**: Me, Raj, the Rest of the World.

**Leonard**: Look enough of this. I think we all agree that we have something to worry about. Let me try her again. (**He dials his phone**) Still no answer. So where do we start looking?

**Bernie**: Let's start with the Medics. I've got their addresses from the database. They will all be running clinics until 7.30

**Howard**: What are we going to say to them? Has a pretty blond offered to make your day for you? Do we open up and say that we are worried about her? Ideas guys.

**Amy**: I think we can be honest with them given our concerns

**Sheldon**: I know when I feel down, I want to go to the train station. Should we look there?

**Leonard**: Thanks but I don't think that is where she would go. Penny always reckons that buying shoes makes her happiest. Could she have gone there?

**Bernie**: Well I can't really go and see the Medics-it would look like an admission of guilt on the company's part. Why don't I head to her favourite shops starting with that shoe store that sells Jimmy Cho's.

**Leonard**: OK. Howard and I will go and see the guy she bruised. Amy and Sheldon can go and see the one that she battered, and Bernie goes shoe shopping. Keep me updated on how it all goes.

**Scene 11 **

**Howard and Leonard arrive at the Doctor's surgery. The same receptionists are working as when Penny was there.**

**Leonard**: Hi. I wonder if you can help me. We are looking for a friend of ours and I wonder if you've seen her?

**Receptionist 1**: Well we see quite a few people each day and around half of them are women. Can you be a bit more specific?

**Leonard**: Well she was in yesterday and she had a bit of an altercation with Dr Wolfsberg.

**Receptionist 2**: The Blond Bomber! Our hero!

**Howard**: Your hero. How come?

**Receptionist 1**: All the girls here have been dying to do what your friend did but can't afford to—we need the work. So, we think he got what he deserved. Why are you worried?

**Leonard**: She's in a bit of trouble at work and no-one's heard from her since this morning. She was quite down when last seen. We think she might have come to try and make up with your boss…

**Howard**: …or something similar…

**Leonard**: Thank you Howard. Has she been here?

**Receptionist 2**: No she hasn't, and we would definitely have remembered if she had. We had a collection for her from all the staff and raised $500.

**Howard**: $500. For bruising your boss's crown jewels? Is that the going rate?

**Receptionist 1**: If it had been after pay day, we would have doubled it.

**Leonard**: Could she have rung in and spoken to Dr Wolfsberg?

**The door to the consult room opens and a Dr Wolfsberg walks out. ****He is limping visibly, walking with his legs apart**.

**Receptionist 1**: Oh Doctor. These people are friends of the Rep that you saw yesterday. They wondered if you had seen or talked to her today?

**Dr Wolfsberg**: Talked to her? Seen her? I don't want her with a mile of this place. **(He turns around to make a point and in doing so pulls up in agony.)** Oh my God. The pain, the pain. **(he sits down in a chair and puts his head between his knees) **

**Howard**: You know what Leonard, I don't think she's here or likely to come here. (**They leave quickly**)

**Receptionist 2**: Hay! What about this? **(she waves the collection envelope, but Howard and Leonard have already left)**

**Scene 12 **

**Leonard and Howard are in Leonard's car. Howard is on the phone to Sheldon**

**Howard**: Ok Sheldon. No luck. They collected $350? It was the same situation as with our guy, only they collected more. Guess the knee is mightier than the hand. (**he puts the phone down**). I'll ring Bernie and see if she got anywhere? (**He calls Bernadette**.) Hi Bernie. Any luck?

**Bernie**: I visited her four favourite shops and no dice. Mind you asking them if they had seen an attractive blond drooling over their merchandise but not buying anything didn't help. Apparently, that constitutes 90% of the people who come in their shops. I showed a photo and no-one recognised her.

**Howard**: Ok. You better go back and relieve Raj.

**Leonard**: I'll drop you home, Howard. No point you hanging around the flat. I'll call you when I know anything.

**Scene 13 **

**Back to Leonard and Penny's apartment. Penny walks in. There is no-one there.**

Penny: No Leonard-that's odd. Maybe he's with Amy and Sheldon. What I need now is a drink! **(She wonders to the kitchen and pulls out a Vodka bottle and a glass. She pours herself a drink, looks at the glass and adds some more. She gets a block of ice out of the freezer section and then a large knife from the drawer to break a chunk off)**

**Leonard walks in at this point and sees Penny with the large knife in hand**

**Leonard**: (**He screams**) Penny! No. Don't do it. Please.

**Penny**: (**she drops the knife in shock**) Leonard—what on earth. You frightened the life out of me.

**Leonard**: It's OK Penny. It's going to be alright. Just leave the knife there.

**Penny**: I just wanted some ice for my Vodka shot.

**Leonard**: Is drinking the best option for you in your state?

**Penny**: I think it's the only option after the day that I've had.

**Amy and Sheldon come running in **

**Amy**: We heard Leonard's scream and thought something terrible had happened. Well Sheldon thought you'd seen another spider, Leonard, but I didn't. Penny! You're back. Are you OK?

**Leonard**: She had a knife in her hand. I thought she was going to do something stupid

**Penny**: Breaking ice off with a knife is stupid?

**Sheldon**: I read that using a knife to break ice it is one of the most common forms of accidental self-harm. Although in your case it would not have been accidental.

**Penny**: Hay! Hold on here. What are you guys talking about. All I was doing was fixing myself a drink, the next thing I know I'm starring in "You're the Worst."

**Amy**: We were worried about you.

**Leonard**: Bernie told us how upset you were when you left her this morning.

**Amy**: And I saw how down in the dumps you were when I saw you after that

**Leonard**: And then I came back and saw your analysis

**Sheldon**: Then he called me over to review your work and I was really shocked.

**Penny**: Really?

**Sheldon**: The scales for the stick-men were way out. If Bernadette was correct, Leonard would have to be 9 feet 3 inches and if Leonard was to scale, Bernadette would be 2 feet 6 inches

**Leonard**: That wasn't what shocked us. It was these messages. (**He points to the whiteboard)** "Give up" "No hope" and the stick-man with wings plus the three ones lying on their back. And the "Don't try and call me" message.

**Amy**: Howard was more interested in the picture in box one. Why were you kneeling in front of the other stick-men?

**Penny**: I was groveling an apology. (**Penny looks at the board**) I see what you mean. "Give up" has "being a Sales Rep" after it. "No hope" was part of "No Hope Without Trying" and the stick-man with wings was another flying pig. The rest said "Keep dreaming"

**Sheldon**: What, dreaming about going back to the Cheesecake Factory? It would be great if you did. None of the new staff are any good with my order.

**Leonard**: I don't want you to be unhappy. I'd rather you had your dreams even if they never come true. I'd rather you were at home than doing a job you hated. We can cope. It will be hard, if you don't work, but we'll manage. I just want you to be happy.

**Penny**: Well that's what I want too. Anyway, I don't want to sit at home all day. I want to try for my dream. All sorted now because I've been offered a job

**Sheldon**: As a waitress?

**Penny**: No. As an actress.

**Credits **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Scene 1**

**Penny and Leonard are in bed. It is after the excitement of the evening. **

**Penny**: So; aren't you going to ask me about the part I've been offered?

**Leonard**: OK. How hairy do you get?

**Penny**: I don't. This doesn't involve me eating bananas with my feet nor do I have to roar like King Kong!

**Leonard**: **(looks worried)** What do you have to do?

**Penny**: Play me, as far as I can see.

**Leonard**: What sort of "me" are you playing?

**Penny**: The me that shares her life with some weird and wacky people

**Leonard**: What sort of wacky are we talking about here?

**Penny:** Howard wacky; Raj wacky; Cute but still wacky Leonard and, as God is my witness, even an attempt at Sheldon wacky.

**Leonard**: Seriously?

**Penny**: I guess that if you want to reflect Wackeydom in all its form then you four cover all the bases.

**Leonard**: So, there is an actor who's trying to play me? What's he like?

**Penny**: Tall, Dark and Handsome. Real heartthrob.

**Leonard**: How tall?

**Penny**: 5 ft 11 to 6 feet.

**Leonard**: Playing me?

**Penny**: Dave's not playing you, he's playing Richard.

**Leonard**: Richard?

**Penny**: After Feynman. All the parts have the first names of famous Physicists. Bill is Stephen; Randeep is Chandra and Simon is Werner.

**Leonard**: Fancy me being Richard Feynman!

**Penny**: It's not you, Leonard, it's just the part who is closest to you in character.

**Leonard**: And there is one like Sheldon. How do you prepare for that part?

**Penny**: Bill told me he is a method actor. He likes to immerse himself in the part. So, he talked to several Physicists at Berkeley and, based on what they told him, he spent a week at a special school dealing with 9-11 year-old boys with Autism and ADHD who have been excluded from main schools. He is basically trying to copy them.

**Credits**

**Scene 2**

**Raj, Howard, Sheldon and Leonard having a coffee at the University.**

**Howard**: You got home to find Penny with a bottle of Vodka and a Carving Knife in hand? And you screamed? Sounds like an everyday event in the Rostenkowski-Wolowitz house-hold

**Raj**: Don't be cruel Howard. I think Leonard was right to be so worried and showed he cared so much. What if she had decided to end it all?

**Leonard**: Well she hadn't, and she didn't, and all is fine so let's not dwell on it.

**Howard**: All my mother had to do was hear that there had been a car smash somewhere in California and she'd ring me to check I was OK. One time I was in my room and she still called me. Thought I might have climbed out of the window and driven off into the night like a bat out of hell-on my Vespa.

**Raj**: So, tell us about this role she's got. Is it "Serial Apist 7! "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Jungle"….

**Leonard**: No, it is not a sequel, prequel or any other "quel" of that well-known comic horror film that Penny stared in many moons ago.

**Sheldon**: So, what is it? She must have told you something about it? Is it something I would like or is it not very good?

**Leonard**: It's a comedy prog for TV. She plays an aspiring actress who lives next door to a bunch of geeks who she becomes friends with.

**Sheldon**: Well that sounds completely far-fetched. Who's going to believe that?

**Howard**: Sheldon. How can you say that when you consider Penny and you guys.

**Sheldon**: That's completely different. Penny's not an aspiring actress-she is one now. And Leonard and I are not geeks; he is an aspiring Physicist and I am one already.

**Leonard**: What's with the "aspiring" Physicist?

**Sheldon**: Ok "Semi" Physicist.

**Howard**: So, is there anyone famous in it?

**Leonard**: She mentioned a few names, but I didn't recognise anyone. She is so excited about it. Apparently, the actress who was meant to play the part is now in rehab and they were due to start shooting the pilot episode in the next two weeks, hence the urgency and why she was called up out of the blue for the audition. How about it? I'm going to be married to a film star!

**Howard**: Are you not worried about her mixing with all these actors? I know they're not all six feet two but if they are small, they tend to look like Tom Cruise and have perfect vision.

**Leonard**: We're not talking Hollywood A listers here. They don't want well-known actors as they worry that people will just see them in the parts that they know them from and not see them as the parts in this show. They're just a nice bunch of guys whom I'm sure she will get along with just fine. There is even an Asian one.

**Raj**: Really? Who is he? I might have seen him in a Bollywood Block Buster?

**Leonard**: I doubt it somehow. Apparently, he's from Texas and doesn't have a dog.

**Howard**: Well, I just think that you want to be a little cautious. Little old Leonard might look a tad conventional when compared with the glamour and glitz of the greasepaint and celluloid.

**Leonard**: She did say her love interest is taller than me.

**Sheldon**: Everyone is taller than you, Leonard. Even Mickey Mouse.

**Raj**: So, Penny has a love interest with some tall, hulk of an actor and you're not worried?

**Leonard**: I wasn't but I am now.

**Scene 3**

**Penny arrives at the rehearsal studio. The team from her audition are there with exception of Craig the Casting Director. **

**Penny**: (**to herself**) What have I got to lose? Just keep imagine that it is Leonard, Raj, Howard and Sheldon that I'm talking to. (**then to the rest of the Actors**) Hi guys, good to see you all. Sorry if I'm late. Guess I'll come a bit earlier tomorrow.

**Conrad**: That's alright Penny. Welcome to the team and good to have you on-board. As you know, we are working to a tight schedule here. Everyone says "It's only a pilot" and "You'll be forgiven for the odd error" but I don't buy all that crap. If we are going to get the go ahead for a full first series, then we need the Pilot to get good reviews.

**Johnson**: (**Turning to Penny**) The challenge for you, Penny, is to get up to speed with the rest of the guys. They have been working on this for three months now, on and off, so know who their character is and how they interact with each other. Your predecessor had her character mapped as well, until she lost the plot as it were and left this particular planet.

**Penny**: I know what you're saying. I will do my best not to let you down. I am building a picture in my mind of each of the characters and how Kaley might interact with them. How much of each scene is going to be script and how much do you want to improvise? Will the improvising stop when we are shooting, or do you still want it to carry on?

**Johnson**: We want the show to look as natural as possible with the five of you interacting as if you were friends. We will create the scenario for you to work around and then add to this as we progress. For the Pilot, we have most of these ideas worked out so this will be more directive than future shows.

**Penny**: OK. Sounds exciting-and a bit frightening- at the same time. Will you shoot in front of a live audience?

**Conrad**: Absolutely. You'll all be expected to bring along friends to ensure that we don't have to use the canned laughter!

**Bill**: Don't worry about that. There are plenty of people in the industry who just love a Pilot show just for the bloopers that happen.

**Penny**: (**to herself again**) And I can think of a few Physicists who would say the same.

**Johnson**: OK. We'd like to start with the first group scene. Penny; you've just moved into the apartment next door to Bill and Dave and that's where we'll start. Today is about trying to get a flow of the dialogue so don't worry about props.

**Penny**: So, I've yet to meet the guys and so this is Kaley, Stephen and Richard's "meet cute"?

**Dave**: That's right. Richard is timid around women and is bossed around by Stephen. Someone like Kaley is way out of his league. So, he is going to be somewhat gauche around her.

**Bill**: And my character has no understanding or interest in women, unless they are Post-Doctoral with the brain the size of a planet. Aspiring actresses such as Kaley are beyond his comprehension.

**Penny**: (**to herself**) Why is Stephen so frighteningly familiar? (**To Conrad**) So, do you have any ideas for the "meet cute"?

**Johnson**: Well we had played with the idea of Kaley coming over to ask the boys to help set up her wifi as the first introduction.

**Penny**: Sounds good. Just a thought, but if I have been lifting boxes around all day, I would be hot and sweaty. Let's say the water in the flat wasn't working and I came over to see if the boys could help. Richard can then offer to let me use their shower instead. That way there is a naked actress in their flat and neither knows how on earth to react.

**Bill**: See where you are coming from. We could have lots of geeky shower gel and soap in there that would be embarrassing to Richard. Stephen could start getting all OCD about not using his flannel and keeping the lid down on the toilet….

**Dave**: …which would get Richard super embarrassed and nervous, especially if Kaley needs help with the hot and cold balance and he has to go in to help her whilst she's wearing nothing but a smile.

**Bill**: And at that point Chandra and Werner come over to play some xBox….

**Penny**: A towel; nothing but a towel!

**Johnson**: Brilliant idea Penny. It makes such a difference to have someone who knows their way around this style of acting and can think on her feet. I think this is going to go really well.

**Scene 4**

**Amy and Sheldon are in their apartment with Leonard. Amy has cooked a meal and they are all sitting around the table.**

**Amy**: It's nice to be able to entertain, even if it's only you Leonard.

**Leonard**: It's kind of you to ask me over. Penny has been working so late this week that it gets a bit boring eating by myself.

**Sheldon**: Don't worry Leonard. Your old friends will be with you even when Penny is a star and leaves you for someone more interesting.

**Leonard**: That's not fair. Penny loves me for who I am and, even if this show is a success, it won't make a difference to us.

**Amy**: That's right Sheldon. If my work on Dementia gets me a Nobel prize, it wouldn't make a difference to us. You would still be my little Shelly.

**Sheldon**: That's right. I would be just dandy about it (**he coughs Bazinga**)

**Leonard**: Well I'm just happy that she has finally got her break.

**Sheldon**: I guess that this means the "fast breeder" programme will have to be put on hold for the time being?

**Amy**: What "Fast Breeder" programme?

**Sheldon**: Leonard was hoping to persuade Penny to follow Bernadette and Howard's lead and start breeding.

**Amy**: What did she say?

**Leonard**: I've not had a chance to discuss it yet. It's been hard to find the right moment to raise it. Feel she's got enough on her plate at present.

**Amy**: What if the show flops?

**Leonard**: Well, it's only a Pilot she's doing. There is no guarantee it will take off. Maybe she might be more receptive if it fails. She won't want to go back to her old job even if they would have her.

**Sheldon**: So, what you are saying, Leonard, is that you hope it fails so that she then becomes desperate enough to have your progeny.

**Leonard**: That's not what I'm saying at all. I would love it if she became a star!

**Sheldon**: How about this for an alternative. If the programme does well but you still want children, you could give up trying to be a Physicist and be a house husband instead.

**Leonard**: What do you mean, "trying to be a Physicist"…

**Amy**: That's right. You could stay at home all day cleaning and changing diapers and Penny can be a film star all day. That makes perfect sense!

**Leonard**: I mean of course I would help around the house and take them to Museums and things….

**Amy**: Museums? Do you think your two-month old child will be assessing the merits of Cubism or reviewing the history of Science? First five years are pretty boring and smelly.

**Leonard**: I'm sure we can think of some solution that doesn't mean I have to give up my work.

**Amy**: Start thinking!

**Scene 5**

**Howard and Bernadette's are at home. Raj is there as well.**

**Bernie**: (**shouting**) So how long have you both known what she was up to?

**Howard**: (**trying to calm her down**) Leonard told us yesterday and we were looking at ways of breaking it to you gently.

**Raj**: We thought it would be better if I was here as well.

**Howard**: That way you wouldn't take it out on me.

**Bernie**: (**getting even crosser**) So what makes you think I would be upset about this?

**Howard: **I don't know; maybe Penny's no longer all despondent and upset and desperate to do anything to get her job back. And that means that the Sales guys will shout at you. And that means you'll shout at me.

**Bernie**: (**ready to explode**) Too right I'll shout at you. How are we going to persuade the Medics not to kick us out of their practice if Penny doesn't go grovelling in there?

**Raj**: What about Penny? This could be her big break. And you sent her home with no pay-what else was she expected to do? She's your friend. Can't you be pleased for her?

**Bernie**: (**calming down**) I know. I am pleased for her-I am just not showing it very well. It's just that I hate people shouting at me when I haven't done anything and blaming me just because I'm there.

**Howard: **Join the club.

**Bernie**: Still think you should have told you as soon as you knew. So how am I going to handle this at work? They think Penny is sweating at home on no pay ready to do anything to avoid being sacked. In reality, she's playing at being Cameron Diaz.

**Howard: **Do what I always do at a time like this. Bury my head in the sand and hope something happens that resolves it all.

**Scene 6**

**Penny and Leonard are in the apartment. They are on the sofa, Penny is lying flat out with her head on his lap.**

**Penny**: Thanks for getting me something to eat. I am absolutely shattered.

**Leonard**: **(Stroking her head)** That's OK. Anything to help my star.

**Penny**: Long way to go before that happens. But I do know these last two days have been fantastic. What is amazing is that I've stopped feeling like an imposter. Yesterday, I was waiting for someone to come in where we were rehearsing, look at me and say "Hoi: Hofsteder. What do you think you're doing here? Shut the door on your way out!". But the more I'm there, the more relaxed I am. Conrad and Johnson just keep telling me how good I am, how much better than the actress who's in rehab and it just keeps making me feel like I belong.

**Leonard**: (**Looking somewhat stunned)**. Wow. That's amazing! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really excited for you. I've never heard you talk like this about acting. I knew you wanted to be an actress; I just never thought you ever had it in you to be one.

**Penny**: **(looks cross).** What do you mean? Never had it in me!

**Leonard**: (**worried**) No I didn't mean that I didn't think you could do it. I just didn't think you thought you could. That doing the occasional haemorrhoid advert and comic horror film was all you thought you could do. Hearing you talk, well, like a proper actress-least what I think a proper actress talks like-is kind of nice and weird and a bit scary.

**Penny**: Scary?

**Leonard**: (**strokes her head again**). Well, Hollywood is full of hunky actors that are taller than me, better looking than me, have better eyesight than me, can drink a glass of milk without poisoning their co-stars. Just worried you might find someone you like more than me.

**Penny**: Leonard, there is no-one I could find who is more like you than you and it's you I love. (**she kisses him**). And if it makes you feel better, my love interest in the show, Richard—the actor Dave—well let's just say he probably would fancy you more than me.

**Leonard**: (**looking relieved**) He's gay? Great! Oh, I mean wow, is that going to be difficult playing a love interest with someone who can't reciprocate?

**Penny**: It's acting Leonard. Half the leading men in Hollywood "bat for the opposition" as they say, and no-one ever notices. I guess he'll just imagine me with a five o'clock shadow if he ever gets to kiss me.

**Leonard:** Do you know if that happens?

**Penny**: No. The Director and Writer are trying to keep it live and not obvious. The Pilot show and the next two episodes are all they have sign off to shoot and that's all that they have planned. Even then, they only have a basic outline. They want the actors to help flush out the story line.

**Leonard:** So, no script as such?

**Penny**: Not really, just a framework to work around. If it gets good ratings, then we will shoot a further five to complete the first series. Then the suits crunch the numbers, take on board feedback from sponsors and give the next series a thumbs up or down.

**Leonard:** (**looking worried**) So they string you along for quite a while and still could drop the show.

**Penny**: They could but what Dave and Bill tell me is that the Pilot and the next two shows are key. If the response is good, then the next five and the second series are almost guaranteed. So, I guess the end of next week when we shoot the first show is critical.

**Leonard:** Next week! So soon. I don't want to be negative, but what will you do if it doesn't work out?

**Penny**: Not being negative! I don't know. I guess Bernie won't want to talk to me now so going back to selling isn't an option. I get paid reasonably well for these three shows. Maybe I'll just be a housewife for a while, if you think we can afford it, and see if this work can get me other acting work.

**Leonard:** (**stroking her head again**) Oh, I think we'll manage.

**Interval**

**Scene 7**

**Penny and the team are back in rehearsals. This is the shower scene they discussed previously. The apartment is now fully kitted out with a front door, kitchen and furniture.**

**Penny/Kaley**: Thanks for letting me use your shower guys. I won't be long.

**Dave/Richard**: That's OK. There is some shower gel there but make sure you use the Captain America one. They were Christmas presents from my old Aunt who still thinks I'm 14.

**Bill/Stephen**: Richard, that is not true. You bought that shower gel yourself last week because you said the Incredible Hulk one got in your eyes and made you cry.

**Dave/Richard**: Don't mind Stephen, Penny. He does say the strangest things.

**Penny goes into the Bathroom. At this point Simon and Randeep arrive.**

**Simon/Werner: **Well, are you ready for your weekly humiliation at Mario X-box racer? Or do we prefer the more intellectual challenge of Game of Thrones, 360; as long as I can be Sansa Stark?

**Randeep/Chandra**: Why would you want to play a girl?

**Simon/Werner**: I reckon it will be the closest I'll ever get to her. Who knows I might be able to brainwash her to feel hot for small Jewish Physicists so if she ever did meet me in real life it would love at first sight.

**Randeep/Chandra**: I can guarantee that even if you learnt all the spells from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Sansa Stark would still rather run you through with her sword than allow you to do the same to her!

**Dave/Richard**: Actually, guys, there's been a change of plan. We have someone around at present, so we are going to start later.

**Simon/Werner:** Someone visiting who isn't us? Is your mother in town?

**Bill/Stephen**: What Richard means is that there is an aspiring actress stark naked in our Shower and Richard has this ridiculous notion that this might present him with the chance of coitus.

**Dave/Richard**: No, I do not. I just think she might be put off if she comes out and finds you all here.

**Simon/Werner**: Not so fast, an aspiring actress. Does that mean desperate? Let the rabbit see all the dogs before she decides which one she is going to let get his paws on her.

**Penny comes out of the shower room with just a towel around her**

**Penny/Kaley**: Richard/Stephen. I'm having problems with the hot and cold flow. It's either boiling hot or freezing cold. Can you help me?

**Simon/Werner: **(**Moves towards Penny**) Hello young lady. This is your lucky day. Werner at your service, a man who can make you go hot and cold faster than that faucet can. (**He offers to shake hands with Kaley, who considers it then realises the towel might fall so moves away**)

**Penny/Kaley**: Thanks, but I'll trust my luck with Richard or Stephen. I think they might stay focused on the task in hand.

**Bill/Stephen: **I will sort it for you. I am not sure Richard will be able to keep a steady enough hand to find the prefect point between steam and ice.

**He leaves the room with Kaley**

**Simon/Werner**: Where did you find her and how did you persuade her to take off all her clothes? I will do your washing up for a month if you let me in on your secret.

**Randeep/Chandra**: Well it's not the itching powder down the blouse trick because Werner's tried that a number of times and it's never worked.

**Simon/Werner**: Neither does "I think I saw a spider climb up your trouser leg"

**Dave/Richard**: It was nothing like that. I was just being nice and helpful to our new neighbour from across the hall.

**Simon/Werner**: New neighbour. Oh wait 'till I get that new fibre optic web cam set up through her bathroom window. It will be movie night every night.

**Dave/Richard**: They'll be nothing like that. Can't we just be friendly with her. Who knows if she likes us, she may have friends she can introduce us to?

**Bill/Stephen comes out of the bathroom. **

**Bill/Stephen**: Two pieces of information. Firstly, she is using the correct shower gel and is not crying. Secondly, through the accidental alignment of your shaving mirror and my full-length grooming mirror, I can tell you that Kaley has the Chinese character for "strength" tattooed on her right buttock.

**Simon/Werner**: That's not fair; I offered to fix the shower first so I should have had first peek at her right buttock. Would have been just as happy with the left buttock if truth be known.

**Dave/Richard**: Guys please don't let on that Stephen has been spying on her in the shower.

**Conrad shouts "Cut" and steps forward with Johnson. Penny comes out of the Bathroom with her clothes back on **

**Conrad: **Guys that was great. We are really making progress. Bill: I loved that bit about the Chinese character on Kaley's buttock. Where did that come from?

**Penny**: Someone having a peek whilst my towel slipped! It was meant to say "courage", but I have it on good authority that it says "soup" instead!

**Johnson**: Brilliant. Let's include that instead.

**Conrad**: Ok Guys. Let's take a break for twenty minutes and then we'll move onto setting up Kaley's wifi and music system. There is some food for you all set up on a table outside.

**Conrad and Johnson leave. The rest walk over to the food table and help themselves. **

**Dave**:** (Picking at the food) **God, I hate the catering here. All processed food and no cashew nuts.

**Dave and Randeep put food on their plates and then walk over to a table. **

**Penny**: I don't care what it tastes like. Just need some food in me. I'm starving.

**Bill**: Sorry for the accidental peek. But it did add to the scene.

**Penny**: I didn't mind. I agree it was an amusing addition to the storyline. The one person who is gay gets to see Kaley's elegant rear whilst the three testosterone-filled hetros miss out.

**Bill**: Stephen might be gay…and it was a very pert bottom!

**Penny**: (**laughing**) Thank you for the compliment but it's a pert, married bottom so hands off.

**Bill**: Someone's very lucky. Is he an actor too?

**Penny**: No, he's not. He works in (**she pauses**) education.

**Bill**: Probably a wise move. Relationships in this industry tend to be a challenge. Mine don't seem to last longer than the film we are on.

**Penny**: That's a shame. Doesn't stop us being friends.

**Bill**: Friends it is.

**Scene 8**

**Leonard is eating with Sheldon and Amy again. It is the week of the first broadcast.**

**Leonard**: Thanks for cooking again, Amy. I hate being by myself in the flat.

**Amy**: That's OK Leonard. It's nice to have you here. Sheldon will only talk to me if the subject is "Dark Matter—Real or Imaginary", "Lack of Physical Exercise and prevention of Dementia", and "Leonard Nimoy: Human or Alien?"

**Sheldon:** That's not true! I provided you with a detailed overview of my latest ideas around n-dimensional universes last night in bed. I didn't hear you object.

**Amy:** That's because I had cotton wool buds in my ears and taken enough Melatonin to send Tigger to sleep.

**Leonard**: Well, I still appreciate it.

**Sheldon**: Well, how is Penny's show progressing? I'm still not sure what it's about.

**Leonard**: As I told you before, it's a comedy about an aspiring actress who moves next door to some scientists, and it plays on the comedy between people who are very smart and others who are different. A bit like Penny is with us.

**Sheldon**: It's nothing like us. I'm very smart and Amy is almost as smart as me but no-one else is.

**Leonard**: OK it's nothing like us and Penny. However, what I can say without fear of interrupting, is that Penny is really enjoying it. I have never seen her so happy—or so tired. There is another thing; the first show is being recorded on Friday and she wants us all to be in the audience.

**Sheldon**: Friday. What time is the broadcast on?

**Leonard**: It's from 6.00 to 8.30 pm.

**Sheldon**: But that is our take away Chinese food night. We can't eat at 5.00-that is afternoon tea time and if we wait until 9.00, then it will be a late Supper and I never have Chinese for my Supper.

**Leonard**: Look, this is very important for Penny. If it goes well, then she could become a bit of a star-it's TV not Film but she could still be a star. If it flops, well, at least she has had a go. So, this one Friday evening, we go to support her and if it means we have a later dinner or an early supper and have something different, I just think we should do it for her.

**Amy**: Hear, Hear, Leonard. Sheldon: You will just do what you're told.

**Sheldon**: Well, if I get indigestion, it will be Penny's fault and I, for one, shall tell her so.

**Amy**: Are we expected to do anything?

**Leonard**: The key thing is to laugh at the right places and clap at the various intervals. The last thing they will want is to play the canned laughter.

**Amy**: Why two and a half hours? Surely the show isn't on for that long?

**Leonard**: She was telling me that they will shoot it as almost live but reshoot certain scenes if they feel that they aren't quite right. We will get an introduction at the start and a review at the end when they will ask for our feedback.

**Sheldon**: Are we being paid for this?

**Leonard**: No, we're doing this for our love of Penny.

**Sheldon: **OK, that's fair enough. I will do my best and hope my stomach doesn't give up the ghost on the night.

**Amy**: I am sure it will be fine.

**Scene 9**

**Back in rehearsals. The scene involves the Guys talking Science to each other. Penny is doing some cooking.**

**Richard**: Well my theory is that if matter is just compressed energy, then dark matter must be compressed dark energy.

**Stephen**: But all you are doing is transferring an unknown called dark matter and turning into another unknown called dark energy.

**Werner**: In which case does this mean there is a "dark" velocity of light to balance out the equation.

**Richard**: Of course, you can see by this equation (**He starts to write in a note pad and the others look at what he's writing**)

**Penny**: Conrad/Johnson. Can I cut in here?

**Conrad**: OK cut the filming. What is it you want to say Penny?

**Penny:** Well, where is the white board? Where are the snakes?

**Johnson**: What do you mean by whiteboards and snakes?

**Penny:** I just think that if the guys were showing off to each other, they wouldn't be writing on a note pad and asking people to peer over their shoulder. They would be using a white board with an easel. That way they can stand up in front of it and show off more easily.

**Conrad**: I see where you are coming from. That makes sense. But what about these snakes? What do you mean by that?

**Penny:** I just remember seeing some scientists once and they had these letters and squiggles across the white board. Little numbers at the bottom and some at the top and these odd lines that looked like an odd sort of "S" on them. Lots of pluses and x's and slashes. When I looked at it, they reminded me of a snake!

**Johnson**: You mean equations with integral signs in them and ranges plus powers with multiples and dividers.

**Penny:** Of course, that's what I was saying.

**Johnson**: We'd have to get them right. I know some guys who are working at Caltech. They can right up some dark matter equations so that if we do tap into "Nerdom" they won't moan at us for not getting the science right. Again, Penny, it's a great idea. You guys will have to learn the theory parrot-fashion, but you should be able to do that.

**Penny**: Trust me, anyone can do it!

**Conrad**: OK, we'll add a whiteboard with some proper equations on it, and you guys can use this to write on to make your points. We'll get Johnson's friends to provide you with the snakes to write on the board!

**Scene 10**

**Rehearsals have finished and everyone is ready to go home. Penny is trying to call a cab. Bill is with her.**

**Penny**: I didn't want to take the car today as I don't trust myself driving late at night when I'm tired. I don't think Conrad would be too pleased if I totalled myself three days before the big day! Now I can't get a taxi for love nor money.

**Bill**: Don't worry. I will drop you off. I don't think it's too far out of my way and the last we need is you being picked up by homicidal Uber driver with a fetish for blond actresses with tattoos on their bottoms.

**Penny**: Well I hope that they didn't know about the tattoo, but news does travel fast in this town. That would be lovely if you could give me a lift.

**They walk over to where Bill's car is parked**. **It is a two-seater open top sports car. **

**Penny**: Well spot the single film star by his car!

**Bill**: Some turn to drugs; others booze; my vice is old-fashioned sports cars. Do you know that Steve McQueen used to drive a C-Type Jaguar that had a leather belt to hold the bonnet down when it went over 100 mph?

**Penny**: I didn't but I do now. How do I get in? Limbo?

**Bill**: Just imagine you are Lady Diana and there are 100 Paparazzi desperate to get a photo up your skirt. Legs together, sit down parallel to the open door, shift your bottom across, then swing your legs across, still tightly clamped together.

**Penny follows Bill's instructions and slips into the passenger seat.**

**Penny:** That wasn't difficult. If Prince Charles ever decides to leave Camilla and marry me instead, I shall know how to get into his car without embarrassing him.

**Bill**: If you decide to marry a 70 year-old instead of me, I shall never talk to you again!

**Penny**: Home, James, and don't spare the horse.

**They set off. Bill has put Penny's address into his Phone Sat Nav. It is giving directions in the background whilst they talk.**

**Penny**: You know I have never done a live TV broadcast before. I'm a little bit frightened if truth be told.

**Bill**: Yes, it can be nerve-wracking, but you'll be fine. If in doubt on the night, just work off me and you'll be fine. To be honest, if we are not a little bit scared, it won't be any good. Fear is a great motivator. Also, I never go to the toilet for a pee before a live show. I once read that Winston Churchill always did his key speeches with a full bladder as he reckoned it helped him concentrate.

**Penny**: Sounds like a good idea but if I wet myself in front of an audience of 250, I will just have to pretend that it's part of the plot. I am playing an aspiring actress with incontinence!

**Bill**: Everyone's favourite incontinent actress. I can see an Emmy in that.

**Penny**: I could get sponsored by Tena pads. My fortune will be guaranteed. You can come and visit me in my Beverley Hills mansion. Mind you, I'll set the dogs on you if you do.

**Bill**: If you did, with my dying breath I will tell the world about your Soup Tattoo. Then where will you be?

**Penny**: Getting sponsored by Heinz as well. I will be richer than Bill Gates!

**Bill**: And you wouldn't even put flowers on your old friend's grave.

**Penny**: No, but I would name my first son after him.

**Bill**: You don't have any kids do you?

**Penny**: No. Leonard would like kids, I think. When we got married, I said I didn't want any. Now I am not so sure. My Dad wants me to have kids. He thinks that a combination of my looks and Leonard's brains would make for cute kids. Me, I am not so sure.

**Bill**: You've still got plenty of time. And just think what they would do to that pert little rear!

**They arrive outside of the apartment block**.

**Penny**: Thanks for the lift and the chat. I will still be frightened on Friday but knowing that you'll be there will watching my back-well at least my lower back!

**Bill**: Night Penny. See you in the morning. (**He leans forward and kisses her on the cheek**)

**Penny**: Night, Friend!

**Scene 11**

**Back in the Apartment. Leonard is pretending to watch TV but, in reality is waiting up for Penny.**

**Penny**: Hi sweetie. Bit late for you to be up isn't it?

**Leonard**: I worry about you getting a taxi this late. Did it cost much?

**Penny**: Didn't get one in the end. Bill gave me a lift.

**Leonard**: Was his that little sports car I saw pull off? There was one of those birds Sheldon doesn't like on the window ledge. I was chasing it away and I accidentally saw the car.

**Penny**: Accidentally saw the car! Leonard Hofsteder you were watching out for me. Last time anyone did that it was Dad and I was 16.

**Leonard**: I wasn't really waiting up for you. I just have an overactive imagination, not helped by watching the local news channel. Do you know 15% of Uber drivers have used someone else's details to register?

**Penny**: Look Bill plays the Sheldon guy, Stephen. You can meet him after the show. I'm sure you guys will get on great. You have a lot in common.

**Leonard**: Hay. I could be an actor. Who'd have thought it?

**Penny**: You just keep being a smarty pants. (**She kisses him**). Listen, I'm up again at 7.00 so let's crash.

**Leonard**: Thought you'd never ask.

**Credits**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Scene 1**

**Penny and Leonard are having breakfast. Penny is in a rush. **

**Penny**: So, I won't be late tonight. Conrad has said that he wants us fresh for the big day tomorrow

**Leonard**: Are you driving?

**Penny**: I don't really want to. It's a pain at this time of day and all that happens is that I end up stressed when I arrive.

**Leonard**: **(looks thoughtful)** I could drive you, I guess.

**Penny**: It's a long way out of your way and I need to go soon. Why don't you pick me up instead? I can give you a bit of a tour of the set when you are there and let you meet any of the team still there.

**Leonard**: I'd love to. Will be fun to meet Dave, or me as I call him! And Bill.

**Penny**: Bill is picking his mother up from the airport. She's flying in from New York to see the show. Dave may be there but don't make out he's you! No-one knows that I'm married to a clever ol' Physicist so don't let on.

**Leonard**: Ok, but why?

**Penny:** Well everyone thinks I'm the clever one coming up with different ideas and I don't want them to know yet where I'm getting them from. Mind you if they meet you all tomorrow, they may figure it out. No point asking Sheldon to pretend to be normal!

**Leonard**: Despite his extensive vocabulary, I don't think it is a word Sheldon has ever really grasped.

**Penny**: I must go-I promised Amy I would pop in to see her briefly. I want to say "Thanks" for looking after you this week.

**Leonard**: They've not really been looking after me-just cooking and listening to me moaning about being all by myself.

**Penny**: Poor you. Mind you that's worth at least some form of apology. Got to go. The address is on the counter. I'll tell security to expect a mean and moody Leonard "007" Hofsteder around 5.30 and warn them not to anger you or you'll turn all green and "Hulky" on them! Love you (**they kiss**)

**Penny leaves and walks over to Sheldon and Amy's flat and knocks. Amy answers it.**

**Amy: **Hello stranger! How's my star? We're all dying to see you tomorrow.

**Penny**: Thanks. Look I'm in a rush. I just want to say "Thanks" for looking after Leonard so much this last ten days. The thought of him staring out the window, like my old Labrador used to do, waiting for me to come home would have been too much. Knowing you were giving him a bowl of meaty chunks and a tummy tickle meant a lot to me!

**Amy**: He was a mix of mopey and excited. He'll get used to it.

**Penny**: Is Sheldon around?

**Amy**: It's 7.34 so Sheldon is having his first bowel movement of the day. I daren't speak to him as it puts him off and then everyone suffers.

**Penny**: No don't do that. There is something. That headscarf you have with the red and blue pattern. Could I borrow it? There's a scene where I think it will look good if I'm wearing something on my head and the one Wardrobe is offering looks hideous.

**Amy**: Wow! An item of my clothing on TV! Bet none of the cool girls at school have ever had that. Course you can Bestie. Will it be mentioned in the credits? (**Amy goes into the bedroom to find the scarf)**

**Penny**: (**Sees Sheldon's Whiteboard**) He's been doodling again. Wonder if Johnson could use this? (s**he takes out her phone and takes several pictures of Sheldon's work**). Sheldon won't mind I'm sure.

**Amy comes back in with the scarf**

Amy. Here you go. Is there anything else you would like? I've got a couple of really neat sweaters?

**Penny**: No. This is fine. Wardrobe have got a particular look in mind and mostly it's fine. I must go; my Uber will be waiting. (**She leaves**)

**Amy**: Fancy having my clothes shown on television!

**Sheldon comes out of the bathroom**

**Sheldon**: Righteo, wife of mine. Your brilliant husband has completed his ablutions and is now ready to take his latest brilliant ideas (**he points to the board**) and blow the minds of the scientific community.

**Credits**

**Scene 2**

**Raj, Howard, Sheldon and Leonard having lunch at the University.**

**Howard**: So, you finally get to meet the rivals tonight?

**Leonard**: There not rivals, Howard. There just work colleagues. That's like Penny calling the female doctoral students her rivals because I work with them.

**Howard**: Yes, but there not be paid to make out with you, like one of Penny's work mates is.

**Leonard**: I'll let you in on a secret. The actor who plays her lover is Gay so I don't think he will be hitting on her.

**Howard**: Well what about the short and sexy Jewish guy? I bet he tries it on.

**Leonard**: Where do you get the sexy from? Penny told me he was just short

**Howard**: Harry Potter was my height and the girls loved him. What happens if he looks like Daniel Ratcliffe?

**Leonard**: I'm sure Penny would have mentioned it if Simon had been able to fly around the set on a broomstick.

**Raj**: Well, what about the Indian guy. If he's from Texas and made it through school without being lynched, so he must be athletic-well fast anyway.

**Leonard**: Penny said that Randeep and Simon have both been friendly and helpful but nothing more.

**Howard**: All I say is just look out for the signs. If Penny starts every sentence to you with "As Simon was saying…"

**Raj**: "Put your hands on your head" **(Sheldon and Raj do this**). Ha. Your out Howard and Leonard.

**Leonard**: Very funny.

**Sheldon**: What about the super brainy one? He sounds the catch of the lot. He may be a bit intimidating for Penny, mind. I'm looking forward to meeting him. A sort of Clash of the Titans.

**Leonard**: Guys, these are just actors. There not real scientists. They're just pretending.

**Raj**: Anyway, I can't imagine Penny going for someone who's like Sheldon.

**Sheldon**: That belief is reciprocated.

**Howard**: So, they'll just pretend to hit on Penny and she'll just pretend to respond. If Bernie ever catches me making out with someone, I must try that excuse. Somehow, I don't think she'll believe me.

**Leonard**: Look, Penny has enough on her plate at the moment not having me play the jealous husband with her. I get a chance to meet them tonight before the big day tomorrow and I don't want to do anything to cause any problems.

**Raj**: Did she say where we'll be sitting?

**Leonard**: She doesn't want us too close in case she sees us and it puts her off. She told me last night that it means a lot to her that we will all be there supporting her.

**Raj**: What happens if it's a turkey? What do we say then?

**Leonard**: Apparently, we are to say that she was brilliant and it was the rest of the crew that let her down.

**Sheldon**: You know I don't do lies. I shall just say "Penny, you tried your best. Now can I have the Burger without the pickle."

**Scene 3**

**Penny and Bill are in the rehearsal studio. The others are not around.**

**Penny**: A friend of mine is married to a Physicist and he is always writing crazy things on his white board. I saw her this morning and took a picture of his latest ramblings.

**Bill**: I heard that Johnson was having problems getting something original so we were planning to just put something obvious like one of Einstein's theories but it won't look as good. Can I have a look?

**Penny shows the photos of Sheldon's work.**

**Penny**: Why don't we put this on the board just for today's rehearsal. If Johnson comes up with something different we can change it later.

**Bill**: I suppose so. I will have to learn some of it just to look the part but that should be OK. Why has he called it "Dark Light Paradigm?"

**Penny**: Absolutely no idea. But I can guarantee that very few people on the planet will know either.

**Bill**: You really are a dark horse, Penny. So, you hang around with people who can really do this Science stuff!

**Penny**: Not just a pretty face, you know! You reckon you can learn this stuff?

**Bill**: I once learnt to sing the Japanese National Anthem for one film. Not a clue what I was singing but made all the right noises. Will your friend mind us using it?

**Penny**: No, I'm sure he will be fine about it.

**Scene 4**

**Bernie and Dave are in Bernie's office. They are discussing Penny.**

**Bernie**: So, have you come to an agreement with the 3 Amigos?

**Dave**: It was, really, only the two we need to worry about. Slappy and Squeaky. They have both gone from "Sue, Sue, Sue" to being more willing to discuss this. I did point out to them that they were hardly innocents in all this. I think that they may be willing to forget what happened provided they get something from Penny acknowledging that there was a misunderstanding about it all, and we all keep quiet about it then we find someone less like Bruce Lee to replace her.

**Bernie**: Probably realised that they might lose most of their clients without a Y chromosome if it gets out what they did. Anyone who has met those jerks knows what they are like.

**Dave**: Jerks they may be, but valuable jerks none the less.

**Bernie**: So you want Penny to write a grovelling apology?

**Dave**: No, the legal team will write the letter; all we need is for Penny to sign it.

**Bernie**: I'm not sure if she will. I have not really spoken to her in the last two weeks but I do know she can be quite stubborn. Will you take her back in if she does?

**Dave**: I am not sure I can ever trust her anymore.

**Bernie**: If we want to keep what happened quiet, then we may need to pay her off at the very least. Those Medics realise that they can't accuse her of assault so the balls in her court.

**Dave**: Well, she's your friend, you recommended her, you sort it out.

**Bernie**: (**Getting cross**) You were happy to employ her!

**Dave**: Let's not fight about this. She needs someone to talk to her on the quiet to explain the options to her. I will see if I can get the cash to keep her quiet. You get her to agree to sign the non-disclaimer and apology.

**Bernie**: OK. I'm due to see her tomorrow night.

**Dave**: Good, because we can't leave this is dangling. We need it sorted by Monday. Has she been doing anything in the last fortnight like looking for another job?

**Bernie**: No, I don't think so. I think she's just been sitting waiting to see what will happen.

**Scene 5**

**Back at Rehearsals. They are rehearsing a scene where Simon/Werner and Dave/Richard are setting up Kaley's Wifi**

**Simon/Werner**: Now if I set up a Bluetooth video camera in the shower that is movement sensitive to link up to the Wifi, it will send through a feed every time Kaley is in there. Just think of what we can charge the Post Docs to watch?

**Dave/Richard**: Werner, can you give it a break. Can't you just be happy being in a sexy girl's flat knowing she's not going to report you for breaking and entering and that she actually invited you in for once.

**Simon/Werner**: What happened to your sense of adventure.

**Dave/Richard**: Decided to try and grow up.

**Simon/Werner**: I'll remind you of that the next time we go to Comicon.

**Dave/Richard: (He checks the Wifi on his phone) **There, that seems to be fine. Come on let's leave.

**Simon/Werner**: Hang on a second. Let's have a nose around. Kaley will be a while at the Supermarket. I want to see what she's got in the flat.

**Dave/Richard: **No, that's creepy. What if she came back early and caught us going through her stuff.

**Simon/Werner**: She won't, besides you can stay look out. Hoot like an owl if you see her coming.

**Dave/Richard: **You don't think she might be a little bit surprised to hear an owl at 11.30 in the morning?

**Simon/Werner**: No, she's an aspiring actress not David Attenborough.

**Dave/Richard: **You can stay here. I'm going back to the apartment. (**Richard leaves**)

**Simon/Werner**: (**Werner goes into Kaley's bedroom and opens her clothes drawer**) So what have we here? Black underwear!

**Conrad**: (**Comes through from behind the camera**) OK Guys let's hold it there. I think we are just about there now. Grab a coffee and come through to the editing suite. We want you to see the best cuts from all the scenes. I want you to go into tomorrow's show with a clear picture of how each scene will go, and the interaction between each of you.

**They all go through into the editing room. Penny is sitting next to Bill.**

**Penny**: (**speaking to Bill**). I'll be honest with you. This is the first time I've ever been in an editing suite. In most of the stuff I've done I think they saw "editing" as a luxury.

**Bill**: It's cool. I think your part is taking shape. There is good interaction between us all. I'm feeling pretty confident about it now.

**Penny**: But this is a first for you as well?

**Bill**: Having a starring part, absolutely. I have had a lot of parts; mostly speaking as well. They tend to cast me as the actor in the horror film who says something along the lines of "I'll just check in that room", whilst the audience are shouting out "Don't go in!" the music gets spooky and the slasher/alien/zombie-delete as applicable-dispatches me with the appropriate amount of blood for the film's rating.

**Penny**: Does that bother you?

**Bill**: Not really. I sometimes feel as if I'm part of a quota. You know "…but we had ten black actors with speaking parts in the film." Even if most of what I say is "Aaaahhhhhhhh" as the knife/chainsaw/teeth go in.

**Penny**: And it pays for the car.

**Bill**: You're right; it keeps me in fast cars and loose women. Or is it the other way around.

**Penny**: I'm sure they're not all loose-the cars that is!

**Scene 6**

**Leonard is in his car. He is driving to the studio. His phone's sat nav is talking in the background**

**Leonard**: This looks like it here. (**he pulls up to the security gate and puts the window down. A Guard comes over**)

**Leonard**: (**Very Nervous)**. Hi. I've come to collect my wife. She's in rehearsals.

**Guard**: **(looking at his clipboard).** Name and Role.

**Leonard**: Leonard Hofsteder, I'm a Research Physicist at CalTech

**Guard**: No, your wife's name and the show she's in.

**Leonard**: (**looks embarrassed**). Oh, Penny Hofsteder is her name. It's a new pilot show.

**Guard**: Oh yes. I've got you. So, your Penny's husband. Lucky man. She's really gorgeous. All the guys say so. We've got an audience of 250 for tomorrow's pilot. Is it going to be fly or will it bomb?

**Leonard**: (**looking relieved**) I hope it flies!

**Guard**: Drive down for about 100 yards and you'll see a parking area on the right. I'll call down and get one of the runners to pick you up. (**He opens the gate and Leonard drives through**)

**He pulls up at the parking area and gets out of the car. A young girl comes over to him. She is about 21 and very attractive.**

**Girl: **Hi; are you Leonard?

**Leonard**: Guilty as proven! (**laughs**)

**Angie**: I'm Angie. Penny is just about ready. Conrad is just going through a few points with her. She asked me to get you a Coffee and generally look after you until she's finished.

**Leonard**: I can think of worse offers I've had in the last month. (**they walk into the studio**)

**Leonard: ** Are things going well on the show? Will they be ready for tomorrow night?

**Angie**: I think so. There is a real buzz about the place, and all the support staff are saying it looks good. It's my first time so I don't know what "well" looks like. Penny is brilliant. Such a natural.

**Leonard: (Looks surprised)** Really? I mean that's great. She has been downplaying things when I talk to her each night. A natural? (**to himself**) Who'd have thought?

**Angie**: Yes, the way she interacts with the other actors, especially Stephen/Bill, is brilliant. Chemistry is what these programmes are all about, so they told us at Drama School, and they have got it.

**Leonard:** Chemistry eh? That's great (**Leonard's face says different**)

**Leonard wonders around the set with his coffee. **

**Leonard**: (**to himself**) Looks a bit like the flat. Even got a couch with a special cushion. I wonder who sits there? **The white board is turned inwards. He turns it around.** What's on the whiteboard? Dark Light? That's what Sheldon was talking about? I wonder where they got that idea from?

**Penny comes into the studio and sees Leonard.**

**Penny**: Hiya Sweetie. Thanks for coming to pick me up. Did Angie look after you? Not too well, I hope!

**Leonard:** (**kissing Penny**) No, she was lovely. Frighteningly young and pretty, but lovely.

**Penny**: I am so glad that they decided they wanted someone a little more mature than normal. 25 years old I can pretend to be; 18 is harder.

**Leonard:** So, show me around. Is this the boys flat?

**Penny**: Yes; and mine is across the hall. Most of the shooting is in here but we use mine for scenes that show how out of their depth the guys are when dealing with me-except of course Stephen who has no comprehension of what "out of his depth" means,

**Leonard:** (**looks worried**) Angie said that Kaley and Stephen had a good chemistry together.

**Penny**: Yes, we are really bouncing off each other.

**Leonard**: Bouncing off each other? Sounds great.

**Interval**

**Scene 7**

**It is the following evening. Leonard is getting ready. Sheldon and Amy are waiting for him. **

**Leonard**: Do you think this shirt looks better with these trousers or with the fawn ones?

**Amy**: Leonard this is the fourth change you have made already. No-one will really notice what trousers you're wearing-as long as you are wearing some. Going in a dress or in your shorts would get you noticed but not in a good way. It might take the focus away from Penny as well. It is meant to be her evening after all.

**Leonard**: I know, but I just don't want to show her up in front of her new colleagues.

**Amy**: The best thing that you can do is to be yourself. Penny won't mind that. I can guarantee that if you try and be someone cool you'll look silly.

**Sheldon**: I sometimes wonder, Leonard, if you were in fact adopted. I just can't see you having any connection with your mother. Perhaps it was some research project she was working on. You know, like the ones where they take a kitten and give it to a Lioness to look after. Still grows up to be a Cat, just one with illusions of grandeur.

**Leonard**: Thank you for that interesting observation. Based on those last two comments from the pair of you, and the fact that we are running late, I shall stick with what I'm wearing. (**He picks up his car keys and they leave the apartment**)

**As they get into his car, his phone rings. It's Howard synchronising their travel.**

**Howard: **We are all in the car. Stewart is safely ensconced with Halley and a box set of Star Trek original series, because you can never watch them too many times. Cinnamon will also be watching Star Trek because it is her favourite too. I am just awaiting your command and we will be off.

**Leonard**: That's fine. If we both drive sensibly then we can arrive together. Penny gave me the tickets for you all. I will give them out when we park but you need to be there when we go through security.

**Howard**: 10/4 Big Buddy. Let's get this convoy rolling. (**They set off. Howard then speaks to Bernie**)

**Howard**: You've been a bit quiet. Any problems at work you want to share?

**Bernie**: Well not really, maybe a little something, actually maybe a big something.

**Howard:** Which one of them. You kind of covered all bases on the problem front.

**Bernie**: Actually, it is the last one.

**Howard**: What is it. They being mean to you at work? If they are I'll be happy to sort them out by delegating the job to someone big, tough and handy in a fight. Wonder what Penny's doing? Oh, that's right, she's about to get her big break.

**Bernie**: It's Penny that is the problem.

**Howard**: How come? Isn't she about to become a star?

**Bernie**: Maybe. But whatever happens I need her to help resolve the problem with the Doctors. They want this problem to quietly go away, but they know that if Penny starts bad mouthing then some of their female clients may up sticks and move practice. So they want her to sign a confidentiality clause so she can't make trouble for them.

**Howard**: Wow. And they want you to discuss this with Penny?

**Bernie: **It gets worse. Now her boss Dave also wants her to sign a letter stating it was all a terrible understanding, the Doctors didn't try it on with her and that she got the wrong end of the stick.

**Howard**: I thought it was her foot that someone got the wrong end of?

**Bernie: **Very amusing. And, finally, Dave doesn't want to take her back. That won't be a problem if things go well tonight. But if they don't, and this show bombs, then she will be out of two jobs in one go.

**Raj**: That is so unfair. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. When are you meant to tell her?

**Bernie**: I have got to do it sometime between now and Monday morning. As such, can we combine our three religions, and pray that tonight goes well.

**Back in Leonard's car. **

**Amy**: Penny came over and borrowed one of my headscarves yesterday. She said it would be ideal for one of her scenes. Fancy my wardrobe being seen on TV. I might add it to my profile on the University Faculty site.

**Leonard**: It will be weird to see her wearing clothes that someone in wardrobe has decided that someone like Penny would wear.

**Sheldon**: Given that Penny is playing someone like Penny, you would have thought that they would have just said "Wear what you normally wear." Am I missing something or isn't that what real life shows are meant to be.

**Leonard**: Not quite. They're meant to look like they are real life but are still exciting and interesting. I mean who would want to watch a show of the real lives of people like us?

**Sheldon**: Well, I would for a start. Well not your life, but certainly Amy's and mine. Lots of people would want to see the inside of my brilliant mind.

**Leonard**: Now, we are nearly there. I just want to go through what you promised. Number 1. No sweets in the studio. I don't want Penny being put off by the sound of you unwrapping a Barley Sugar.

Number 2. Make sure you've been to the toilet. I'm not taking you out in the middle of a scene.

Number 3. No talking out loud. If you see something that you don't understand then ask me about it afterwards.

**Sheldon**: You make me sound like I'm untrustworthy and difficult. I understand how important this is to Penny and won't cause any issues.

**Amy**: Don't worry Leonard. Sheldon will be perfectly well behaved.

**Scene 8**

**The cars arrive at Security. It is the same Guard who was there the previous day and he recognises Leonard.**

**Guard**: It's Penny's young man, isn't it? Are you all coming to see the show?

**Leonard**: Yes. It's the three of us and the three in the car behind

**Guard:** You have six guest tickets?

**Leonard hands them over. The Guard glances at them and hands them back.**

**Guard:** You know where to park. Have a great time and tell Penny we are all rooting for her.

**Leonard**: Thanks for that. So are we.

**The gate opens and both cars drive through. They both park and all get out of the cars. There is long queue outside the door to the studio.**

**Leonard**: Lot of people here. Penny says that the audience tends to be a mixture of those who want it to be a super success so they can tell all their friends that they saw it at the start.

**Amy**: What about the other half?

**Leonard**: They want it to be the biggest turkey ever, again so they can tell their friends.

**Howard**: I don't mind a bit of turkey, even if it is a long time to Thanksgiving.

**Bernie**: Howard Rostenkowski-Wolowitz: if you laugh when you shouldn't, you'll be plain old Howard Wolowitz by the time I've finished with you.

**Raj**: Well, I shall just be swept along on a carpet of wonder by the lights and smell of the theatre.

**Howard**: Of course I won't laugh if Penny screws up. Only if one of the other actors screws up.

**Leonard**: Don't, Howard. This is not like an exam. If one fails they all fail.

**Howard**: Sounds like "Apollo 13." Look, I'm sure it will be fine, Penny will be fine everything will turn out fine (**he smiles sweetly at Bernie**)

**Sheldon**: Well, I am getting hungry. (**He turns to Amy**) When am I allowed my next slow release carb bar?

**Amy**: At 6.00 precisely, just before the show starts?

**Angie, who Leonard met yesterday is walking along the queue. She sees Leonard.**

**Angie: **Leonard**. **You're here**. (She comes over and kisses him on the cheek). **Is this the rest of your group? If so, come with me. You don't have to queue; friends of the crew get special treatment. (**She turns and leads them off to the front of the queue.)**

**Howard**: (**whispering to Leonard**) How do you know her? If you had said there were babes like her I would have suggested to Bernie she stayed at home

**Bernie**: (**angry**) Howard, I can hear you. Bats would die to have ears like mine.

**Howard**: I was just commenting to Leonard how friendly Penny's colleagues are.

**Angie takes them through the doors to the studio. She takes them to seats towards the back. **

**Angie: **Penny said that she didn't want you to close in case she saw you and it put her off.

**They sit down in their seats. Sheldon is not comfortable and asks to change places with Raj and then again with Howard. Finally he decides Leonard's seat, which is in the middle of the row is the best. They change. The rest of the audience start to come in. The lights in the auditorium dim.**

**Johnson Stewart comes out to address the audience.**

**Johnson**: Thank you for coming along tonight for the Pilot episode of this new TV comedy. We are shooting in front of a live audience, so please keep the noise down unless of course you're clapping or cheering—at the right time! As this is a pilot, we may re-shoot some of the scenes more than once so bear with us if need to do that.

This show is about the interaction, friendship and, who knows, love of opposites. On the one hand, we have Kaley, aspiring actress, fighting to stay afloat in Hollywood. On the other hand, we have four of Berkeley's finest Physicists.

There will be a break around 6.50 for twenty minutes. We aim to finish around 8.00-8.30. As you leave, you will be given a form to complete so we can get your feedback on the show. The pilot itself is on CBS this Sunday night at 8.30 so tell your friends to watch it. Those wanting a last sweet, unwrap it now and let's get going

**Sheldon**: That means me.

**Raj**: Shhh Sheldon. He said not to speak.

**Howard**: Shhh Raj.

**Amy takes out the energy bar and hands it to Sheldon, miming that he should eat it quietly. Sheldon smiles, puts his thumb up and rubs his stomach. The lights go down and he show starts.**

**Scene 9 **

**It is the Intermission. The group are together, drinking soft drinks.**

**Amy:** It is pretty good so far

**Bernie**: Not spotted any mistakes. And Penny is excellent.

**Amy:** And the rest of the audience seem to find the guys pretty funny.

**Bernie**: It's as though they have never met anyone like them before, so everything the boys do looks weird.

**Amy**: Who would have thought sharing your life with a group of Nerds would be so amusing!

**Leonard**: How did Bill know that Penny has a tattoo on her right buttock?

**Sheldon:** Isn't it weird that Penny's character Kaley has a tattoo in the same place? And a Chinese character saying "Soup". What are the chances of that?

**Howard**: It's not chance, Sheldon. Penny must have told them, or somebody saw it, and they thought they would add it to the script.

**Leonard:** What do you mean "somebody saw it."

**Howard**: Well, in the shower scene, maybe the towel slipped.

**Raj**: I don't think much of the Indian character. All he says is "exceedingly amusing" in a silly accent.

**Howard**: That's funny. It sounded just like you.

**Raj**: And he's wearing a turban so he is meant to be a Sikh, yet he says he doesn't drink milk as if was a Hindu. It is almost as if he is a caricature of India.

**Howard**: Well I still think he's funny. Least he's funnier than the short Jewish guy.

**Raj**: Not a lot like Harry Potter is he?

**Howard**: He is a bit of creep, wanting to spy on Kaley. Trying to get her to drop the towel. Even if he has got a Doctorate.

**Leonard**. Richard is kind of cool. Tall and good looking.

**Howard**: Well he's no chance of getting off with Kaley. She's far too sexy.

**Sheldon**: Well I like Stephen the best. He's the most reasonable, sensible and intelligent of them all. Even if he does spend all of his time arguing with Kaley.

**Howard**: The best interactions are between Kaley and Stephen. That's what works the best.

**Leonard**: I still think it works well between her and Richard too.

**Scene 10**

**They are all back in their seats. The show is running. It is the last scene where Kaley is cooking a meal for the boys to say thank you for them helping her move in and sorting out her wifi. **

**Kaley**: Well, I hope your appetite is good. Your about to eat some finger licking good ol' Nebraskan Chicken Corn Fritters. Can't have Beef because of Chandra; Can't have Pork because of Werner; Can't have Lamb because Stephen thinks their cute. So Chicken Fritters it is!

**Stephen**: With or without a Chlorine wash?

**Kaley**: Without!

**Richard**: I am sure it will be lovely.

**Chandra**: Exceedingly lovely.

**Stephen stands up and moves the whiteboard around.**

**Stephen**: Well whilst we're waiting, I thought I would regale you with my latest ideas on the structure of Dark Matter.

**Sheldon**: (**whispering to Leonard**) This should be good.

**Leonard** (whispers back) Shhhh

**Amy**: (also whispering) Shhh

**Stephen appears to look out into the audience, then continues**

**Stephen**: I start from the premise that if Dark Matter makes up 85% of the Universe but we can't see it, then that means that their must be an equivalent amount of Dark Energy that we also are unaware of. If the relationship between Dark Energy and Dark Matter is the same as between normal matter and normal energy, then there must be an equivalent equation to Einstein's E=Mc2

**Kaley**: Anyone object to Chilli?

**Stephen**: I am about to open the minds of these poor mindless simpletons and you ask how much chilli they want?

**Kaley:** Half a Scotch Bonnet it is.

**Richard**: Not too much, please Kaley. It sets my sneezing off.

**Chandra**: With my upbringing that will be too mild for me.

**Simon**: (**Leering at Kaley**) You can make it as hot as you like for me!

**Stephen**: (**Getting cross**) Gentlemen please. We are scientists on the brink of a great leap forward in knowledge and all you can talk about is the Scoville scale. Concentrate. So this equation here focuses on WIMPS and how to identify them.

**Kaley:** Sitting around this table if I am not wrong.

**Stephen**: Kaley. Stop interrupting. I am talking about Weak Interacting Massive Particles not people like Richard who need help in removing small spiders from the bathroom.

**Richard**: Some of them are very large and they can bite

**Stephen**: Anyway my ideas have been captured in this brilliant equation that I have discovered to deal with, what I call, the Dark Matter Light Paradox.

**Sheldon**: (**trying to whisper**) But that is my theory. He's stolen my theory.

**Leonard**: Ssssshhhh

**Bernie**: (**very loudly**) SSSSHHHH.

**Sheldon**: (**even louder**) I won't SSSSSHHHH. (**He stands up**) That's my theorem. You've stolen it from me. How dare you!

**At this point the audience turns to look at Sheldon as do the players on stage**

**Penny/Kaley: (to herself) **Oh my God! It's Sheldon

**Stephen**: (**staying in character**). Not it is not. Only someone with my intellect, brain-power and humility could have come up with something as brilliant as this! Not someone weak, feeble and pale like you.

**Sheldon: (puzzled and confused) **But I only developed this two days ago. How could you steal it in such a short time?

**Stephen**: (**still in character**) That proves it! I have been working on this for months!

**Sheldon**: Stop it. This is unfair. Leonard, Howard, Raj, Amy. Help me. Tell this man that this is my theory. (**He turns to the rest of the group. All bar Amy are now hiding under their seats**) Amy?

**Someone behind the scenes shouts "CUT". The lights come on in the auditorium. Johnson rushes back out onto the stage**

**Johnson**: **(to the audience**). We're going to take another break for ten minutes. Except you. (**He looks at Sheldon**) Could you come and join me please?

**Sheldon**: (**Looks to the others for support. However, all bar Amy have crawled out along the floor**) Why me?

**Johnson**: I would just like to discuss something with you.

**Amy**: Don't worry, Sheldon. I'll come with you.

**Sheldon**: Thank you Amy. Not sure where my other friends are?

**They walk down to the front of the stage, which is now empty except for Johnson.**

**Johnson**: Hi, is it Sheldon? And Amy?

**Amy**: Yes, that's right. What's the problem?

**Johnson**: Well, Sheldon, you obviously have a problem with our white board theorems.

**Sheldon**: You bet your life I do. These are my ideas, dreamt up by me and condensed by my brilliant mind into a simple mathematical allegory. And He (**he points dismissively backstage**) has the temerity to claim them for his own.

**Johnson**: So you're a Physicist? Where at?

**Sheldon**: I am the Senior Theoretical Physicist at Caltech.

**Amy**: A brilliant mind; friends of the late, even more brilliant, Stephen Hawking.

**Sheldon**: Hawking was older and only sounded more brilliant because he had a electronic voice and he didn't come from East Texas.

**Johnson**: Caltech. That's interesting. I got my idea for the show in talking with some people there. Do you know. Barry Krypke?

**Sheldon**: Krypke! That's who stole my ideas!

**Amy**: But, how could he? You were working on this at home.

**Sheldon**: He must have heard me discussing my ideas with myself over lunch and worked his way through my reasoning to the same equation. I sometimes think even my mutterings must be brilliant.

**Johnson**: I promise it wasn't Barry. But just remember, guys. We do want to get the science right but this is just a TV programme and they are just actors.

**Sheldon**: But Stephen can't be acting. I feel a bond with him. He's just like me,

**Johnson**: Sheldon, I will tell Bill what you said. He will be delighted that you believe in him. That's always the challenge for an actor playing someone very different from yourself. Now, if you want, we can ensure that the details on the white board are hidden so that any real Physicists watching won't know what it says. Mind you, it would a shame not to include it.

**Sheldon**: (**he thinks about it**) Well, Ok as long as it is not shown on TV. That way I'll know it's there and that it's real, but no-one else will.

**Johnson**: If you like, we can let you come and watch some of the rehearsals and meet up with the cast.

**Amy**: That would be cool.

**Sheldon**: I would only want to meet up with Stephen. Hanging out with him would be fun.

**Johnson**: Can you go back to your seats now? We need to finish off the final scene.

**Sheldon and Amy go back to their seats. The rest of the audience come back in**. **The show starts again.**

**Scene 11**

**The pilot has finished. Leonard, Sheldon Amy, Howard, Raj and Bernie are back at the apartment**

**Howard**: How come Penny didn't come home with you?

**Leonard**: She sent me a text saying that they need a debrief, watch some of the rushes and decide if there are any extra scenes they might need to add. She didn't mention Sheldon's interruption.

**Raj**: I know that they redid some of the scene but I can't believe his interruption didn't cause a problem.

**Sheldon**: There was no problem. Just a slight misunderstanding. The writer was very nice about it and even said I could come and watch rehearsals and hang out with Stephen.

**Leonard**: Looks like everyone wants to hang out with Stephen.

**Raj**: Well I wrote on my feedback that it was all wonderful, Kaley was beautiful Werner, Stephen and Richard were all very funny but that Chandra was a bit wet

**Howard**: And I said the same, except I thought Chandra was funny but Simon was a creep.

**Amy**: I said it was very true to life.

**Bernie**: Me too.

**Leonard**: Well we will just have to wait until Sunday and see what it looks like. I really hope it works out, but if it doesn't at least Penny's had a try at stardom and she can always go back to her old job.

**Bernie**: That might be a problem. I need to talk to Penny at some stage over the weekend about that. Let's just say I'm really hoping the show works out for her.

**Credits**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Scene 1**

**It's the night of the pilot and the actors are still at the studio. **

**Conrad: **(**He is standing; the rest of the crew are sitting**) Well, I feel that it went well for a Pilot. That interruption, however, was a real pain-the problem with a live audience with lots of geeks in it, I guess. We will work with the editing team tonight and tomorrow to see what we can come up with. We may have to re-do the ending, so you'll need be on standby tomorrow just in case. Angie will call you if needed.

**Johnson**: (**stands up**) We have been crunching the numbers from the feedback forms. They make interesting reading. No-one disliked it and 52% gave it 3 stars with 30% giving it 4 stars and 27 people-nearly 18%- giving it 5 stars. However, this is a heavily biased group, with a lot of your friends and family in there. Sunday is the big day.

**Dave**: Does anyone know what caused the uproar?

**Penny**: Well….

**Bill**: (**interrupting Penny**) I got this idea for using Dark Matter, in my speech to you guys, from a friend at Caltech. I wasn't to know that it was for real and that some geek in the audience would not only know the topic but was researching it as well.

**Randeep**: That's unfortunate, dude. A "strange indeed" as my 5-year-old nephew likes to call them

**Simon**: But it blew that last scene out of the water-a shame because I thought the banter between Stephen and Kaley was working well.

**Johnson**: The weird thing is that most people thought it was part of the show-a fair number thought it was the best bit in there.

**Conrad**: That was down to Bill. Staying in character was brilliant impro. Shame is that I don't think we can use it.

**Penny:** (**talking to Johnson**) You spoke with the guy-was he OK about it all?

**Johnson**: He was a weirdo-one of the guys from Caltech. I managed to calm him down and he was fine.

**Penny**: That's good. Wouldn't want any bad feeling out there.

**Simon**: (**to Conrad**) So, do you think there is a show in the can?

**Conrad**: It really is hard to say. There were genuine laughs out there and I do feel the conflict between "Beauty and the Geek" has a life we can develop further. Time-at least Sunday-will tell.

**Penny**: Roll on Sunday.

**Conrad**: Ok Guys. You can go now. Good work once again and see you tomorrow if necessary. If not, then we'll be holding a party on Sunday when the show is on. Bring someone with you. We will get feedback on social media as soon as the show starts, and the on-line reviewers will have their articles for reading within an hour. So, we'll either be drowning our sorrows or celebrating by 9.00.

**The group splits up. Penny and Bill walk towards the parking area. **

**Bill**: Can I offer you another lift?

**Penny**: Could you? It will give me a chance to have a quiet chat about what happened tonight. I'll text Leonard to let him know you're dropping me back.

**They walk over to Bill's car and get in. Bill sets off.**

**Penny**: Thanks for baling me out with what happened. I had no idea that Sheldon would react the way he did. I didn't even think he would notice it.

**Bill**: So that wasn't Leonard? I thought that's who it was. So, who was the Brainiac?

**Penny**: That was Sheldon.

**Bill**: And he is…..

**Penny**: From another planet.

**Bill**: Somewhere far, far away in another Galaxy.

**Penny**: He is a real sweetie, and I love him dearly-in the sort of way everyone loves ET- but he is sometimes difficult to call.

**Bill**: I would like to meet him. He could give me some real incites into the mind of Stephen.

**Penny**: Be careful what you wish for. I'm not sure anyone should try and get into Sheldon's mind. I'll have to apologise to him and hope he forgives me.

**They drive on in silence for a while. **

**Bill**: How did you enjoy your first experience of live TV.

**Penny**: Loved it; just hope it wasn't my last!

**Bill**: I'm confident it won't be.

**They arrive at the apartment. Penny kisses Bill on the cheek and gets out. She looks up and sees Leonard looking at her. She waves.**

**Scene 2**

**It's the following morning. Penny is still in bed. Leonard comes in with a tray with breakfast.**

**Leonard: **Wakey, Wakey. Rise and shine my star.

**Penny**: Hello. Breakfast in Bed. I'll have to do more live TV shows if this is what I get every time.

**Leonard**: Only when there is a "R" in the month.

**Penny**: But it's August?

**Leonard**: Didn't you know I was dyslexic? I spell it "Argust"

**Penny**: (**She smiles**) I spend all day working with geeks and then I come home and sleep with one as well.

**Leonard**: As long as you don't get it the other way around.

**Penny**: (**Looking pensive**) I've just remembered. I need to speak with Sheldon.

**Leonard**: I told you last night. After his sudden outburst, once he talked with that Writer guy, what's his name….

**Penny**: Johnson

**Leonard**: Johnson, well he was fine.

**Penny**: I still want to see him though. Anyway, tell me again what everyone thought of it and what were their favourite bits?

**Leonard**: Well, Raj liked all the characters except Chandra who he thought had a silly Indian accent; Howard liked all the characters except Simon who he thought was a sex pervert. Sheldon liked Stephen but no-one else; I liked everyone especially Richard and thought Kaley was gorgeous and I would love to go to bed with her! Finally, Amy thought your headscarf was brilliant and Bernie said it was just like being at home. That reminds me, I think she needs to talk to you at some point over the weekend.

**Penny**: About work—old work.

**Leonard**: Yes, and it didn't sound good.

**Scene 3**

**Amy and Sheldon are having breakfast. There is a knock on the door. It is Leonard and Penny.**

**Amy**: Bestie-"The Wearer of the Scarf"

**Penny**: The very same. What did you think?

**Amy**: I thought it looked fantastic-but then anything you wear looks fantastic.

**Penny**: The show, what did you think of the show?

**Sheldon**: Well, I thought it was far-fetched. Someone like Kaley living next door to someone like Stephen.

**Penny**: Well, I live next door to you?

**Sheldon**: But you're nothing at all like Kaley.

**Penny**: I shall take that as a compliment to my brilliant acting.

**Amy**: I thought you were gorgeous. It was the others I wasn't so sure about.

**Leonard**: Well I liked them all

**Sheldon**: That's not what you said last night. You said Stephen over-acted and didn't come across at all believable.

**Penny**: (**looks surprised**) Did you Leonard?

**Leonard**: No, I didn't-I just said he wasn't as believable as Richard.

**Penny**: Well, I think that if Sheldon liked him that's good enough for me. Actually, Sheldon, I really came over to explain about the white board.

**Sheldon**: Why?

**Penny**: It was me who copied your whiteboard and used it for the show.

**Sheldon**: Penny! So, it was you. I was convinced that somehow Barrie Krypke had developed the art of mind-reading. If it was only you then that's alright—and it also explains something.

**Leonard**: Sheldon, that's very noble and good of you to be so understanding.

**Amy: **I am very proud of you to be so grown up about this, Sheldon.

**Sheldon**: That's OK, it is the way that I am.

**Leonard**: But why did you get so upset last night?

**Sheldon**: I was upset initially, then I calmed down once I went up to the stage.

**Leonard**: And talked to Johnson?

**Sheldon**: No, not when I talked to him; when I saw the whiteboard up close.

**Penny**: Why?

**Sheldon**: When I saw the equations on the board. They didn't make sense at all. Anyone seeing them would have been completely non-plussed.

**Penny**: But I copied them down from the photograph!

**Sheldon**: I can believe that. You thought you had copied them down correctly. However, you turned one of the subscripts into a power and put the brackets around the wrong differentiator. It made it absolute gibberish

**Penny**: You spotted that? I wondered if anyone would notice!

**Amy**: Did Sheldon's interruption cause a real problem?

**Penny**: When Bill-Stephen-stayed in character when he had his argument with Sheldon, the audience thought it was part of the plot. We—and you-were the only ones who knew it wasn't. Conrad was wondering if it could be incorporated into the script?

**Leonard**: Hay-you could be on TV, Sheldon.

**Sheldon**: I don't think so. I like to keep my feet firmly in reality.

**Leonard**: Quite. Listen, we are going to grab a coffee. Would you like to come?

**Amy**: That would be nice.

**Sheldon**: Amy! I had my first coffee of the day only 20 minutes ago. I'm not due my next one for another three hours. Why on earth would I want to go to a Coffee shop?

**Penny**: Well, we plan to call in and see Stuart as he missed out on the show last night. I thought it would be nice to tell him how it went. Perhaps we could meet up there-if that doesn't confuse your schedule, Sheldon.

**Sheldon**: No, I am sure we could manage that.

**Penny**: You know it's funny. I've spent the last two weeks spending my time with someone trying to be Sheldon and, on my first day off, I'm with the real thing.

**Sheldon**: Penny, there is only one of me.

**Leonard**: For which we can all be eternally grateful.

**Scene 4**

**Penny and Leonard arrive at the coffee shop. It's quite crowded.**

**Penny**: My treat. You go and grab a table and be firm if someone tries to take if off you.

**Leonard**: I'll just tell them I am with the Blond Avenger. That should do it.

**Penny**: Take my hand bag with you. I've got my card. Skinny Latte and a Danish for two is it? How to eat fat and drink slim at the same time

**Leonard**: Just what the Doctor ordered. (**He takes Penny's bag and goes over to the table**. **As he sits down Penny's phone starts to ring from inside her bag**. **He takes it out**)

**Leonard**: Penny—phone!

**Penny**: Tell them I'll call them back.

**Leonard**: (**he answers the phone a little nervously**) Hi, Penny's phone.

**Angie**: Hi. Is that Leonard. It's Angie here from the Studio

**Leonard**: (**Suddenly a lot more relaxed**). Hi, Angie. How are things?

**Angie**: I'm fine. Did you enjoy the show last night? Shame about the interruption. What a weirdo. He must have been sitting pretty close to you. I didn't see who it was myself.

**Leonard**: He was a bit weird, but I think quite harmless. Penny's in a queue for Coffee at present. Can she call you back or can I take a message?

**Angie**: A message would be fine. Can you tell her that we need her in this afternoon at 2.00. The plan is to do a separate ending to the episode. It will just be Penny and Bill. Johnson's come up with a great ending.

**Leonard**: Just Kaley and Stephen? No room for Richard?

**Angie**: No, I think that Johnson and Conrad want to play on the chemistry between these two. Can you let Penny know?

**Leonard**: Sure, I will.

**Penny comes over with the Coffee and Danish**

**Penny**: Well protected, my brave warrior. Who was on the phone?

**Leonard**: It was Angie. They need you to come in this afternoon at 2.00 to shoot the final scene again.

**Penny**: Damn. I was hoping we could have the day together.

**Leonard**: Me too.

**Penny**: Did she say whether it would be all of us?

**Leonard**: (**Looking a little miserable**) No, just you and Stephen. Johnson has got an idea for an ending that plays on the chemistry between you both.

**Penny**: Never mind. I am sure it won't take up a lot of time.

**Leonard**: Could I come and watch?

**Penny**: (**thinking for a bit**). I would like you to come in at some point, but I am still not very confident. I think it might put me off, especially if I'm improvising. If I see you there, I might forget which geeks I'm with and start calling Stephen Sheldon!

**Leonard**: (**Looking even more bothered**). I understand. I'll just wait for you at home

**Penny**: (**trying to cheer him up**) But look; I didn't tell you. Tomorrow night there is a party over at the Studio. We'll be watching the show on their big screen and they'll be drinks and food. Conrad says social media means we get a very quick feedback on how it's been received. Either way I will need a drink or seven, so you look after me and make sure I don't make a fool of myself. It will give you a chance to meet everyone.

**Leonard**: (**trying to look unbothered**) Ok that would be fun.

**Penny**: You'll enjoy it and it will mean a lot to me. Come on; I'm not due in until 2.00. Drink up and we'll go to the Comic Store and see Stuart.

**Scene 4**

**Bernie and Howard have just arrived at the Comic Store. Halley is in a push chair**

**Bernie**: Ok; I need to pick up some stuff at the Drug Store then I want to check out some new boots.

**Howard**: Thigh length, made of leather, for recreational use only?

**Bernie**: No, calf length for making me look taller in the office when I'm shouting at the Sales Reps. You've got half an hour. Don't ignore Halley, and don't dump her on Stuart. That little girl thinks she has two fathers already in you and Raj. Don't make think she's got a third.

**Bernie turns to leave just as Leonard and Penny arrive.**

**Bernie**: (**to Penny**) Hi, Super Star! (**She hugs Penny**)

**Penny**: (**looking embarrassed**) Hi Bernadette. Did you enjoy the show last night?

**Bernie**: I loved it. Thought you were brilliant. Sure, it's going to be a success!

**Penny**: I hope so too.

**Bernie**: Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you. Have you got time for a quick chat?

**Penny**: I guess so. (**to Leonard**) OK sweetie. You go and play with Howard nicely while I chat with Bernie.

**Leonard**: (**Jumping up and down like a child**) Whoopppie! He walks off holding Howard's hand

**Penny and Bernie step out of the shop**

**Penny**: I guess you want to talk about work. How are things with Doctor Creepy and Doctor Hands?

**Bernie**: If you mean the battered two, recovering well. Even better, Dave has persuaded them not to press charges.

**Penny**: (**Sounding cross**) I'm pleased to hear that. Don't worry, I won't press charges on them either!

**Bernie**: Very funny. Come on Penny. Let's not argue.

**Penny**: Sorry. I know it's not you. I wasn't very happy how it was handled.

**Bernie**: I know. I want to try and sort it out for you. No-one knows about the show you're doing. I was worried that they might use it against you.

**Penny**: How come?

**Bernie**: Well, they might make out that you taking on this acting role is your way of saying that you've left the company.

**Penny**: But you sent me home on no pay. What was I meant to do?

**Bernie**: I know. Let's hope this works out for the best. What is everyone saying about its chances?

**Penny**: We'll know more tomorrow night. If it doesn't go well-what's going to happen at work?

**Bernie**: I don't think Dave will want you back.

**Penny**: They'll sack me?

**Bernie**: I think you'll get a pay-off but, yes, they'll let you go.

**Penny**: Is there anything I can do?

**Bernie**: They want you to sign an apology, saying it was all a misunderstanding.

**Penny**: Misunderstanding? How could I misunderstand someone groping me?

**Bernie**: I think that how much of a pay-off you get will depend on signing that letter.

**Penny**: That's blackmail.

**Bernie**: That's business.

**Penny**: When do they want me to decide?

**Bernie**: Monday morning. Come in and see Dave then. I will fight for you, but I think you need to sign the letter. Meantime I really hope it goes well tomorrow.

**Scene 5**

**Leonard is driving Penny to the Studio.**

**Penny**: Bernie is saying that they are going to fire me and if I sign a letter saying that the Doctors were blameless then they'll give me a pay-off. And, if I don't, then they'll just fire me with nothing.

**Leonard**: That's horrible. And Bernie can't help you?

**Penny**: No, but I'm not blaming her. I do think she has been on my side trying to support me but the Sales Director, Dave, just wants me out. It sounds like he had to do a lot of grovelling with the Doctors and wants to get rid of me as revenge for that.

**Leonard**: And they can do that? Just sack you for protecting yourself? Is there nothing you can do to fight it-get a lawyer of something?

**Penny**: Oh yes, Little Penny taking on the might of a Pharma company with all their money and legal eagles.

**Leonard**: Any money you need is yours you know. I don't want them to get away with this.

**Penny: **I don't want them to get away with it either, but we have got to be sensible about this. I don't want to think about it anymore now. I've got to concentrate on this scene.

**Leonard**: So, it's just Kaley and Stephen. Do you know what they are planning to do?

**Penny: **Not sure. They mentioned something about an alternative ending where Stephen gets locked out of the flat and I end up rescuing him. We'll see,

**Leonard**: Sounds good (**Leonard tries to sound convincing but fails**)

**Penny**: I'm sure it will be. (**they arrive at the security barrier**). Just drop me here; that will be fine.

**Leonard: **Text me when you're finished, and I'll come and pick you up.

**Penny**: Thanks sweetie. (**She kisses him and gets out of the car**)

**Leonard: **Bye. (**He drives off**)

**Interval**

**Scene 6**

**Kaley and Stephen are shooting the last scene of the pilot show. It is set in the early hours of the morning. Stephen is outside the door of Kaley's flat.**

**Stephen**: (**Knocking on the door**). Kaley. (**knocks louder**) Kaley! (**knocks even louder**) Kaley!

**Kaley opens the door **

**Kaley**: Stephen! It's 2.00 AM. What on earth are you doing?

**Stephen**: I'm having a nightmare.

**Kaley**: That makes two of us-and you're in both dreams. Why didn't you wake up Richard?

**Stephen**: He has gone to an all-night showing of the Planet of the Apes series.

**Kaley**: So why didn't you go?

**Stephen**: It gives me nightmares, all those Apes taking over.

**Kaley**: So how come you have nightmare now?

**Stephen**: I was dreaming I was with them watching the films and I was being chased by the Apes.

**Kaley**: What do you want me to do?

**Stephen**: Come over and sing me a song to help me get to sleep.

**Kaley**: Do I have an option?

**Stephen**: No

**Kaley**: Then let's go.

**They walk over to the boys' apartment. The door is shut.**

**Kaley**: Why's the door locked?

**Stephen**: I always put the lock down when I'm by myself.

**Kaley**: Where's the key?

**Stephen**: By my bed.

**Kaley**: You're locked out? And Richard will be back when?

**Stephen**: After the last film.

**Kaley**: And that will be at what time?

**Stephen**: 6.00 AM

**Kaley**: (**She looks resigned**) Come on then, I can't leave you on the floor here. You can sleep on my couch.

**Stephen**: Thank you Kaley.

**They go back into Kaley's apartment. Stephen looks at the couch.**

**Stephen**: But it's too small for Topsy and me to sleep there?

**Kaley**: Topsy? (**She looks around)** Who on earth is Topsy?

**Stephen**: She's my Dolly (**he pulls out a doll from his dressing gown. It is small with black skin and is wearing a dressing gown like the one that Stephen is wearing**)

**Kaley: **(**looking surprised**) That's Topsy?

**Stephen**: I have had her since I was 5 years old. She sleeps with me every night and helps me go to sleep.

**Kaley**: So where do you want to sleep?

**Stephen**: Topsy and I can sleep in your bed and you can sleep on the couch.

**Kaley:** (**She throws her hands in the air**) OK I give up. You and Topsy can sleep in my bed, I will sleep on the couch. Just let me get back to sleep.

**Kaley gets bed sheets and blankets out of the drawer and makes her bed up on the couch. Meantime, Stephen settles himself into Kaley's bed.**

**Stephen**: Thank you again Kaley. You are being very nice to me. Will you do one more thing?

**Kaley: (Looks exasperated)** One more thing! Will it take long?

**Stephen**: When I was scared at home, my mother always used to sing me a song to help me get to sleep. Will you sing me the song instead?

**Kaley:** (**She buries her head in her pillow and utters a silent scream then comes out from under the pillow) **OK, I'll sing it from here.

**Stephen**: No, my mother sits on the end of the bed so Topsy and I can see her.

**Kaley puts the pillow over her head and screams again. She then gets up from the couch and comes through into the bedroom.**

**Kaley**: OK, I'm here now. What is the song you want me to sing to you?

**Stephen:** It's not to me, it's to Topsy.

**Kaley**: To Topsy! OK, what song do you want me to sing to Topsy.

**Stephen:** I'll sing the first line and then you repeat it. Topsy can sit between us.

**Stephen places Topsy between the two of them.**

**Stephen**: (**Starts to sing**) "There's a little black Dolly called Topsy" (**then to Kaley**) now you sing it

**Kaley:** "There's a little black Dolly called Topsy"

**Stephen**: "Who doesn't like sleeping alone"

**Kaley**: "Who doesn't like sleeping alone"

**Stephen**: "Because Topsy's afraid of the shadows"

**Kaley**: "Because Topsy's afraid of the shadows"

**Stephen**: "Though in darkness I'm sure there are none"

**Kaley**: "Though in darkness I'm sure there are none"

**Stephen**: "But Topsy is only a dolly, who doesn't know better you see"

**Kaley**: "But Topsy is only a dolly, who doesn't know better you see"

**Stephen**: "So I just put her right next to Stephen, because I know she likes sleeping with he"

**Kaley**: "So I just put her right next to Stephen, because I know she likes sleeping with he"

**Stephen**: Now my mother would tuck Topsy next to me and I would fall asleep. Now you sing it again.

**Kaley**: OK, if that's what works for you…

**Kaley then sings the whole song all the way through. As she finishes, she tucks the doll under the bed clothes next to Stephen. He closes his eyes and starts to breath quietly. Kaley leaves the room and gets into her bed on the couch. She switches the light off. **

**Conrad**: (**in the background**) Cut. Brilliant guys. I think we have our ending to the Pilot!

**Scene 7**

**Penny and Leonard are in his car. He is driving her back from the studio**

**Leonard**: You know the security guards think you're the best. They're all rooting for the show.

**Penny**: Now all we need is the rest of America to feel the same and I'll be home and dry!

**Leonard**: Did the scene go well? What was it about?

**Penny**: It was weird. You remember that time when Sheldon locked himself out of the apartment when you were away and he had to sleep over at mine, and he made me give up my bed and sing to him?

**Leonard**: Yes. Why do you ask?

**Penny**: Well Johnson had come up with something similar.

**Leonard: **What, and you sang "Soft Kitty"?

**Penny**: Now that would have been creepy. No, it was another song. Stephen has a doll and I have to sing the doll a song and then tuck it into bed with him.

**Leonard**: That is weird, but no weirder than Sheldon, I suppose.

**Penny**: I guess living with Sheldon prepares you for anything life or art can throw at you.

**Leonard**: Do you want to go for a meal now? Or shall we just get a take out?

**Penny:** I just want to grab a take-out and chill at the apartment. I'm pooped.

**Leonard**: That sounds good to me too. Let's have an early night as well.

**Penny**: You read my mind.

**Scene 8**

**It's the following morning. Leonard and Penny are having breakfast. Leonard is very happy, getting the breakfast things ready. Penny looks sleepy.**

**Leonard**: How are you? Did you get off to sleep OK?

**Penny**: Eventually (**she smiles at him**). Have you been talking to the bio-chemists and getting any pills from them?

**Leonard**: No, that was all Leonard. First time I've ever had sex with a film star!

**Penny**: Let's not count our chickens or put a jinx on tonight's show.

**Leonard: **I know. I don't want to put the kibosh on it, but I've been thinking. I want it to go well, but if it doesn't, I don't want you trying to get back to that Sales job even if they changed their mind and took you back. I've seen how much acting means to you so I'd rather you keep trying if this one doesn't work out.

**Penny**: That means a lot to me, Leonard. Knowing I've got you supporting me. (**she kisses him**)

**Leonard's phone rings. He looks at it. It's Raj. **

**Leonard: **Hi Raj, what do you want?

**Raj**: I've been given time on the main computer today. Problem is I need someone to help with the experiment I'm working on and Howard is on baby duties and I hate asking Sheldon because he wants to interfere all the time and it takes me twice as long as necessary.

**Leonard**: I can't be too long. I'm going along to the studio later to watch the show with Penny and everyone so I mustn't be late for that.

**Raj**: I promise you won't be. If we can there by 11.00 we'll be finished by 2.00 at the latest.

**Leonard**: Hang on a second (**he puts his hand over the receiver and turns to Penny**) Raj wants me to help him with an experiment he's doing. It won't take longer than a couple of hours or so. Is that OK?

**Penny**: Ok Sweetie; that's not a problem. I'll take a long shower and do my hair and get my outfit sorted. I want to look all dolled up for tonight.

**Leonard: (speaking back to Raj) **Penny says that will be fine. I'll see you at the lab at 11.00. (**he puts the phone down and turns to Penny**). Thanks. I won't be late I promise.

**Penny**: You better not be. I need to be there at 4.30. This is my moment of truth.

**Scene 9**

**Leonard and Raj are in the lab. They are working on Raj's experiment.**

**Leonard**: OK, just run it through one more time, what you are doing and what you want me to do.

**Raj**: I have been running an experiment with LUCI at the LBT in Arizona. The data coming out of it looks very interesting and I've finally got time on the University Supercomputer to crunch it.

**Leonard**: But why on a Sunday?

**Raj**: This is Astrophysics; all I get is a Sunday and only then when someone from your department goes down with the Norovirus and gives up their slot. Mind you I'm not surprised they did as the nearest Gents toilet is at least 60 metres away from their lab and let's just say, the way he's built, he wouldn't give Usain Bolt a run for his money-though in his current state he might break other records.

**Leonard**: And what do you want me to do?

**Raj**: I'm looking for regular repeated wavelengths. The experiment has generated a huge amount of data, and the computer will highlight the 100 or so examples of repeats. What I need you to do is help me look through these and any that look interesting I can re-run the experiment just looking at those particular areas of the area that I am looking at.

**Leonard**: This repeating data. What might it show?

**Raj**: (**he looks around the lab even though they are the only ones there; he points to the wash hand basin in the corner of the room. They walk over. Raj puts the cold tap full on**) (**whispering**) I have been asked to do this by the guys at Berkeley, the ones that are interested in strange repeating wavelengths from out there. (**he points to the ceiling)**

**Leonard**: (**getting excited**) What the SETI team?

**Raj**: **(putting his finger to his lips)** Shhhhh, Leonard. I'm not meant to be doing this. You must keep your voice down.

**Leonard**: Wow. And what makes you think this area that you've been looking at might be of interest?

**Raj**: It has significantly more Earth sized planets in its galaxy than I've come across before. I told the guys at Berkeley that it might be of interest—played it down a little-and then set up this experiment to look at it further.

**Leonard**: We could be the first to spot intelligent life. Amazing.

**Raj**: My time on the computer starts in ten minutes. I reckon we have about an hour to review the data, and then we can run further checks. It there is anything of real interest, we can work on department mainframe.

**Leonard**: Let's see if ET has been phoning home!

**Scene 8**

**Penny is waiting at home for Leonard to come back. She is dressed up ready to go to the Studio.**

**Penny**: **(she is on her phone**) Still no answer. (**Leonard's answer phone message starts)** Leonard. I need to leave now. Hope there hasn't been a problem but I'll get a cab down there and see you there. (**She closes the phone**). He knew this was important to me! (**She calls for a cab and then leaves the apartment**)

**Scene 9**

**Back at the Lab. A lot of time has now passed.**

**Leonard**: I'm certain this looks promising.

**Raj:** (**looking a bit irritated**) Look, Leonard, this is the fourth data set you've said that about, and none of the have been supported by other results. I can't go "crying wolf" if all there is a picture of something that might or might not be a pussy cat. If I call Berkeley with data this weak, they will laugh in my face.

**Leonard**: (**looking disappointed**) I'm sorry Raj. I kind of got carried away with it all. So, what do we do?

**Raj**: Well it's getting a bit late. I think we should go home.

**Leonard**: **(Looking shocked**) Late? What time is it?

**Raj**: It's 5.30.

**Leonard**: 5.30! I was meant to take Penny to the Studio for the party over an hour ago. She's going to kill me. (**He grabs his jacket and takes out his phone**) I had the phone on silent from last night. There are three missed calls from her and two messages. I've got to go. (**Leonard leaves, listening to his phone messages**)

**Scene 9**

**At the Studio. There are about forty people. Penny is talking with Bill and an older woman**

**Bill: **Penny. Let me introduce you to my mother Philomena. Mum, Penny is the female lead in the show.

**Philomena**: It's nice to meet you Penny. William's told me all about you.

**Penny**: (**looks at Bill and laughs**) William eh? Well, I hope he has said only nice things!

**Bill**: She likes to call me William to embarrass me-which it does every time. Sorry Penny, my mother is a Consultant Psychotherapist and loves putting people on edge.

**Philomena**: It is only by putting them on edge, William, that you see the fault lines.

**Bill**: Let me get you both a drink. White wine OK for both of you? (**They both nod in agreement)**

**Penny**: Consultant Psychotherapist. My mother in law does something similar. You may have come across her? Beverly Hofstadter?

**Philomena**: Beverly Hofstadter? The Wicked Witch of the West? Oh, I know that lady very well.

**Penny**: And, I'm guessing, from your response, this isn't as friends?

**Philomena: **No, it is not. She wrote a number of books about Parenting that caused all sorts of conflict with the Psychotherapy community. "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby" to name but one.

**Penny**: I think I read some of that.

**Philomena**: She based most of her data and her conclusions on one poor wretch of a child that she appeared to treat like some form of lab rat. God only knows what happened to him. If he's still alive, he'd be in his 30's. My guess is that he is either in a Home for the Criminally Insane or in San Francisco Harbour, underneath the Golden Gate, having jumped off.

**Penny**: Well, have I got a surprise for you. It's neither. I married him and he's coming here tonight.

**Philomena**: The original "Needy, Greedy Baby!" I must meet him and take notes.

**Bill arrives back with the drinks.**

**Penny**: Guess what William; your mother knows Leonard's mother, though not in a good way.

**Philomena**: How is Leonard? Is he normal? Is he able to work? Socialise with people? Dress himself?

**Penny**: (**Laughs**) He is as normal as any Physicist can be. Appalling taste in ties, shirts and films but apart from that as normal as the next man. Mind you as the next man makes Bill's character in the show look like an Angel, I'm not sure that is saying very much.

**Scene 10**

**Leonard arrives at Security, with a screeching of car brakes. The same Guard is on as before.**

**Guard:** Slow down Tiger. Oh, it's Leonard, Penny's man

**Leonard**: Hi, listen I'm late.

**Guard**: Don't worry, she told me you would be late and looking guilty and I guess she's right on both points.

**Leonard**: Am I the last here?

**Guard**: By about an hour.

**Leonard**: Was she cross?

**Guard**: I'm guessing this is not the first time it's happened so, no, not particularly. I'll ring through.

**The gate opens and Leonard drives through. He parks. As he gets out of the car, Angie comes out of the Studio and waves to him.**

**Leonard**: Hi Angie. I'm in so much trouble.

**Angie**: Don't worry. The programme doesn't start for 20 minutes, so no rush

**Leonard**: I was helping a friend out reviewing data from a deep space experiment that he was working on and the time just disappeared.

**Angie**: My Dad was a Research Scientist at Berkeley and he would disappear for days and be convinced he had only been away for an hour or two. He called it "time displacement in the lab". My mother called it reasonable grounds for a divorce!

**Leonard**: Hope Penny doesn't feel the same way.

**Angie**: Well if she does, let me know!

**Leonard laughs, thinking Angie is being funny. Angie's face suggests otherwise. They arrive at the party. Leonard sees Penny talking to Bill and an older woman and goes over to her.**

**Leonard**: Penny. I am so sorry. Raj and I were crunching data and didn't notice the time.

**Penny**: Leonard Hofstadter. You better have a better excuse than that.

**Leonard**: Actually, we were looking for signs of extra-terrestrial life.

**Penny**: Come up with a better one than that! Bill, Philomena, this is my personal geek, Leonard.

**Bill**: Hiya Leonard! (**they shake hands**)

**Philomena**: Leonard. Very pleased to meet you. I feel I've known you for a very long time.

**Leonard**: (**looks puzzled**) How come?

**Penny**: Philomena is a Consultant Psychotherapist and knows your mother.

**Leonard**: My mother? In a good way?

**Penny**: About as good as you.

**Leonard**: That bad.

**Penny**: Probably worse.

**Conrad stands up and calls for quiet**

**Conrad: **The show will start shortly, which we can watch in the editing suite. Feedback will start coming in shortly and we will get a pretty good idea if we have a hit on our hands. What I do know is that we have a great team and a great script. Let's hope that the great American public recognise this. No-one has seen it other than the audience we had on Friday night so the responses we get from our viewers will be just as valid as from any of the on-line or newspaper critics. So, if you would like to make your way through….

**Everyone starts walking through. Philomena walks alongside Leonard.**

**Philomena: **When did you manage to break free from your mother's control? Was High School a challenge for you? Was Penny the first woman you ever brought home? Did you have any homosexual desires during puberty? There are so many questions I would like to ask you. Can you come to New York? I'd pay for your flights and time.

**They sit down, the lights go dim and the TV Channel appears on screen. Angie starts a countdown from 10. When she gets to 1 the continuity announcer starts:**

**Announcer**: And now on CBS we have the first episode of a new Comedy "Beauty and the Geek" (**Everyone cheers,** **and** **the music starts**)

**Credits**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Scene 1**

**It's the night of the show and the actors, crew and friends are at the studio party. Most are watching the show still, but Conrad and Johnson are in the main room.**

**Conrad: **(**He is looking at his phone**) "Brilliantly acted" "Very funny banter between Kaley and Stephen" "Loved Kaley—she's fantastic"; "Richard and Stephen are a hoot!"

**Johnson**: (**checking his phone too**) Bill Johnson's just texted me-reckons we have a rocker and a roller-think that means he likes it.

**Conrad**: (**His phone beeps a message coming through**) Garret Martin from Paste -says he loves it. God this is better than I hoped.

**Johnson**: We must move on this. Think you need to let Daniel and the rest of the Board know how it's gone. We need to get the go-ahead for Finance and Legal to get these guys tied up asap before they realise what they might be worth!

**Conrad**: (**smiling**) That goes for us as well!

**There is the sound of clapping from the Editing suite confirming that the show has finished. Everyone starts to come back into the main room**

**Bill**: Well it looked pretty good. I got a text from my Dad saying he liked it. I wonder if he was the only one.

**Penny**: Conrad and Johnson are looking happy but that might just be for show.

**Bill**: I'm not sure; I have a strange feeling in my stomach.

**Penny**: Could be wind?

**Bill**: No, everyone is still in the room; it can't be that.

**Penny**: I've got everything crossed

**Dave, Randeep and Simon come out**

**Dave**: I hate that jumper they make me wear. It makes me look fat.

**Randeep**: Still can't believe my accent. I won't be let back into Texas or India after this. Hope it's worth it.

**Simon:** Don't worry. There is a club down on the strip which is full of desperate-for-a-break actresses who will be so pleased to see me later when we walk in and they recognise us from the show. All we need to do is mention that the Director is always looking for new blood-rather like me-and we're in.

**Randeep**: You are such a creep, Simon. I sometimes think that Werner is more of a feminist than you are.

**Richard**: Better face the music and see what the great unwashed, our public, have to say.

**Leonard comes out with Philomena. She is still talking at him.**

**Philomena**: And how did that make you feel?

**Leonard**: Well how do you think you would feel if you were 5 years old and your mother told you you'd been adopted just so she could time how long you would cry for? Weird thing was though, after I stopped crying, I started to think it wouldn't be so bad after all. That was when she told me I _was_ her child and I started crying all over again.

**Conrad**: (**taps his wine glass with a fork**) Can I have your attention everyone? (**the room goes quiet**)

**Penny**: Where's Leonard? I need to find a shoulder to cry on. (**She looks around and sees Leonard trapped by Philomena**)

**Conrad**: Let me start by saying that we have only had feedback on Twitter and on Facebook. None of the critics' reviews will be out for another hour or two. So, please don't get too carried away by what we've had so far.

**Penny**: (**talking quietly to Bill**) Please get to the point. Is it a turkey or not?

**Conrad**: Well I'm very pleased to say that we've had nearly a thousand messages already-there was more than 100 in the first fifteen minutes. (**He turns to Penny**) Most wanted to see your tattoo but that's another matter (**everyone laughs, except Leonard who looks worried**)

**Conrad**: (**continuing**) Well all of them loved it (**there is a stunned silence, then everyone starts cheering**) I've been in this business a long time and I've never seen anything like it. As I said, let's all try and stay calm. The critics might pan it and they do have clout, particularly over the advertisers, and they influence the suits upstairs. What I do know is that people in the business, whose opinion I value, have called me already to say it's good. Our twitter feed is on show on Angie's laptop on the table so have a look for yourself.

**Penny, Bill, Dave Randeep and Simon rush over to the screen. Others follow them. Leonard, Philomena and Angie are left by themselves**

**Leonard**: And then when I was six…

**At the laptop, the group are reading out the tweets coming through.**

**Penny**: "I want to marry Kaley" too late, already spoken for.

**Bill**: More's the pity.

**Simon**: "Werner reminds me of my cousin David-and he's doing time"

**Randeep**: "I think Chandra is lovely, but he needs to improve his English.

**Bill**: "Stephen is a nightmare but so funny."

**Dave**: "Richard's dress sense is so nerdy" "Richard is so uncool it's funny" "Just got to love Richard"

**Bill**: "Don't hog all the best ones, Dave. Let Penny have a look.

**Simon**: I'm always happy to let Penny have a look.

**Penny**: Do me a favour you two (**she is talking to Bill and Chandra**) ride shotgun and protect me from unwanted hands whilst I bend down and read the tweets.

**She starts reading them**

**Penny**: "Kaley is brilliant" "Great banter between Kaley and Stephen" "Laughed so much when Kaley was singing to Stephen". "Fantastic chemistry between Stephen and Kaley" "Kaley is a natural" "What else has Kaley been in?"

**She steps back from the screen.**

**Penny**: Wow. They really liked me.

**Bill**: Why so surprised.

**Penny**: I don't know. Just not expected this. Where's Leonard. Is the still being interrogated by your mother?

**Bill**: Listen I'm sorry about that. She is always working even when she's not.

**They go over to where Philomena and Leonard are still talking.**

**Philomena**: And where was your father when all this was going on?

**Leonard**: Well he left home—or ran away as he called it-for the first time in…

**Bill**: Mother, this is meant to be a party to celebrate the show. Please let Leonard go! (**he turns to Leonard**) Sorry about that. It's one of the main reasons I don't bring girlfriends home. The last one left the house screaming.

**Philomena**: Don't listen to him. It's all in his overactive imagination.

**Leonard**: That's OK. It made a lot of sense. So, is it good? Is it going to be a picked up? Do the viewers like it?

**Penny**: Did you not hear the tweets we've received. Everyone so far has loved it. They loved Bill, they loved Richard, they loved the jokes and…..

**Bill**: Most importantly, they loved Penny-and not just her tattoo!

**Leonard**: Penny, that is fantastic. It really is fantastic. So, what happens next?

**Bill**: The plan is for two more shows, but I think they will want to extend it to a full series of eight. We're going to be busy and tied to this for the next six months I reckon.

**Penny**: Is there anything that might stop it?

**Bill**: If the critics such as Mike Hale and Margaret Lyons at the NYT pan it, then it could make a difference. But if they like it….

**Penny**: I think this calls for a large drink of something bubbly. Leonard, I intend to celebrate and you, sweetie, are carrying me home tonight.

**Scene 2**

**Leonard is helping Penny up the stairs at the apartment after the party. Penny is talking non-stop.**

**Penny**: They kept saying I was brilliant. That critic from the Amazon said I was a natural. People wanted to know other things I was in.

**Penny is weaving a little as she goes up the stairs. Leonard is helping her, trying to stop her falling.**

**Leonard**: I know, I know. You're going to be a star. (**they get to the door of the apartment. Leonard props** **Penny up against the wall whilst he finds the key. She slips down the wall**) Careful!

**He picks her up and they go into the apartment**.

**Leonard**: I think a glass of water might be in order. (**He goes to the kitchen. Penny sits down on the sofa**)

**Leonard**: Remember, Conrad has said that tomorrow is free so you can sleep in. (**He walks over to the sofa. He realises that Penny is crying**) Penny. What's wrong? Why are you crying? Isn't this your dream come true?

**Penny: (She looks up at him and smiles) **I know. That's why I'm crying. I've dreamt about this moment all my life and now it's happening I don't know what to do. So, I decided to cry.

**Leonard**: (**He leans forward and kisses her**) That's my Penny!

**Penny**: I'm so glad that you're with me. (**She leans forward to kiss him then suddenly stops**) Excuse me (**she rushes off to the bathroom and is sick)**

**Leonard**: Ahhhh. The glamour of Hollywood!

**Scene 3**

**It is the following day. Penny is still in bed. She has a hangover. Leonard is getting breakfast ready.**

**Penny**: Why does my brain hurt so much?

**Leonard**: I could give you a short summary complete with whiteboard review of the effect of alcohol on the frontal lobe but somehow I think it might be wasted-which is exactly what you were last night.

**Penny**: I did seem to drink a fair amount. Was I embarrassing?

**Leonard**: No, lively, vivacious, amusing but not embarrassing. You saved that for when you got home.

**Penny**: I need a coffee.

**Leonard**: Coming up.

**He leaves the room. Penny reaches for her phone. She stares at it for a second.**

**Penny**: 57 messages! (**She starts to look though them**) Dad-"You were fantastic"; Amy "Brilliant Bestie"; Zack "You're a star dude". (**She puts the phone down**). I didn't dream it-unless I'm still dreaming it now? (**She pinches herself**) Nope, that hurt, must be awake. (**She feels her head**). No-one could dream a hangover like this.

**Leonard**: Here's the coffee. Do you want me to make some scrambled eggs?

**Penny**: Only if you want to see what I had to eat last night.

**Leonard**: Let's stick to coffee for the time being. I will go into the lab a little bit later today. Make sure my star has her every need looked after.

**Penny**: See if you can arrange a brain transplant for starters.

**Scene 4**

**At Bernadette's office. Bernie is on the phone to Howard.**

**Bernie: **So, it was Chicken Pox. I thought that "possessed by a devil" was unlikely but I'm glad it wasn't that.

**Howard**: The projectile vomiting made it likely combined with the contorted face and an objection to bright lights.

**Bernie**: I had it years ago so I should be fine. What about you?

**Howard**: I can't remember and with no mother to remember for me I shall just have to risk it. At least it's not mumps.

**Bernie**: So, what's the treatment?

**Howard**: Apparently, I'm to apply a gallon of Camomile lotion twice a day with an industrial roller until the itching stops. Plus pain relief and a pair of boxing gloves.

**Bernie**: Boxing gloves?

**Howard**: To stop her scratching. I thought my old ones might have worked but they're too big.

**Bernie**: When were you into boxing?

**Howard**: I wasn't; my Aunty bought me a pair for my Bar mitzvah-for wearing at night!

**Bernie**: Very funny. I won't be late tonight so do your best today.

**Howard**: I will. I almost forgot; Raj called this morning. He said Penny's show was great; he almost didn't recognise it from what we saw. Also, Leonard called him and said that it had great reviews. Isn't that fantastic?

**Dave enters the office**

**Bernie: **Sorry Howie, I've got to go. (**Bernie shuts phone**) Hiya Dave.

**Dave**: Did you see Penny and tell her how it is?

**Bernie**: Yes, I did do your dirty work for you.

**Dave**: (**ignoring the sarcasm**) Did she take it OK?

**Bernie**: As well as any one would do who was just about to be sacked, potentially with no pay.

**Dave**: Well not without pay. If she signs the letter, she'll get a pay off based on her salary. 1-3 months depending how I'm feeling. That could be $15k.

**Bernie**: And if she doesn't?

**Dave**: Zippo.

**Bernie**: What happens if she threatens to sue the Medics and then sue us for wrongful dismissal and knowingly endangering her?

**Dave**: Are you kidding? What person is going to take on a company of our size? She'd never work in the industry again.

**Bernie**: Maybe someone who had nothing to lose. I'm just saying that she may not want to play ball with you. I think you might need a back-up plan.

**Dave**: No back up plan. It's my way or the highway-without any money for gas. Find out what time she is going to be in. (**He leaves the office**)

**Bernie**: (**to herself**) Think you might regret that!

**Scene 5**

**It's later that morning. Penny is lying on the sofa reading reviews on her phone**

**Penny: **Margaret Lyon, NYT. "Kaley was played brilliantly—a real rising rising star!" Rising star? Me? This is almost too good to be true. (**she pinches herself again**) Nope, still awake.

**Her phone rings**. **She answers it.**

**Penny**: Hi Penny here.

**Angie**: (**very excited**) Penny! Have you seen the reviews? They're brilliant. Conrad and Johnson reckon that this is the best they've ever seen for a new comedy. Conrad says this pilot got better reviews than even the "Friends" pilot did.

**Penny**: It's crazy—but in a good way. I don't know where I am.

**Angie**: That's one reason for the call. Conrad wants you to come down this afternoon. The suits are putting together contracts for you to sign for the planned shows. I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are looking at two series with eight shows in each!

**Penny**: What time do they want me?

**Angie**: Conrad said 2.30 would be fine. He is arranging for your agent to be there as well.

**Penny**: I better put on something smart.

**Angie**: Leonard must be so proud of you.

**Penny**: Kind of. He's not really sure what to make of it. Think he might be more relaxed with me doing a normal job!

**Angie**: That's a shame. He seemed really nice.

**Penny**: Oh, he is, but just a bit naive about matters to do with show biz. Anyway, I'll see you later. **She puts the phone down**. "Seemed really nice"? Leonard Hofstadter: have you been fluttering your eye lids again!

**As she gets up to go to the bedroom, the phone rings again. It is Bernie. Penny thinks about not answering it but then does.**

**Penny**: Hi Bernie.

**Bernie**: Penny. We heard from Raj that it went really well last night.

**Penny**: (**looks surprised**) Heard? Didn't you see it?

**Bernie**: Halley has got Chicken Pox and we had a nightmare with her last night. Coming out of both ends it was-horrible. We'll watch the show on-line later.

**Penny**: Understand. Yes, it's had great reviews.

**Bernie**: Sorry to ring at this time but Dave insists that you come in today and get things sorted.

**Penny**: I can't really. I have a meeting up at the Studio at 2.30 and that trumps everything.

**Bernie**: Couldn't you come in before then-just for ten minutes or so. Think Dave might take it out on me if you don't.

**Penny**: (**thinks for a minute**) I can't do it before. It will have to be afterwards, say 6.00 ish. I might look forward to it. Does he know about my show?

**Bernie**: Not a clue. I think I might disappear this PM and just leave him to deal with you.

**Penny**: Promise I won't damage him

**Bernie**: Go to it girl!

**Scene 6**

**Leonard is visiting Amy in her lab. He is feeling depressed as only Leonard can do.**

**Amy: **Hi Leonard; this is a surprise. What brings you here to the Rat Torture Chamber?

**Leonard**: I needed to talk to someone who won't be judgemental or tell me pull myself together and man-up. I want someone who will listen to me.

**Amy**: And you came to me. Now I'm an agony aunt and a married one too. My life is perfect. I haven't a couch, Leonard, but pull up a chair and tell your Aunty Amy all your woes. Is it erectile problems? No, not married to Penny. Feelings of inferiority? Who wouldn't be with Sheldon at work and Penny at home?

**Leonard**: Well it's not the first but, in some ways, it is the second.

**Amy**: In what way.

**Leonard**: It's the whole Penny and show biz and stardom business. I don't know what to feel or how to react.

**Amy**: But you've known Penny for years. In all that time the one thing she has wanted to be is an actress that was loved and respected.

**Leonard**: (**looking even more down**) I know, I know. This is all she has ever wanted to be and now it looks like it's going to happen for her.

**Amy**: And you don't know how to react or feel? Can't you just be pleased for her?

**Leonard**: I am, I am, I am (**Leonard's "I am's" get gradually weaker**) but I'm frightened

**Amy**: (**Looks puzzled**) Why are you frightened? It's Penny that is opening herself up for critical review and possible failure. What have you got to be frightened of?

**Leonard**: Where it might end?

**Amy**: What do you mean? If the show is a failure?

**Leonard**: No, the opposite-if it is a success.

**Amy**: Well what's frightening about that?

**Leonard**: What if it is a fantastic success and Penny becomes a house-hold name and everyone loves her, and everyone wants to be with her and invite her to parties and puts her in big movies with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. And then she meets all these smart, tall, sexy men what is she going to think of me?

**Amy**: Your worried that if Penny is successful, she won't want to be with you anymore? Would you rather she wasn't successful?

**Leonard**: Well no, but maybe not too successful.

**Amy**: (**Looks indignant**) You want Penny to be a failure, so she stays with you? For God's sake Leonard, you call yourself a loving husband? Pull yourself together and man-up!

**Interval**

**Scene 7**

**At the Studio. Marcia, Penny's agent is there with Penny. They are discussing matters before going into see Conrad.**

**Marcia**: This is it then. The big leap forward.

**Penny**: I know. Bet you never thought you would see me in this position?

**Marcia**: To be honest, no. You were out here from Nebraska trying to be the same as all the other bright-and-blue eyed blond girls trying to be a star. I didn't think you were any different or more special. I thought you could earn a living but never be a star.

**Penny**: (**laughs**) That made two of us.

**Marcia**: So, let's think about this. I have no idea what they are going to offer you or for how long. My advice would always be to go for length of contract over initial pay.

**Penny**: How would it work?

**Marcia**: They'll offer you a contract to be in the show for one maybe two series. They may put a price in for one or two series, probably with a clause allowing you to negotiate an increase for the second series if the first one goes really well. All the feedback so far about the first episode is that people loved it. That will see you through the first series. If they haven't included a pay increase clause for future series, I will make sure it's there.

**Penny**: Wow, you do know what you're doing! I thought all you did was to try and get me parts.

**Marcia**: I'm going to take a fair proportion of your pay so I'm doing it for me as well as you.

**Penny**: Point taken.

**The door opens. Bill walks out with his agent. They are both smiling. Bill winks at Penny.**

**Penny**: They looked happy.

**Marcia**: If I'm not mistaken, they were the smiles of two people who have suddenly come into a lot of money. Let's make sure we have similar smiles when we come out.

**Penny**: I've brushed my teeth specially.

**Conrad opens the door.**

**Conrad**: Hi Penny, and it's Marcia isn't it. We've not met but I'm glad you found Penny for us!

**Marcia**: When Craig called me about the part, I knew there was only one person for the part of Kaley, and that was my Penny.

**Penny**: **(to herself**) I feel like I've been nominated for best in breed in a dog show!

**Conrad**: Come on through and take a seat.

**Inside the room are two stony-faced men. Both are wearing blue suits and white shirts with ties. **

**Penny**: (**to Marcia**) Is the FBI involved in the negotiations?

**Marcia**: It's Legal and Finance-Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Leave them to me. **She walks over to the two men**. Gentlemen, good to meet you. I'm guessing this is the contract? **She points to a document on the table**.

**Legal**: (**looking at Marcia**) Are you the Agent?

**Finance: (pointing to Penny) **Is this Ms Hofstatder?

**Marcia**: No flies on you two! Both correct

**Legal**: It is the contract. We would like you to review it with Ms Hofstadter and then either sign it or raise any points you wish to discuss. I need to advise you that you are not allowed to discuss this contract with anyone else either within the show or outside of the show.

**Finance**: The figures in the document are valid only for one day. If the contract is not signed today then the Studio reserves the right to alter them without any comeback from either you, the agent (**he points at Marcia**) or you, the player (**he points at Penny**)

**Conrad**: Don't worry about the boys, Penny. It is in their nature to make you feel that you are in a fight where someone is going to die, and they don't want it to be them. They are nice really.

**Penny**: I'll take your word for it.

**Conrad**: Why don't you take the two copies, sit over there and discuss them. We'll leave you to it.

**Marcia**: That's fine. (**She picks them up and she and Penny walk over to the chairs the other side of the room. The others leave**)

**Marcia**: Most of these contracts are standard stuff. You know, "Got to turn up on time for rehearsals"; "must agree to do any PR work that they decide is needed to boost the show"; "no giving away the plot lines unless asked"; and "not doing anything that might bring cause embarrassment to the Studio". The bits that differ are how many series they want you to commit too, how much they pay you and whether there is a pay review after the first series.

**Penny**: OK, so where do we start?

**Marcia**: Where else? How much are they gonna pay you! Minus the 10% that goes to me (**she laughs**)

**Penny**: OK (**she picks up her copy of the contract**) Where is it?

**Marcia**: (**she flicks through the contract then stops at a page near the back**) Wow; Wow and triple Wow.

**Penny**: (**turning her pages until she finds the right page**) Wow. That is a lot. Is it? Is that what they are going to pay me for the first series.

**Marcia**: (**she laughs**) No!

**Penny**: Both series?

**Marcia**: Penny, my little lost lamb-that is what they are going to pay you for each and every episode.

**Penny**: (**she drops the contract and looks stunned**) Each episode? And how many are there?

**Marcia**: There are eight my little star-and another 8 that they want you to commit to, provided the ratings stay good.

**Penny**: But that adds up to (**she thinks for a second**) a lot of money.

**Marcia**: You bet your sweet bippy it is! Buy a lot of shoes with that sort of money, Penny.

**Penny**: Wow, Wow and triple Wow!

**Marcia**: Let's spin through the other key points. Eight further shows to the Pilot-to which they have agreed to pay you the same amount for. Review of pay rate at the end of first series. Studio wants you to sign an option for two further series if a second is agreed. Penny, this is unbelievable. I know that the reviews have been good, but it looks as though the suits have decided that this is going to be this Studios "Friends" - and you, my young lady are a critical factor in that journey, and they need you on board and tied to them.

**Penny**: And that's a good thing?

**Marcia**: Depending on whether you want to be a star and filthy rich or not? That's a rhetorical question by the way. So, what have you got to say?

**Penny**: (**looking worried**) I wonder what Leonard will say?

**Marcia**: He will be delighted. His wife has just got herself a ticket on the gravy train to Money Town. What's there not to like?

**Scene 8**

**Leonard is with Sheldon at the University. **

**Leonard**: I need that brilliant mind of yours to do some Critical Path Evaluation.

**Sheldon**: You want me to predict the future? That's what I like to do Leonard. What are we talking about here? Apocalyptic meteor events? Upgraded CERN creates a Black Hole? Both about the same probability-1 in 10 million.

**Leonard**: No, nothing so mundane. I want you to predict my future with Penny now that she's likely to become a star.

**Sheldon**: So, what you are saying is that the end of civilisation as we know it is mundane compared to your relationship with Penny?

**Leonard**: The end of my civilisation matters more to me than the end of everyone else's. That about sums it up.

**Sheldon**: OK (**he takes out his white board marker and stands by the board**) Give me the variables and let me see if I can put together a linear polynomial algorithm to explain the problem and calculate a probability.

**Leonard**: OK. Firstly, there is Penny and Me; our backgrounds, the strength of our relationship. Secondly, there is her impending stardom. Thirdly, there are the number of good-looking men that she will encounter in the next few years. Fourthly, there is the time we will spend apart in that time. What can you do with those?

**Sheldon**: (**He starts doing computations on the board**). Hmmm. You and Penny. Is the attraction co-efficient an average of all the time you've known each other or just the period since coitus? There is an inverse square relationship based on distance apart, adding the number of actors and Directors under 35 that Penny would want to have coitus with, ….

**Leonard**: Surely, that's zero?

**Sheldon**: In what universe is that zero? Don't interrupt. (**he spends a further five minutes writing, rubbing out and writing some more on the board**. **Finally, he writes 42 and puts a circle around it**.

**Leonard**: 42?

**Sheldon**: Well 41.87354 but 42 is good enough for your needs. Based on my knowledge of Penny, You, the Film industry in general and the other factors we discussed, my answer to your problem is 42.

**Leonard**: There is a 42% chance that Penny will leave me?

**Sheldon**: No, there is a 42% chance she won't. There is a 58% chance she'll leave you.

**Leonard**: But, but, but that can't be true. Can it?

**Sheldon**: Math doesn't lie Leonard.

**Leonard**: And if she didn't take up the role?

**Sheldon**: If you asked her not to take up her dream role of being an actress in a starring role in a hit show. Well that would make a significant difference to the probability of her leaving you.

**Leonard**: **(looking happier**) It would? What would it change to?

**Sheldon**: Then it would go up from 58% to 100%. Basically, one is the lesser of two evils.

**Leonard**: Looks like I'm damned if she does and really damned if she doesn't?

**Sheldon**: Couldn't have put it better myself.

**Scene 9**

**Penny and Marcia are back in with Conrad and the suits.**

**Conrad**: So, everything is fine with the contract?

**Marcia**: I need to know a few more details of how you measure first series success but, other than that, it seems fine.

**Conrad**: And you Penny. Are you looking forward to being a star?

**Penny**: I guess so.

**Conrad**: (**Looking surprised**) You only guess so?

**Penny**: It's not that. It has come a little quickly to me so if I appear a bit unsure of myself, that's all it is.

**Conrad**: (**looks more relaxed**) Oh I'm sure you'll get used to it. Basically, you'll be working flat out for the next 6 months so you won't have any time to think about it.

**Penny**: (**thinking for a bit**). I know. I'll need to make sure Leonard is Ok with that.

**Conrad**: Leonard? Who's Leonard?

**Penny**: He's my husband.

**Conrad**: (**looking worried**) I didn't know you were married. He's not one of those old-fashioned chauvinists who wants the little wife to be at home making his meals and bearing his children is he?

**Penny**: (**smiles**) No, he's not like that. He is very sweet. I'm sure he'll be fine about it.

**Conrad**: (**looking worried again**) Well you need to get him sorted. I don't want you suddenly pulling out four weeks in because Leonard's upset that his meal's not on the table at 6.00 every night.

**Penny**: He really is not like that. I'll talk to him tonight. He will be fine.

**Conrad**: Good. Now, last thing. Are there other things we need to know about your life at present. Anything that might make the newspapers? Any scandal?

**Marcia**: Penny's life is pretty normal, Conrad. I'm sure there is nothing scandalous going on.

**Penny**: I've just got to finish with my current job.

**Conrad**: Will there be any issues there in you finishing straight away?

**Penny**: No, I don't think so.

**Scene 10**

**Penny is in her car. She is calling Leonard.**

**Leonard**: Hiya. How's things?

**Penny**: Good, in fact really good. They've offered me a contract for one series with a firm option for a second series and an optional option for two more series.

**Leonard**: (**trying to sound sincere**) Wow, that sounds fantastic! What is an optional option by the way?

**Penny**: Well that's not what they call it. Basically, I'm signed up for two series but, if the first one bombs and they cancel it, then they still pay me most of what I'm meant to earn for the second. That's the firm option. If we do the second one then they can tie me to a third and fourth series if they want to-but if they decide not to then I don't get anything.

**Leonard**: (**sounding better**) So, you may only do one series?

**Penny**: (**sounding surprised**) No, Bill reckons it is a sure thing that we'll do two at least.

**Leonard**: (**sounds worse again**) Bill's pretty confident, is he?

**Penny**: He's more experienced than me in these things-not difficult for him not to be, really.

**Leonard**: Sounds good. So, what are they going to pay you?

**Penny**: (**embarrassed**) Let's talk about it tonight. I've got to go and visit the old job now and sort that mess out.

**Leonard**: Will Bernie be there?

**Penny**: No, she's going to leave me to it. She's not told them what's happening with the acting, so I think I'll hold that back as a surprise.

**Leonard**: What time will you be home?

**Penny**: I reckon around 7.00. Can we go eat at the Cheesecake Factory? I'd like to call in and see them to let them know what's happened.

**Leonard**: Sure. That'll be good.

**Penny puts the phone down and drives off.**

**Penny**: (**talking to herself**) I could buy myself a new car now and repay Leonard the money he paid out for this one. I wouldn't mind one like Bill's. I fancy the idea of driving with the top down in the summer.

**Scene 11**

**Penny arrives at her old offices. She walks into the reception area.**

**Receptionist**: Hiya Penny. Haven't seen you for a while. Late meeting with Dave?

**Penny**: Something like that. Do you know where he is?

**Receptionist**: He was in with Legal twenty minutes ago. Not sure if he's still there. Let me call his mobile.

**She rings and Dave answers.**

**Receptionist**: Hi Dave. Penny's here in reception. Shall I send her through to you? **Penny can hear** **Dave talking but not what he's saying**. No, OK I'll get her to stay here until you collect her. (**She turns to Penny looking a bit surprised)** Sorry, Penny. He wants you to stay here and says he'll collect you shortly.

**Penny**: That's OK. I'll wait.

**Penny is aware the Receptionist is staring at her**

**Receptionist**: You know what Penny, it's weird but I was watching a new comedy programme last night and there was an actress who looked the spitting image of you. A lot younger mind, but, apart from that, almost identical.

**Penny**: Imagine that. Me as an actress?

**Receptionist**: (**Laughs**) I know.

**Penny sits down and picks up a magazine. It is all about pharmacology. She glances at it and then puts it down again.**

**Penny**: (**to herself**) Don't think I'll need to worry about this sort of thing again.

**She takes out her phone and starts texting. After she finishes, she looks at her watch. She goes back on her phone and sends another text. She finishes and looks at her watch again.**

**Penny**: (**to herself**) I think someone's keeping me waiting to make a point. I'll give him two more minutes.

**She waits two minutes and then stands up. As she starts to leave, Dave comes through the door.**

**Dave**: Sorry about the delay, Penny. There was something I needed to clear up. Come this way. **He turns and heads back through the door.**

**Penny**: (**to herself**) I'm sure there was. **She follows him.**

**They walk through to Dave's office. In there already is a man in a suit and tie. He reminds Penny of the Legal man in Conrad's office.**

**Dave**: Penny, take a seat. This is Mike Johansson from Legal. He is going to sit in with this to make sure everything is sorted out correctly.

**Penny**: (**looking relaxed**) I'm sure everything will be fine.

**Dave**: You know me, Penny. I'm not one to beat around the bush. I like to say it straight and how it is.

**Penny**: That's fine by me too.

**Dave**: This is it. Your attack on those two Doctors is behaviour we cannot accept, Penny, so I'm afraid we going to have to let you go. However, if you are prepared to sign this statement (**Mike from Legal hands over a document**) then we will see if we can smooth your departure with some pay in lieu of notice plus some form of reference.

**He hands the document to Penny. She leans forward and reads the first three pages quickly.**

**Penny**: You mean my reasonable response to being sexually assaulted by those two jerks is now presented as them being friendly and me choosing to overreact and, without any justifiable reason, attack them. But, if I sign this "admission of guilt" (**she waves the contract at Dave**) then you'll pay me off with one lousy month's notice and a reference. And if I don't, you'll dismiss me with no notice and no reference.

**Mike**: That's the front and back of it.

**Penny**: This is how your company responds when one of its staff is assaulted?

**Dave**: Now then Penny. They reckon it was just a little high jinks and locker room banter that you misinterpreted.

**Mike**: That is a serious accusation your making, Ms Hofstadter. I trust you have some evidence to back it up.

**Penny**: Let's just say, I reckon if it gets out that these two creeps are up for assaulting me, they'll be a lot of other women coming forward saying something similar.

**Dave**: You can't possibly know that, Penny.

**Penny**: The reception staff at the practice were taking bets on how long I'd last. Does that sound like a one-off problem?

**Mike**: Well, do you think you can take the risk? If you try and press a case against those two respectable men, I don't think you'll never get another job in this industry again.

**Penny**: That sounds like you're threatening me.

**Mike**: I don't know what you mean, and, if you try and use that against me in a court of law, we will sue you.

**Dave**: Let's calm this down a bit can we?

**Penny**: (**turning to Dave**) I also like being straight and to the point. This (**she holds up the "admission of guilt" statement**) is a lot of bull and I would never sign it. You have two options. You can do another letter whereby you pay me off with three months' notice period, saying that I left by mutual agreement, or else I shall walk out with this letter and you will have to wait and see if I decide to take things further.

**Dave**: But you'll never work again as a Rep.

**Penny**: Do you know what Dave? Frankly I don't give a damn! You can take your job and stick it where the sun don't shine, all the way to Nebraska.

**Penny gets up, picks up the document, and walks out. Dave and Mike are left speechless with their mouths open. She walks back into the reception area.**

**Receptionist: **You really do look like that actress. And I googled it, she's called Penny as well.

**Penny: **I'll let you in on a secret. She's my kid sister, and she's called Penny too. **(She leaves the room)**

**Receptionist: **Fancy someone calling both their daughters by the same name?

**Scene 12**

**Penny comes back into the apartment. Leonard is there. He has a bunch of flowers behind his back**

**Penny**: Hiya baby. Sorry I'm late.

**Leonard**: That's OK. (**He shifts around so Penny can't see behind his back**)

**Penny**: (**She moves towards him**) Leonard Hofstadter; are you hiding something from me, or do I need to tickle you to find out?

**Leonard**: (**he brings the flowers out before Penny can get to him**) This is to say how much I love you and how pleased I am that you have finally made it as an actress.

**Leonard stands there with his arm extended with the flowers in front **

**Penny**: Baby, that's lovely. (**She looks him in eyes**) Leonard, I know you're a bit scared of what's happening, but, guess what, so am I.

**Leonard**: Your scared? Why?

**Penny**: Because when I was an aspiring actress working as a waitress or an aspiring actress working as a sales rep-well it was a bit like your favourite cat.

**Leonard**: Cat?

**Penny**: You know the one; maybe it's dead, maybe it isn't.

**Leonard**: Schrodinger's Cat?

**Penny: **That's the one. Before two weeks ago, I was both an actress and I wasn't one. I could pretend that, if only I had a break, then I could really show them what I could do. Even over the last year or so, doing the selling job, I would be day dreaming driving between appointments about acting. But that was all I was doing. Dreaming.

**Leonard**: And now?

**Penny: **Well, I'm no longer dreaming—although I wake up most mornings thinking it is just a dream. I've got welts on my arms I've pinched myself so often.

**Leonard**: And now?

**Penny**: I've got my break. Now, everyone thinks I'm good, the show is great, we're all going to be stars. But it might all go wrong. At which point I will have been someone who had her break and then blew it. So, it may seem frightening to you, but it also is to me.

**Leonard: (He looks longingly at Penny, then starts pulling a face) **Can you take the flowers; my arms hurting?

**Penny**: Thanks sweetie. (**She takes the flowers and kisses him**) How about that meal?

**Leonard**: Ok. I've booked a table for 8.00.

**Scene 13**

**Leonard and Penny arrive at the Cheesecake Factory and walk into the reception area. The staff have been waiting and all start clapping and cheering**

**Penny: (looking stunned) **What?

**1****st**** Waitress**: Penny! You've done it.

**2****nd**** Waitress**: My star.

**3****rd**** Waitress**: My role model.

**Penny**: (**looking embarrassed**) Thanks guys.

**Barman**: (**Laughing**) So that job you were asking about. Still interested?

**Penny**: You know what, I think I'll pass on that for the moment.

**Manager**: This one's on the house, we've got your usual table.

**He shows them over.**

**Leonard**: Why is it that we get a free meal from this place when we no longer need it! (**He looks at Penny**) They are paying you for this part?

**Penny**: Oh boy, are they paying me or what. More than either of us could imagine.

**Credits**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Scene 1**

**Penny is in the flat alone. She is having breakfast but is not yet dressed. She is on the Internet on her phone.**

**Penny: **"Show goes from strength to strength"; 3rd show even funnier than first two—and they were hilarious" "Kaley and Stephen are like watching Mae West and WC Fields all over again" (**She puts her phone down**) Well, I guess that last one is a compliment-I'll get Dad to ask Great Aunt Mary if it is? She's 93 next birthday and might remember them.

**She picks up her phone again and calls her father**

**Penny: **Dad? Did you see the latest reviews?

**Wyatt**: See them? I bought all the national papers I could get this morning and your mother has already cut out the reviews and put them in an album she's got specially.

**Penny**: That's sweet. Did you know what the one meant about Mae West and WC Fields? Went over my head.

**Wyatt**: No, but I know a woman who might. I'm going to call in the home later to see Aunt Mary. One of the old dears there is bound to get the context.

**Penny**: Still seem weird seeing your little girl on TV?

**Wyatt**: (**smiling**) Nice weird; very nice weird. By the way, I need to warn you; Randell was going on to your mother last night how there was a scheme whereby he could help you invest any money you make, and you won't pay any taxes on it. She did tell him that one of her offspring with a criminal record was bad enough and she had no desire to see that doubled, but you know how he gets.

**Penny**: Don't worry Dad. I'll make sure he gets a better birthday present this year but that's all. I'll leave all the financial plans to the professionals. Anyway, must go. Love to Mum.

**Wyatt**: Love to you and Leonard. By the way, how is he coping with you being a star? And, I'm guessing, earning a lot more than he is?

**Penny**: Oh, you know Leonard. Things like that don't bother him.

**Wyatt**: Well, you know him. Just take it from one old school unreformed man like me. Being out earnt by your wife can put a dent in the ol' male ego.

**Penny**: Ok Dad, no more lectures. I'll watch out for any signs of Leonard's masculinity feeling under attack. (**She puts the phone down**) Leonard is not like that. Male superiority and all that crap. Talking about money, I wonder if the first two shows have been paid yet?

**She picks up her phone again and goes on-line to her bank account.**

**Penny**: Holy Crap. There it is. My earnings from the first two shows. I better talk to Maria about how I manage all this. My annual tax return normally sees the tax office organising a whip round for me. But before I get too sensible, how about blowing some if it on something frivolous. Such as a new car. Bill can help me chose one and then I can pay back that money Leonard spent on my current one.

**Scene 2**

**In the canteen at work. Howard, Raj, Leonard and Sheldon are having lunch. They are discussing last night's show.**

**Howard**: I don't care if you think he's funny. I still think he's a creep

**Raj**: How can you say that? He sounds just like you.

**Howard**: He does not! When have you ever heard me say things like he said last night about the waitress he was chatting up?

**Raj**: All the time before you met Bernie. Only his lines were funnier than yours.

**Howard**: Well Chandra still makes me laugh the most. (**Howard shrugs his shoulders and does his "Indian" imitation**) "That was exceedingly funny"

**Raj**: But, Dude, that's ALL he seems to say. He's meant to be an Experimental Physicist but never seems to do anything.

**Leonard**: Penny says that his part is being developed but for the time being he's just the funny foreigner with a funny accent. I'm still rooting for Richard and Kaley.

**Howard**: I just can't see it happening. What has an aspiring actress got in common with an introverted intellectual.

**Leonard**: The same thing that Penny has for me. Sometimes there is more to life than brawn.

**Sheldon**: And as someone with so little brawn, Leonard, you must be eternally grateful for that. Anyway, it seems to be Werner that is getting all the love interest. I make that two young grad students he's got running after him and we're only three shows in.

**Howard**: The only way that he is got either of them interested in him is by suggesting he could get them a place on a new project that he is involved with. Their both desperate to get onto it so they can use it for their Doctorate studies. Werner is using that desperation to get them into his bed. What a creep!

**Raj**: Are you sure, Howard, you're not a teeny bit jealous that your Doppelganger has come up with a ruse that you didn't think of? But of course, how could you get someone onto a Doctoral programme when you haven't got one yourself?

**Howard**: I have an MSc from MIT which is just as good. Werner is a creep and nothing like me.

**Sheldon**: There was one bit I didn't understand last night, and Amy wouldn't explain it to me.

**Howard**: Well it can't be what Werner wanted to do with the waitress; that was pretty obvious.

**Sheldon**: No, it was to do with Stephen. Why were the others making fun of his dress sense? It seemed perfectly normal to me. And then Werner made a joke about one of the new grad students, how similar he was to Stephen, but he didn't look anything like him.

**Leonard**: The one that was a little effeminate.

**Sheldon**: I just thought he was sensitive that's all. The audience seemed to think it hilarious, but I didn't see what was funny.

**Leonard**: Maybe it will become more obvious later. You'll have to discuss it with him-which reminds me. There is a party after the show this week as it moves from a pilot to a full-blown series. Penny says she can invite up to six guests and you'll get a chance to meet the rest of the cast.

**Howard**: I'll see if Bernie wants to come. Halley is just about back to normal now, but I don't know how Bernie feels towards Penny. She got a lot of stick from her boss and the CEO about the way Penny left. Now that they know about Penny's new job, they feel she strung them along and could still make life difficult for them. So, they shout at Bernie, and then Bernie shouts at me.

**Leonard**: I think it would good if she did some along. Help mend any fences broken. The guys will be coming straight from the show so they will still be in costume therefore we can dress normally and see if the rest of the party can tell the difference!

**Raj**: Has Penny told everyone about her real-life nerds?

**Leonard**: She has let on that her knowledge of geekdom comes from the friends she keeps.

**Sheldon**: Well, I for one will be interested to trade intellectual blows with Stephen.

**Howard**: He's an actor, Sheldon. Mind you he might be able to explain what's funny about Stephen and the grad student.

**Leonard**: Oh no, let's save that for a later episode of the show. We can ask Amy to video Sheldon's reaction.

**Scene 3**

**The actors are on set and have just finished working through a scene and are having a tea break.**

**Simon**: Who is on for blowing their first pay packet on something very expensive and utterly frivolous?

**Randeep**: I have promised my parents that I will take them out to an extremely expensive restaurant in town that, I hope, will in some way provide compensation for their expensively educated, all American boy being paid a lot of money for imitating Peter Sellers imitating an Indian.

**Penny**: Peter Sellers?

**Bill**: Another one to talk to your Dad or Grandad about. Long before it became insensitive for a white man to "black up", Sellers played an Indian doctor who falls in love with Sophie Loren.

**Penny**: That sort of thing used to go on then?

**Bill**: I think the view was that it was funny having a white man talking like an Asian doing all the funny speech. Now they have the real McCoy doing it instead.

**Randeep**: I'll have you know that I spent a week watching old films to get the accent right.

**Penny**: Well, I have someone coming on Friday who is dying to meet you. A real-life Indian Astronomer. I reckon you can get a wealth of ideas to add to Chandra from him.

**Bill**: (**Turning to Penny**) Back to Simon's point. What is it? Shoes? Handbags? Or a slinky little black number?

**Penny**: Something a little bit more mobile than that. I've never had a new car and all the cars I had required me to say a few "Hail Mary's" before I switched the engine on. Leonard bought me the current one and it's OK, but I'd like to get something to replace it to show everyone that things are going well. That way I can give him his money back.

**Bill**: And do we have a set of wheels in mind?

**Penny**: (**Smiling**) Something like the one that you drive would be a hoot.

**Dave**: I don't know how you can. The only time I travelled in a cabriolet my hair looked as though I'd spent two days watching horror films. And my face was sandblasted.

**Bill**: You don't know what you're missing. So, how about you Dave. What's your vice of choice?

**Dave**: Well, between you and me, there is a young man who needs a lot of spoiling before he will let me past first base, so I intend to take him off to Vegas the first chance we get for a particularly filthy weekend.

**Simon**: Strange as it might seem to you all, but that is exactly what I have in mind-different gender mind, but exactly the same result.

**Penny**: Why am I not surprised! (**turning to Bill)** What about you then? What are you going to do with this the first of, what we all hope, is a lot of ill-gotten gains?

**Bill**: Promise you won't laugh if I tell you?

**Penny**: I, for one, won't.

**Dave**: Nor me

**Randeep**: Or me

**Simon**: Cross my heart and hope to die in a valley full of snakes if I do!

**Bill**: When I first got out here, with a limited CV and limited confidence, I spent a long time earning little and spending lots. My Granma, or Meemar as I always called her, sent me $5000 to get me through and, although I paid her back with my earnings from the first three slasher movies I did, I thought it would be nice to treat her and her sister to a Caribbean cruise.

**Penny**: You'll have me in tears if you're not careful. You sound like one of the contestants on Miss World!

**Dave**: Well I for one think that is a wonderful thing to do.

**Randeep**: Perhaps you have given me an idea too.

**Simon**: Each to their own, as my Yiddisher Mother used to say.

**Bill**: I will also blow a chunk on a new wardrobe. Need any help finding a car?

**Penny**: Thought you'd never ask!

**Scene 4**

**Bernie is in the CEO's office. Dave the Sales Director is there as well. The CEO, Justin, is running the meeting.**

**Justin: **Dave, for all our benefits, can you summarise the current position?

**Dave**: Since Bernadette's friend pulled her little stunt, I have been trying to get things back to normal with the various Medics she mauled. However, with Ms Hofstadter remaining as a loose cannon, they are all threatening not only to cancel our business, but also to encourage other groups in the area to do the same. The end result could be a loss of sales somewhere between $2 and $4 million. Not something that the business can cope with at present. To make matters worse, every newspaper I read and every time I sit down to watch the news, all I seem to see is her face smiling out on me.

**Justin**: (**looking slightly annoyed**) My family are hooked on it. It is all I ever here over dinner. Needless-to-say, I haven't mentioned to them that the star of the show worked for us for two years before you sacked her a month ago.

**Dave: (glaring at Bernie**) Well how was I to know that she was about to become famous and probably rich?

**Bernie**: I did warn you that you needed a back-up plan, but you just waltzed in and threatened her. She's not some 23-year-old that you can bully. Even if she hadn't got this acting role, there was no way she was going to apologise to those jerks.

**Justin: (becoming more conciliatory**) Let's stay cool please. What do we need to do here and what is the easiest route to get there?

**Bernie**: Well if you ask me-or listen to me as you should have done sooner—the issue here is not with Penny but with those "hands on" Doctors. They are the problem here and, yes, I know they are our customers but that doesn't stop them being bozoos.

**Justin**: So, what do we need to do?

**Bernie**: They are more frightened of what might happen than, to some degree, we are. We might lose $4million; they might lose their business. We need to make them understand that.

**Justin**: And how are we going to do that?

**Bernie**: I'm not sure yet, but I think there is a way of doing it.

**Justin**: In that case, go away and come up with a plan.

**Bernie**: As always, whether at home or at work, where there's crap to be sorted out Bernadette ends up doing it.

**Scene 5**

**Penny and Bill are visiting a car showroom. It is full of sports cars. Penny is looking at an Audi TT**

**Penny**: This is so smart. I love how sleek it looks.

**Bill**: I don't think this is for you. Too much like a car for a Hairdresser.

**Penny**: A Hairdresser? At these prices?

**Bill**: Your hair doesn't need expensive management. But if it did, then you would know how much they earn. Didn't you ever see Warren Beatty in Shampoo?

**Penny**: Thought he was paid in "benefits in kind" in that film.

**Bill**: Don't you believe it. He was getting cash and benefits!

**Penny**: So, if not the TT, which one.

**Bill**: Well I think this one is more you.

**Penny**: The one without a price on it?

**Bill**: The I8. The future of electric cars

**Penny walks around it. She strokes the bonnet and looks inside through the driver's window.**

**Penny**: Looks like the cockpit of a plane-not that I've ever been in one of those. Which one of the buttons is the ejector seat?

**One of the sales-staff comes over. He is tall, very smart and good looking.**

**Salesman**: I'm Andrew can I help you. **He looks at both of them and gasps**. It's Stephen and Kaley, is it not? From my new favourite programme! **He turns to Bill with an affectionate look**. And you are everyone's favourite!

**Bill**: Thank you for that compliment. Good to meet you Andrew. **He shakes his hand. Andrew holds on just a little too long then releases it.**

**Andrew**: (**Talking to Bill**) And the I8 is so you!

**Bill**: No, it's not for me. It is Penny who would like to test drive it.

**Penny**: (**looks stunned**) Test Drive! Are you sure?

**Bill**: Only way to know if the horse is for you is to jump in the saddle.

**Penny**: We are still talking cars here.

**Bill**: Sadly, yes.

**Andrew**: You will just love this. It's so Hollywood. It just screams success!

**Penny: (to herself)** It's screaming something-crazy? mad? stupid?

**Bill: (to Andrew**) I should let the car do the talking.

**Andrew**: We can arrange that for you but perhaps you'd like to immerse yourself in it firstly and I can talk you through some of the features this includes.

**Penny and Bill sit in the car whilst Andrew outlines the features of the car.**

**Penny**: Listen guys, thanks for the review. This is just a little bit more than I was looking for at present. Beautiful though it is.

**Bill**: (**to Andrew**) I'm sure when she's looked at other cars she'll come around.

**Andrew**: (**to Bill**) Well perhaps I can interest you in something? (**Andrew looks cheekily at Bill)**

**Bill: **If you ever do a cabriolet, I'm your man!

**Andrew**: There's an offer I won't refuse!

**Penny wanders off to look at the TT again**

**Andrew**: I think it so nice.

**Bill**: What is?

**Andrew**: That you're being such a good GBF and helping her out like this.

**Bill**: Who wouldn't!

**Andrew**: (**looking suggestively at Bill**) Well if you do want to ever test drive anything I've got, just call me. (**he hands over his card which Bill takes**)

**Bill goes over to Penny and they leave the showroom. Once back in Bill's car they drive both aware that Andrew is waving to them.**

**Bill**: I feel my acting has been acknowledged at last.

**Penny**: How come?

**Bill**: My portrayal of Stephen, the extremely good looking and camp physicist is now the pin up of the Santa Monica Gay community. I think Andrew was in love.

**Penny**: Heh, I'm the person who should be the pin up in a Car Dealership!

**Bill**: Only in Maintenance. Front of house is obviously me.

**Penny**: To more mundane matters, that car was so far over the top, I would need a fireman's ladder to reach it.

**Bill**: You know your problem Penny? Apart from not succumbing to my wiles! You still see yourself as slightly broke Penny, rather than suddenly rich Penny.

**Penny**: If I was 25, I would be writing out the cheque for that thing we just saw. Maybe now I'm a little more real. Is there not anything slightly less ostentatious we can see?

**Bill**: There is a 2010 Ford Mustang that I know of that will cost you more to run in a week than it will to buy!

**Penny**: No thanks; I've had my fill of unreliable cars-and men come to think of it

**Bill**: I might be able to do something about the car. I've just remembered. There's a friend of mine who is leaving LA soon. He has a car similar to mine that he is looking to sell.

**Penny**: Why is he leaving?

**Bill**: Well, he is fed up with the whole scene. He did very well originally, hence the car. These last two years have been hard for him. So, he decided to go back to Atlanta and live like a normal man again.

**Penny**: Sounds sad.

**Bill**: No, it isn't. He had a great time whilst he could. He's now married and wants to live a life where he doesn't feel a failure just for being him. Something we can both learn from perhaps. What's happening now is brilliant for both of us. I remember something my Meemar used to say to me. Whatever happens, whether it is amazing or terrible, just say to yourself, "this too will pass". We will have fun for a while, make loads of money and then someone will decide that the lives of Kaley, Richard and Stephen are no longer of interest. And we will move on.

**Penny**: (**She stares at Bill for a time**) You're sounding very profound. Not that wind again is it?

**Bill**: It's why I have an open top.

**Penny**: I am glad of that.

**Bill**: This car; it's as good as mine-should be as he and I look after them together.

**Penny**: You make it sound like your child!

**Bill**: This is more like a Girlfriend. (**Bill changes down and accelerates away**)

**Scene 6 **

**Bernie is in the waiting room of Dr Wolfsberg's surgery, the Doctor who Penny kneed in the groin. She is talking with the same two receptionists.**

**Receptionist 1**: You're from the same company as Penny then. Are you taking over the territory from her?

**Bernie**: No; I'm from the Management team, just trying to sort the problems with your boss.

**Receptionist 2**: A date for him with our local Vet is probably the best solution.

**Receptionist 1**: Or some of that stuff they give long-term prisoners to take their mind of what they're missing.

**Bernie**: Is he really that bad?

**Receptionist 2**: Not with us anymore. Any one new who starts, then it is always a problem but we make sure that we don't leave them alone with him or, if they have to be, we just keep interrupting him so he has no chance to get up to mischief.

**Bernie:** What does he think this is? The 1960's?

**Receptionist 1**: He knows we need the job and, apart from him, we like what we do.

**Receptionist 2**: Between you and me, what Penny did was the best thing that could have happened. If nothing else, it's made him very nervous around women he doesn't know-quite the reverse of how he normally is!

**Receptionist 1**: What's happening to Penny? We had a whip round for her, but no-one collected it for her. Has she been sacked?

**Bernie**: You haven't seen her?

**Receptionist 2**: Seen her? Where?

**Bernie**: On the new comedy programme; the one about the geeks.

**Receptionist 1**: Oh, my gawd! She's Kaley! I have been racking my brains trying to figure our where I knew her from. Of course, it's the Blond Bomber herself.

**Receptionist 2**: Amazing! What on earth was she doing working as a Rep?

**Bernie**: It just happened for her. Just as she was meting out justice on behalf of all woman-kind, this part came along.

**Receptionist 1**: She is brilliant on the show. The chemistry between Kaley and Stephen is pure magic. Ralph and I just laughed ourselves silly.

**Receptionist 2:** Are you in touch with her?

**Bernie**: Between us, she's a really good friend.

**Receptionist 1**: Tell her from us that we love her! Especially what she did to old Wandering Hands (**she gestures towards the Doctor's room**)

**Receptionist 2**: Look, don't let on we told you, but this isn't the only problem he's had. We have another client who has put in a complaint and if it ever got out that he was under suspicion, there would be women queueing around the block to join in.

**Bernie**: No, I won't say anything. I am hoping I can frighten him into a change of behaviour.

**The door to the Doctor's room opens and a patient comes out who is young and female. Bernie and the two Receptionists stare at her as if checking for any problems. She leaves. **

**Bernie: **Well she seemed in one piece. Must be one of his off days.

**Receptionist 1**: Mrs Beamon there is a feisty lady so he's unlikely to try and anything on with her. Do you want me to see if he's ready to see you?

**Bernie:** I think I'm ready for him now.

**Scene 7**

**Penny is driving the car owned by Bill's friend. It is a dark green open top sports car. Bill is in the passenger seat.**

**Bill**: Try and accelerate smoothly through the gears.

**Penny**: It's the growling noise it makes when you put your foot down; gets me all excited!

**Bill**: In that case, carry on accelerating!

**Penny**: You're meant to be keeping me safe and secure here. Keep your eyes on the road!

**Bill**: What do you think this is? Driving Miss Penny? Or Driving Mr Bill?

**Penny**: If you start putting a deep southern accent on, I'll start singing "Ol' Man River"

**Penny drives for a while in silence. **

**Bill**: Do you know that you're radiating happiness at present? Like a cat that has had the cream, the tuna and a particularly tasty piece of steak all in one sitting.

**Penny**: Purrrrrrr!

**Bill**: Watch it or I'll tell you off for sitting on the furniture.

**Penny**: Let's go back to your friend. I think I've made my decision.

**Scene 8**

**Back in the Doctor's surgery. Bernie is in with Dr Wolfsberg**

**Dr Wolfsberg**: So, have you got the apology from that lunatic member of staff of yours? (**he picks up a glass of water and starts to drink**)

**Bernie**: On the contrary. We've decided that she was within her rights to protect herself.

**Dr Wolfsberg chokes on the water and it splutters all over the table. Bernie smiles at him.**

**Dr Wolfsberg: **What do you mean within her rights? She almost castrated me.

**Bernie**: And what did you almost do to her?

**Dr Wolfsberg: (Getting angry) **I didn't do anything to her. Whatever she said is a darn lie. That woman would say anything to keep her job.

**Bernie**: Well see, that's where it gets interesting. She doesn't work for us anymore.

**Dr Wolfsberg: **You've sacked her. Good.

**Bernie**: Not exactly. She decided that dealing with people like you all day wasn't what she wanted to do with her life. Now she's doing something much more interesting.

**Dr Wolfsberg: **Why are you telling me this?

**Bernie**: For your own good. It's like this. She has now got a star part in a new TV programme. You may have even seen her yourself. The one about the Geeks and their attractive neighbour?

**Dr Wolfsberg: (looks stunned) **That's her? She's Kaley?

**Bernie**: Oh, so you have seen it. Now let us consider things. There is nothing you or we can do to make her pretend that what you tried to do was anything other than the worse form of sexual harassment….

**Dr Wolfsberg: **But… But… But….

**Bernie**: Less of the Nanny Goat impressions, let me finish. If you try to go after her she will just counter-claim against you. The difference is that she will have the might of a studio behind her, knowing as they do, that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Once they get to work you will have every woman that you have ever groped, made suggestions to or whatever coming forward backing up what she says. We might lose your business but by then there probably won't be much business to lose.

**Dr Wolfsberg sits there with his mouth open making vague and unintelligible noises.**

**Bernie: She stands up. She is wearing her new boots and heals so appears to tower over the Doctor.**

Just sit there, keep quiet and listen for a bit. You have a problem that you need to deal with, and I suggest you seek help from someone in your profession. In the meantime, I will have a word with Penny and see what she wants to do. I might be able to persuade her not to take this further. However, if she gets to hear that you are up to no good again or hears that you've decided to take it out on my company or are just behaving like a good ol' jerk again, then I can't promise that she will keep quiet.

**Dr Wolfsberg starts to try and say something, but Bernie holds her hand up to keep him quiet.**

**Bernie**: (**She starts pacing around the room as she speaks**) And don't think that this will all be forgotten about in a year or two because it won't. This will be a life sentence. You have a choice; you can carry on and hope I'm wrong and run the risk of losing your business or you can pretend to be human, stop being a jerk and hope that the women you've assaulted don't decide to complain. In all of this, just consider Penny and me as avenging angels who will keep watch on you for ever more.

**Dr Wolfsberg again tries to say something, and again Bernie holds her hand up to keep him quiet.**

**Bernie**: Don't say anything. Just sit here and contemplate your navel for a few minutes. I will go back to the office and tell my boss that everything is back to normal and there is no change planned in the business arrangement between our two companies. I have nothing more to say, so I shall now take my leave.

**Bernie picks up her case. Dr Wolfsberg just sits there with his mouth opening and closing not saying anything**. **She opens the door and goes back into the Reception area.**

**Bernie: (to the Receptionists) **I would leave it ten minutes before you bother him.

**Receptionist 1**: That was brilliant Unbelievable!

**Bernie**: You heard it all?

**Receptionist 2**: Not hard to the way you were talking.

**Bernie**: Was it justified?

**Receptionist 2**: Down to every last word.

**Bernie**: Well you heard what I said; Avenging Angels. Here's my card (**she hands it over**); if he doesn't reform let me know and I'll release the Blond Bomber on him again.

**Receptionist 1**: I almost wish he does misbehave just to see her in action again.

**Receptionist 2**: Tell her we think she's the best.

**Scene 9**

**It is Friday late afternoon. Leonard is getting ready to go to the show. Sheldon and Amy are in the flat with him**

**Sheldon**: Why do have to go through this routine every time we go and see Penny in her show. I don't see you worrying about what you are wearing when you come and see me at work and, frankly, getting dressed up in your fineries to watch my mind at work makes much more sense.

**Leonard**: I just don't want to let her down.

**Sheldon**: You've been letting that girl down all the time you've known her. What's one more disappointment to her?

**Amy**: Sheldon, try and be nice to Leonard for once. You're not helping him. Can't you say "That's a nice top" or "Those cream trousers suit you" and don't say "bazinga" afterwards!

**Sheldon**: (**Pulling a face at Bernie**) Spoilsport! Anyway, I thought that everyone was being all relaxed casual rather than dressing smart. Didn't Penny say that she wanted to play "Spot the Nerds" between the actors and us?

**Leonard**: I know she did, but I still think that they will look like Actors pretending to be Nerds and I don't want to look too much like the real thing.

**Amy**: I think Penny won't mind what you wear as long as we're not late.

**Leonard**: Ok, come on, let's go.

**Leonard picks up his tweed jacket with leather elbow patches and they leave the flat. They are now in the car on the way to the show.**

**Sheldon**: Are you sure there will be proper food there? I don't classify two vol au vents and a canape a square meal.

**Amy**: Penny promised me that there would be proper food with a sound nutritional balance between Protein, Fibre and Carbohydrates. And they would have your favourite Sprite too.

**Leonard**: You'll be too busy clashing horns with Stephen to notice the food anyway.

**Sheldon**: I am looking forward to jousting with him. It is not often I meet someone of a similar intellectual capacity to me, with the obvious exception of Amy, and I feel that he has it.

**Leonard**: He is acting; it's not for real.

**Sheldon**: Maybe, but I'm still looking forward to meeting him.

**Leonard**: All I seem to hear about lately is "Bill this" or "Stephen said that". His mother better not be there. She opened up more wounds than Russel Crowe in Gladiator.

**They arrive at the Security Gate. It is the same Guard on duty as before.**

**Guard**: Hi there, folks. It's Penny's man is it not. You must be very proud of her. The show is going crazy. The team reckon it will keep everyone in work for the next two years-and in this town that's a lifetime. She and Bill are just the funniest couple on TV at present.

**Sheldon**: I thought Kaley was meant to be in a couple with Richard not Stephen? These plot lines always confuse me.

**Amy**: That's right, Richard is the one who is trying to go out with Kaley. With Stephen it's kind of "love/hate".

**Guard**: I know but Penny and Bill have this chemistry together which really makes it work

**Leonard: (to himself**) As a Physicist, I really hate Chemistry at present.

**They drive through and park up. Angie is waiting for them.**

**Angie**: Leonard. Hi (**she comes over and kisses him on both cheeks**) Good to see you again. You'll love the show tonight. It's going from strength to strength.

**Angie holds onto Leonard's arm and walks him towards the theatre. They pass Bernie, Howard and Raj who are queueing. Leonard spots them.**

**Leonard: ** Angie, you remember of other friends. Can they come with us?

**Angie: (looking disappointed**) Ok I suppose so.

**They join together and go into the theatre.**

**Leonard**: (**to Angie**) So, does Richard get any luck with Kaley this week?

**Angie**: (**looks surprised**) Doesn't Penny tell you about the plot each week?

**Leonard**: She says it's like finding out your birthday present before the big day-it spoils it.

**Angie**: You mean you don't know about what she and Stephen get up to?

**Leonard: (looking peeved**) Oh, I'll look forward to that!

**Angie**: Well what have you been up to since I last saw you. Any brilliant new discoveries? Pushed back the frontiers of science any?

**Sheldon**: Oh, please! Leonard is an Experimental Physicist; he just does what brilliant Theoretical Physicists like me tell him to do.

**Leonard**: That's not true. Some of the greatest minds in Physics got their hands dirty doing experiments.

**Sheldon**: Maybe, but I'm not sure that you're in there with them.

**Angie**: (**she turns to Leonard and holds his arm**) Well I'm sure that whatever it is you are working on, Leonard, you will be making a real difference.

**Angie shows them to their seats and then leaves them.**

**Amy**: You know that girl is awful friendly with you.

**Leonard**: You think so? I guess Penny asked her to look after me.

**Amy**: You want to watch your step there. I think she wants to do more than that.

**Leonard**: You reckon? Guess seeing a nerd in real life is better than seeing pretend ones.

**Sheldon**: If you say so.

**Scene 10 **

**It is the interval in the show. The gang are having drinks in the lobby.**

**Bernie: **Just like being at home, only with funnier lines.

**Amy**: Funnier maybe, but not as clever.

**Raj**: Fancy Richard being lactose intolerant, just like you Leonard.

**Leonard**: That was weird; I must ask Penny about it.

**Howard**: I felt some of it was too far-fetched. How could another Grad Student fall for that creep Werner's lines about "strong team work" "getting down and dirty for the project". That would never happen.

**Raj**: What Howard means is that he either tried that line and it failed or he is just annoyed he never thought of it!

**Bernie**: Well my Howey certainly wouldn't try it now- if he knows what's good for him.

**Sheldon**: I'm still not clear about a couple of the lines with Stephen. Why did Richard say that "Penny was barking up the wrong tree" when Stephen wanted her to help him get to sleep? And why shouldn't he keep Vaseline by his bed. I've woken up many a time with a chap on my lips and Vaseline is ideal in those occasions.

**Howard and Raj both splutter into their drinks. Sheldon looks at them both in surprise.**

**Leonard**: Let's save this discussion for another day, preferably when Amy is the only person around to explain it to Sheldon. They're calling us back in.

**The gang go back inside the theatre.**

**Scene 11**

**It is the after-show party. Leonard and the gang are waiting for Penny. She comes out with Bill. They are joking together.**

**Penny**: Leonard. What did you think? As good as last time? Better? Worse? (**she kisses him)**

**Leonard**: Really good; very funny; and you were brilliant!

**Penny**: Music to my ears! (**She looks to the others**) How are the nerds, Nerds?

**Raj**: Howard still thinks Werner is a creep, Leonard is frustrated with Richard and Sheldon can't understand why Stephen is so funny.

**Howard**: And Raj doesn't like it when Chandra says, "Exceedingly amusing" (**Howard puts on his silly Indian accent to say this**)

**Raj**: Howard! You promised you wouldn't do that accent again. You know it makes me annoyed.

**Howard: (still in accent**) But it makes us "exceedingly amused"

**Penny**: Come on guys. No more winding Raj up, Howard. Come and meet the rest of the crew.

**She leads them over to where the other actors are talking to their friends. Randeep is talking with his parents. Penny nudges him.**

**Penny**: Randeep. Can I introduce you to a real live Indian Physicist? Raj—meet Randeep.

**Randeep**: Hello Raj. It's great to meet you. Penny's told me all about you. What did you think of the show?

**Raj**: Wow-you sound nothing like Chandra. In fact, you sound more like John Wayne. Is that your real accent?

**Randeep**: **(Putting on a John Wayne voice**) "The hell it is!" (**he laughs**) No that really is me. Lived in Dallas all my life. Now if you want more of an Indian access, meet my mother and father here. (**he turns and brings his parents into the group**) This is my father Vijay and my mother Priya.

**Raj: (to Randeep's mother**). That's my sister's name.

**Priya**: So, you are a real scientist, not a pretend one like my son.

**Vijay**: I bet your parents are very proud of what you do.

**Priya**: You must have been an ideal choice for a husband, unlike Randeep. Have you been married long?

**Raj**: No, I'm not married.

**Vijay**: Can't your parents find anyone suitable? Are you too choosy or what?

**Howard**: Raj is too much in love with a little girl called Cinnamon to ever get married.

**Priya**: Cinnamon? Sounds like a dog's name.

**Raj**: Don't listen to them. She is my dog.

**Meanwhile, whilst Penny is introducing Raj to Randeep and his family, Leonard has introduced himself to Dave/Richard**. **He is also wearing a tweed jacket with leather patches.**

**Leonard**: Hi Richard, sorry, Dave. I'm Leonard, Penny's partner, I mean husband. Partner sounds like you're off for a waltz or something, but husband sounds like I own her or something, which of course I don't. I don't know, just say I'm Leonard. (**he holds his hand out to shake Dave's)**

**Dave**: Wow; you're quite different from Penny. She said that she had these friends who were quite like the characters in the show; if you are married to her, then I guess that means you are me?

**Leonard**: Kind of. Seems quite strange, you know, to say hello to yourself!

**Dave**: I think there are some obvious differences!

**Leonard**: (**He starts to get very embarrassed**) Yes Penny said that you were-well—were not ever likely to be interested in her or what in real life, whatever that means—if you get my meaning—which is really OK by me because you're never likely to want to go out with her—or she you for that matter.

**Dave**: You mean because I'm gay

**Leonard**: Yeah, kind of

**Dave**: You really are very different. So, tell me, how did you land such a catch? I know my interests lie elsewhere, but I can still acknowledge a David catching Goliath, if you get my meaning.

**Leonard**: I'm not sure Penny would be comfortable being compared with a 7-foot Philistine, but I see where you are coming from.

**Dave**: Come on then; what is your USP? What would make the gal from Nebraska fall for you? Are you packing? Are we talking a Dodge in the body of a Mini?

**Leonard**: No! Whatever that meant. No! I guess that she just liked who I was—different from the other guys she knew.

**Dave**: So are most of America, but I'm not sure she would have married any of them.

**Leonard**: Why do you ask?

**Dave**: Well, we are trying to make this as true to life a show as possible and, if Richard is ever going to get off with the lovely Kaley, I want it to be as real as possible.

**Leonard: **Well, Schrodinger's Cat had a lot to do with it.

**Dave**: Is that one of your neighbour's?

**Leonard: (Laughing**). No; it is philosophical argument proposed by Ernst Schrodinger to explain a quantum mechanical conundrum. What he proposed….

**Leonard launches into a detailed explanation of the Schrodinger's Cat hypothesis. Dave stands their listening with that glazed look that people have when something is being explained that they have no understanding of.**

**Leonard**: ….and then we went out a date and that's how it started.

**Dave**: And you were married shortly after?

**Leonard**: Well, not shortly after. About 4 years after, if truth be told, with one or two breaks in the middle.

**Dave**: So, you think the "Cat story" might work for Richard too?

**Leonard**: Well Einstein said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting different results. That suggests it would be madness for him not to try it.

**Dave**: Leonard, I think you may have helped Johnson and me to develop the story of Kaley and Richard that is both believable and uses quantum mechanics.

**Leonard**: I'm glad I can be of help. I'm always rooting for Kaley and Richard.

**Dave**: Me too. Heh, what about that new car? Penny was going on about how fantastic it was to drive. Bill helped her find it. Not really into them that much myself, but I've known guys that loved their car—sometimes, I felt, more than me!

**Leonard**: A car? Penny's not mentioned that.

**Dave: (looking embarrassed**) Oh it must be a surprise. Don't let on I spilt the beans. Always were a terrible gossip!

**Scene 12**

**Leonard is driving Penny, Amy and Sheldon back from the party. **

**Sheldon**: Well I just want to say a good ol' Texan "Thanks" to Penny for a lovely evening.

**Penny**: Thank you, sweetie. I'm glad you enjoyed it. How about you, Amy?

**Amy**: I had a fascinating time. The data I collected observing Sheldon arguing and debating with his fictional alter-ego Stephen/Bill was outstanding. I feel a learned paper coming on that considers this-"Schizophrenia or Doppelganger: Meeting yourself"

**Leonard**: (**Laughing**) I'd say there's a Nobel Prize in that research.

**Sheldon**: You can laugh, but I enjoyed my banter with Bill. I know he is an actor, but he is also a very interesting person as well with a wide range of knowledge.

**Penny**: Yes, he really is a smarty-not you guys smart, of course. That's not possible. He really knows a lot about a lot of subjects.

**Leonard**: Dave said he's really into cars too.

**Penny: (Looking guilty**) Yes, he is. That reminds me, I meant to tell you I've been looking at cars.

**Leonard**: Is there something wrong with the one I bought you?

**Penny**: No, it's still fine. I just thought is would be fun to get something a bit snazzy.

**Sheldon**: Ooohh, good. I like snazzy.

**Leonard**: What kind of snazzy are we talking about here?

**Penny**: God, this will sound dreadful, but it's a sports car, in Racing Green.

**Leonard**: **(sounding a bit annoyed**) Racing Green, eh: isn't that the same colour as Bill's?

**Penny: (looking even more guilty**) Yes, it is a similar colour. (**getting excited**) But it's really fun to drive and it's a soft top and it looks gorgeous and we could do a road trip to Mom and Dad's and I could drive around town waving to everyone.

**Leonard**: OK, OK. I can see where you are coming from. But isn't it a lot of money? Brand new those things must cost a lot. I thought that your car is really nice.

**Penny**: It is nice, and I love it but I just love the idea of having something a bit different. And it's not new. One of Bill's friends owns it, only he's selling up and moving back to Georgia, so he needs to sell it.

**Leonard**: What about looking after it?

**Penny**: Well Bill said he would help.

**Leonard**: That's nice of him. Guess even then it will still be a lot of money. You sure we can afford it?

**Penny**: (**Looking embarrassed**) Well, I am being paid an awful lot for each show.

**Leonard**: But it might not go on for very long.

**Penny**: If it doesn't, then I just want to have some fun whilst it does.

**Credits**.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Scene 1**

**It is a month later. Penny is driving Leonard to work in her new car. She is stopped at a Traffic Light. There are two women waiting to cross the road at the lights**

**1****st**** Pedestrian: (peering into the car) **It is you isn't it?

**Penny: **(**Looking in the rear-view mirror**) It was the last time I looked!

**2****nd**** Pedestrian: **It's Kaley isn't it! I think you're fantastic

**1****st**** Pedestrian: **We've watched all the shows. We think you and Stephen are a hoot together. (**talking to Leonard**) Are you in the show too? You look a bit like Richard, only smaller.

**Penny: **No, Leonard's a civilian!

**2****nd**** Pedestrian: **Our friends won't believe we met you. Can we have a selfie with you?

**Penny**: Of course you can! Give Leonard, here, your phone. He'll take it for you.

**The woman passes her phone to Leonard. He opens it up and gets the camera ready. The two women lean in the car either side of Penny. **

**Leonard: **Smile everyone.

**He takes a couple of photos and then hands the phone back. Meantime the lights have turned to Green. The driver behind them presses his horn angrily.**

**Pedestrian 1**: Heh, calm down fellah. Can't you see who's in the car? It's Kaley!

**The driver behind acknowledges this and presses his horn a couple of times in a fun way.**

**Pedestrian 2**: Thanks, Kaley; you've made our day. (**then to Leonard**) Thanks Larry

**Penny drives off.**

**Penny**: That was nice.

**Leonard**: Larry? Do I look like a Larry? You're not getting fed up with this happening all the time?

**Penny**: (**smiling**) Nope. Bring 'em on is what I say.

**Leonard**: (**not looking so happy**) Getting hard to go out without you getting mobbed.

**Penny**: But that's what this business is all about. They're my fans.

**Leonard**: I don't like the way some of them look at me-especially some of the guys. I know they're thinking "What's she doing with him?" or else they think I'm your Accountant or something.

**Penny**: Well you do have a head for figures.

**They pull into the parking area at the University. **

**Leonard**: You got time to come up for a coffee and say "hi" to the guys?

**Penny**: That should be fine. Simon and Randeep are redoing one of their scenes this morning so I'm not needed until 11.00.

**Penny parks up and they get out and walk towards the labs. Two undergraduates—a boy and girl-come towards them**

**Girl**: Oh my God! It's Kaley! (**she runs up and grabs Penny's hand**)

**Penny**: Hi there.

**Boy**: So, the story of you hanging out with some of the Guys here is true. (**He turns to Leonard**) Is this your real-life Nerd?

**Penny**: He certainly is. Home grown and home picked. (**she squeezes Leonard**)

**Boy**: (**to Leonard**) What's your secret?

**Leonard**: I explained Fermat's Last Theorem to her. After that, she was putty in my hands.

**Boy**: Really? I've got to try it.

**Penny**: Selfie?

**Girl**: Would you. Can he join in too?

**Penny**: Leonard. Come be a star with me!

**They take a group selfie and then Penny and Leonard walk on.**

**Leonard**: We are going to add on "selfie time" before we go out anywhere. You sure it's not bugging you?

**Penny**: If it goes on another ten years, then I might get fed up with it.

**Scene 2**

**In the canteen at work. Howard, Raj and Sheldon are having a coffee. Leonard and Penny come in.**

**Howard**: It's Wonder Woman and her faithful hound Lassie!

**Raj**: I think Leonard is more like Droopy than Lassie.

**Sheldon**: Perhaps we should throw Howard down a well and see if Leonard finds him. (**Sheldon pretends to be a dog panting**)

**Leonard**: Very funny. Penny dropped me off today as my car is getting a service and, as she hasn't been here for a while, she thought she would come in and see some real Physicists at work.

**Sheldon**: So, she's planning to spend time with me. I think I can spare her some time. Of course, I can't pretend I shall be as funny as Stephen, but I shall try my best!

**Raj**: Well I promise I won't nod my head like a demented chicken and speak with a funny accent.

**Howard**: You intend pretending to be someone else then? Who are you going to be? Groucho Marx? John Wayne? **Howard stands up and pretends to walk like John Wayne** "Get off your Horse and eat your Chapatti!" (**This is said in a fake Indian accent)**

**Raj: **Still not funny Howard.

**Two young post graduates come over to see them. **

**1****st**** Post Grad**: (**to Sheldon**) The stories of Kaley and the real cool Physicists _are_ true! Do you really know her, Dr Cooper?

**Sheldon**: Oh, my lord! We have groupies now.

**Howard**: (**To the two Post Grads**) You know I am pretty famous too. I went to the Space Station.

**2****nd** **Post Grad**: Yeh, whatever. (**to Penny**) Any chance of a selfie?

**Penny**: Sure, no problem. Do you want any of the guys included?

**1****st**** Post Grad: **Could we have Dr Cooper as well? He's so like Stephen it will be just like the show.

**Penny**: Well Dr Hofstadter is pretty famous too?

**2****nd**** Post Grad**: But we all want to be like Stephen. He's the cool one.

**Sheldon**: Well, if I must.

**He stands up next to Penny whilst the two Post Grads take selfies. Once done they walk off.**

**Raj**: Is that a regular occurrence?

**Leonard**: The word I would use is constant. In this case the constant "k" is the ten minutes that we need to add on to any walk we do. Starting to get somewhat tedious.

**Penny**: Come on-it's not that bad.

**Leonard**: No, you're right. It's often twenty minutes.

**Penny: (looking a little hurt**) They're just my fans and it is all new to me.

**Leonard**: (**Trying to be more understanding**) I know, I just find it hard that everyone seems to want a little piece of you all the time. Shame you can't be famous without anyone ever recognising you!

**Howard**: Chewbacka didn't have that problem-least not until he sneezes (**Howard pretends to be Chewbacka sneezing and in the process spits all over Leonard**)

**Leonard**: My day just keeps on getting better!

**Scene 3**

**At rehearsals. All the crew are there plus Conrad, Johnson and Lucy. Conrad is briefing them.**

**Conrad**: Guys, I wanted to give you an overview of some developments we are planning for each of the characters over the next three shows.

**Johnson**: The plan is to move the romance forward and not just for Kaley and Richard…

**Dave**: Whoopee!

**Johnson**: …but also for some of the other characters as well. We have this idea for Kaley acting as a matchmaker for Werner.

**Simon**: Women coming at me from all angles-what's there not to like!

**Johnson**: Well we think that despite setting him up, Werner then drops the new girl, who gets upset. Chandra then becomes all gallant and dates her instead.

**Randeep**: That might help develop my role a little. Will she be Indian?

**Johnson**: No; our thoughts are that she will be a bit shy, quiet girl from Nebraska who knows Kaley from home and is trying to make it in Hollywood too.

**Penny**: I did something similar for a friend of mine who I worked with. Rather than being shy and quiet she was loud and bossy.

**Conrad**: I like loud and bossy. It avoids us being accused of just having pretty blonds in the show, no offence Penny.

**Penny**: None taken; quite happy to be seen as a pretty blond.

**Johnson**: That's given me an idea. Werner, having rejected her, could then start trying to prize her from Chandra. That has a lot of comic potential in it.

**Simon**: Not sure how I could fit her in with all these under grads I have surrounding me.

**Penny**: Maybe they all get specs and realise what you really look like!

**Bill**: Are you in character again? Or is this Penny?

**Penny**: Just me!

**Bill**: So, have you got a fit under grad for me, as it were?

**Johnson**: That's an issue for us at present. We are under pressure to tone down your "gayness" from a couple of the new sponsors. That is the problem with being successful. What I am going to do is increase the "double entendres" and rely on most of them going over the heads of these guys. So, no hanky-panky for you-least not whilst we're filming!

**Conrad**: The other thing we are going to do is to take the show on the road-to Vegas.

**Johnson**: The idea here is that there is Comi-Con event being held there, the boys all go along and Kaley gets a job working on one of the stands as well. We're looking at a Guest Star who, typically, would be there at one of these events and then play on the anguish generated with Richard when this Star hits on Penny.

**Dave**: I don't have to fight him over Penny's honour, do I?

**Penny**: I would hope so. Pistols at dawn at the very least!

**Johnson**: No violence needed. We see this as the chance for Richard to get his first smooch with Kaley.

**Bill**: If you're looking for a stunt double for that scene, I don't mind volunteering.

**Penny**: That would be far too confusing to this Mid-West Farmer's daughter.

**Conrad**: The plan is to leave for Vegas next Monday. We plan to be away for 6 days.

**Bill**: (**to Penny**) I shall try my luck at gambling whilst I am there, only I have a very broad view of what constitutes a gamble. (**he winks at Penny**)

**Penny**: Those odds are too high for you!

**Scene 4**

**Penny and Leonard are back in the apartment. They have eaten and are flopped out on the couch.**

**Leonard: **Slumming it in Vegas heh! How will you cope?

**Penny**: We'll be working most days from 9.00 to 9.00 or even later. Putting up twenty support staff is expensive, so Conrad wants to make sure we get the scenes shot over 6 days.

**Leonard**: What's the story line?

**Penny**: Well, the idea is that Comi-com is being held in Vegas and Kaley gets a job working for the organisers. All the guys are there doing geeky things and get to meet the guy who plays Finn in Star Wars, you know the cool English guy.

**Leonard**: John Boyega? He is cool. So, what happens to you?

**Penny**: Well, Kaley meets up with the guys when they are with Finn and he starts hitting on her.

**Leonard**: So, a Hollywood A lister is hitting on you now?

**Penny**: Not on me, on Kaley.

**Leonard**: Not sure where Penny stops and Kaley starts.

**Penny**: I should take that as a compliment to my natural acting skills but somehow, I don't think it was meant as one.

**Leonard**: Sorry. So, does Finn sweep you off your feet and into his Fighter and have his wicked way with you?

**Penny**: Well I shouldn't tell you this, in fact I may have to shoot you if I do, but Richard gets all protective towards Kaley which is kind of cute, especially when she sees Finn chatting up another girl after fixing up a date with Kaley. Which leads to Richard getting his first kiss.

**Leonard**: Wow, I get lucky!

**Penny**: Richard gets lucky, Leonard. You got lucky a long time back!

**Leonard**: I know, but I am always cheering for the underdog.

**Penny**: There is one thing I wanted to talk to you about.

**Leonard**: What's that?

**Penny**: Well we were looking for a geeky Physics way of properly breaking the ice between Kaley and Richard. I mentioned the story of what's his name's cat-the one that's dead or maybe is not dead…

**Leonard**: Schrodinger

**Penny: **That's him. Well Johnson liked the idea, so he built it into the script. So don't be surprised when you see it, just don't let on to the others otherwise they will start seeing things between Richard and Kaley and you and me.

**Leonard**: He's still gay, right?

**Penny**: As a Maypole.

**Leonard**: That's OK. I guess it is hard not to mix up pretend life with geeks with the real thing!

**Penny**: I will be leaving early Monday morning. The crew need time to get everything ready, so we won't be needed until after lunch.

**Leonard**: Are you flying?

**Penny**: No, I'm going to take the car. Your friend Angie keeps going on about it so I promised her I would drive her there so she can pretend she's a star too.

**Leonard**: (**smiling to himself**) Angie; nice girl.

**Penny**: Don't even think about it, Leonard Hofstadter!

**Scene 5**

**It is Sunday night. Raj, Howard, Bernie and Haley are in the apartment with Penny and Leonard. **

**Penny**: Raj. Will you go and hurry Shamy along. I don't want to miss the start. It's really funny.

**Raj**: As long as it's not funny because Chandra is talking.

**Penny**: No, I promise his part is getting more interesting over the next few weeks.

**Howard**: (**in his silly Indian acc**ent) Go on punk, make my day.

**Bernie**: Give it a break Howie and check that Haley is OK. I don't want the smell of a full diaper to ruin the show.

**Raj leaves the apartment. Howard picks up Haley and sniffs.**

**Howard**: Still all sweetness and light. It always seems somewhat of a contradiction that something so sweet and delightful can create such an awful mess.

**Bernie**: For someone who changes her once in a blue moon, I think you are relying on a good memory here.

**Raj returns with Amy and Sheldon, who is reading an article.**

**Penny**: I thought you liked watching it, Sheldon?

**Sheldon**: I like watching the parts where Stephen is in. The rest is a bit boring, so I brought this article on Prime Number ratios to read when he's not speaking.

**Amy**: At least it stops him looking for holes in the plot line and remarking on them.

**Bernie**: It is a bit like the comforter we give to Haley. Shuts her up when we want to watch something on TV.

**Leonard**: OK everyone, the show is about to start.

**The guys are all watching. Sheldon is back on his old place on the couch. He spends half the time laughing, then picks up the article and starts reading. Then he looks up, laughs again and then goes back to reading. This happens every fifteen seconds. An advert break begins.**

**Howard**: What a jerk!

**Bernie**: Who, Sheldon?

**Howard: **No, Werner. Kaley's friend is really cute, if just a little short, shouty and bossy and he slopes off and gets that waitress's cell number thinking no-one could see him.

**Bernie**: He's just a bit of a dork. Still has very funny lines though.

**Raj**: (**looking at Bernie**) I can't think who Kaley's friend reminds me of!

**Bernie**: (**shouting**) What do you mean short, bossy and shouty! That's not like me at all.

**Howard**: No, my hunny-bunch. Not like you at all.

**Leonard**: (**to Penny**) Is it a pure coincidence that Kaley has a friend that she organises to go out with Werner who seems to bear an uncanny resemblance to Bernie?

**Penny**: (**looking embarrassed**) I had nothing to do with it. As you say "pure coincidence.

**Howard**: Well, I think Werner was stupid.

**Raj**: Chandra was nice though. Offering to drive her home and suggesting they meet for coffee.

**Bernie**: Yes, he's a Cutie Pie, isn't he? Wonder if they get together?

**Raj**: (**to Penny**) Well does he, or doesn't he?

**Penny**: Heh, don't ask me. I'm only an actress not a script writer.

**Howard**: Well I would never have left Bernie for a waitress.

**Bernie**: But I was a waitress when I met you.

**Howard**: That was different.

**Penny**: OK guys, the adverts are over.

**Scene 6 **

**Howard is driving Bernie and Raj back from the apartment. **

**Howard: **Do you remember that film "Sliding Doors"?

**Bernie**: The one with Gwyneth

**Raj**: Where she was both lovely and tragic and where some jerk who she was seeing was sleeping with someone else

**Bernie**: As if!

**Raj**: Absolutely.

**Howard**: Forget Gwyneth for a minute. Think of the film. There were two story lines. In the first, the doors stay closed on the train, she misses it, gets home ten minutes later and her boyfriend gets away with his infidelity. In the second, the doors slide open, she gets in and catches him at it and her life ends up quite different.

**Raj**: Doesn't she die in a car accident?

**Bernie**: She is in hospital on a life support machine and they turn it off

**Raj**: That's right. I just cried and cried.

**Howard**: What a surprise. Here's my point. I was watching Werner tonight and kept thinking how this was a life that I wanted to have and, I know it's only TV, but he was living it-living the dream.

**Bernie**: (**getting shouty**) And are you saying you're jealous.

**The car stops at traffic lights.**

**Howard**: (**he turns to Bernie**) I kept thinking who would want that life when I have you and Halley.

**Raj**: That's beautiful man.

**Bernie**: Raj. Do you think you can stay over and sleep in Halley's room? I'd like a bit of quiet time with Howie.

**Howard pulls away from the lights with a tyre squeal.**

**Scene 7**

**Penny is driving her car to Los Vegas with Angie in the car. It is a sunny day and Penny has the roof down. Both are wearing headscarves.**

**Angie: **This is the life. I just hope one day I can make it like you Penny.

**Penny**: Just remember, three months ago this was all a dream for me too.

**Angie**: I know, you told me. Still, you had your life sorted even then with a decent job and a lovely husband.

**Penny**: Somehow, I find the idea of you seeing my life as something people would aspire towards as a tad amusing. OK, now everything looks rosy, but it wasn't always like that.

**Angie**: Will you tell me what it was like. When did you come to LA? What did you do? How did you meet Leonard? Was it love at first sight? How did he propose?

**Penny**: Slow down young lady; you're going faster than the car!

**Angie**: I'm sorry. It's just that you are so different from any of the other actresses I've been around on the other work I've done.

**Penny**: I'm guessing that's a compliment but tell me what you mean?

**Angie**: Well, I'm pretty sure it is all you for start off.

**Penny**: You mean no artificial colouring or flavouring!

**Angie**: Yes, that's right. Don't get me wrong, your very pretty and all that but natural as well.

**Penny**: Thank you. If you must know, I often wondered whether I would have got more work if I had an extra size or two "out front" or if my nose was a little smaller but I never had the money until now and I guess I'm just happy now with who I am.

**Angie**: Don't change it would spoil you.

**They drive on in silence for a while.**

**Angie**: So, tell me how you met Leonard?

**Penny**: Well, I moved in next door to them in the apartment block, just like Kaley. And I got to become friends with them, just like Kaley.

**Angie**: (**getting all excited**) And you fell in love with one of them just like Kaley.

**Penny**: Speeding up again girl. That took a lot longer.

**Angie**: So, what did you like about him most.

**Penny**: He was different.

**Angie**: From everyone else?

**Penny**: No, just the sort of guys I used to go out with.

**Angie**: Were they bigger? More Athletic? Not as Bright?

**Penny**: All of that and more so.

**Angie**: I spend my time with a lot of ego driven, gym loving jerks who only love themselves.

**Penny**: It's called being young.

**Angie**: How did he ask you out?

**Penny**: Wait until you see this week's plot line.

**Angie**: Really? Johnson is copying what really happened to you?

**Penny**: Not completely—just partly.

**There is the sound of a siren in the background. Penny looks in her rear-view mirror.**

**Penny**: Damn. I forget sometimes how fast this car goes. My old car used to rattle like a snake if I went over 50.

**The patrol comes up behind her and signals for Penny to stop. The Patrol man gets out of his car and comes towards Penny.**

**Patrolman**: Going for any land speed records, are we?

**Penny**: No Officer, I just didn't notice the speed I was doing.

**Patrolman**: Hang on, it's Kaley! Oh my God, my kids won't believe it.

**Penny**: So, they like the show?

**Patrolman**: Like it? We all love it. And everyone loves you.

**Penny**: Awww. That's nice.

**Patrolman**: Can I ask a huge favour?

**Penny**: I think so. What can I do?

**Patrolman**: Could I record a little Video of you telling my son, Arnie, to do his Math homework or else he will never be bright enough to date someone like Kaley?

**Penny**: Course I will, no worries.

**The Patrolman gets his phone out and records the Video as requested. **

**Patrolman**: One last favour. Don't be so hard on the pedal and keep the speed down. I wouldn't want to find you wrapped around a cactus tree someone in the Desert.

**Penny**: 'Course not Officer.

**Patrolman**: Bye.

**The Patrolman goes back to his car. Penny pulls away.**

**Angie**: You are amazing. Everyone loves Kaley!

**Scene 8**

**Penny has checked in to her room at the Hotel and is heading to the conference suite they are using for the shoot.**

**Penny: **First here. Why am I not surprised? (**At this point she notices someone by the window**) Oh, Hi—didn't see you there.

**The person turns around and Penny sees that it is John Boyega, the Actor who is the Guest Star on the show.**

**Penny**: Hi—It's John isn't it. Really pleased to be working with you. (**she walks over and offers her hand**)

**John**: Wow! It's Kaley! Even more pleased to be working with you. (**They shake hands**). I'll be honest with you. I'm like a schoolkid. When my agent told me about this gig, I was ecstatic. I've never known a show like this one to get everyone-and I mean everyone-so excited. When I told my kid brother what I was doing he went crazy. Forget a lead role in Star Wars-this tops it all. (**He is still holding Penny's hand at this point and she has to prise it free**)

**Penny**: I hope you're still saying the same on Friday when we've finished!

**John**: I'm sure I will be Kaley—I mean Penny—god it's hard to know what to call you.

**Penny**: Penny will be just fine.

**At this point Bill comes in with Johnson and Conrad.**

**Conrad**: Ah, John. I see you've met Penny. Good to see you. This is Bill who plays the weird and wonderful Stephen and Johnson who tries to link it all together. (**they all shake hands**) Well I'll leave you Actors to get to know each other whilst Johnson and I start getting ready for the first scene. (**he walks off with Johnson**)

**John**: (**ignores Bill and turns to Penny**) So, tell me more about yourself. I am sure I must have seen you in some other films or shows but, for the life of me I can't remember which ones.

**Penny**: Well I'd be surprised if you had seen me in anything. This is definitely my big break.

**Bill: (putting on a black vernacular accent)** Don't listen to her brother, she's just shooting the breeze with yu'. She was hotter than hell before this, yu dig?

**John**: (**looking somewhat irritated**) Sorry I'm English and don't do the patois very well.

**Penny**: Don't take any notice of Bill. He talks like James Stewart most of the time.

**Bill**: Just a little humour for the start of the day.

**John**: (**to Penny again**) I've been told I get to hit on you. Not the hardest job I've ever had.

**Bill**: And I've got to hit on you which will take all of my acting skills.

**Penny**: (**sensing some conflict**) Well I'm sure we can all have fun pretending to hit off each other without it getting out of hand.

**John**: Well, as we say in England, "in for a penny, in for a pound"

**Penny: **What does that mean?

**John**: Well, you have cents and dollars, we have pennies and pounds. In for a penny, in for a pound, well it means if you're going to commit a small amount you might as well commit a lot.

**Bill**: Fascinating!

**Dave, Simon and Randeep appear at this point. **

**Conrad: **OK guys. Let's do our first run through.

**The team disperse to prepare.**

**Scene 9**

**Leonard is in his lab by himself. He is watching a previous episode of Penny's show on his Phone when Howard comes in.**

**Howard: **Leonard: not watching anything smutty on your phone when you should be pushing back the frontiers of Science are you.

**Leonard**: No of course not. If you must know, I was watching a back episode of the show. With Penny over in Vegas this week, it's the best way I know if still seeing her around.

**Howard**: Bless, you really are still in love despite being married for more than 2 years now. Not an itch in sight!

**Leonard**: Never will be either.

**Howard**: Is this what you do every day?

**Leonard**: No, just I'm even more paranoid than normal because she is away in Vegas and, this week, she gets hit on by Finn from Star Wars. Another Nerd I can cope with-well someone pretending to be a Nerd-but a member of the Resistance who flies fighter craft against the Evil Empire who is also English; let's just say my paranoia has hit another level.

**Howard**: Wow; Finn. If he wanted to hit on Bernie, I'd offer to hold his coat.

**Leonard**: No, you wouldn't, you're just saying that.

**Howard**: If he let me where his outfit, I'd be putty in his hands. So, when is she back?

**Leonard**: Sometime on Saturday. She took her car over for the fun of the drive. I guess she'll be back sometime in the afternoon.

**Howard**: Why don't you come over to ours on Friday and we'll have fun like old times.

**Leonard**: Thanks, I'd like that.

**Scene 10**

**The crew are rehearsing a scene for the show. Present are all four guys, Penny plus John Boyega. Johnson and Conrad are directing them on the scene**

**Conrad**: OK everyone. Just remember the humour in this scene is all about the attempts of different people to get someone else interested in each other. Everyone wants to get off with everyone else and, meanwhile, Werner and Chandra just comment on the chaos like Waldorf and Statler do in the Muppets.

**Bill: (to Penny) **And I will be keeping an eye on Mr Fighter Pilot to make sure he doesn't forget where the script ends, and reality starts.

**Penny**: So sweet. It's like having my Dad with me.

**Bill**: You're not to old to go across my knee young lady.

**Penny**: Promises, Promises.

**The scene starts. Stephen, Richard, Chandra and Werner have cornered John Boyega at the Star Wars stand. There are crowds of other fans trying to get to him as well.**

**Finn/John**: Is it always this crazy? I didn't think anyone would recognise me out of costume.

**Richard**: Most of these know things about you even your mother doesn't. Don't worry. Stephen is keeping the mob at bay giving us time to spirit you away. I think they believe he is C3PO out of costume.

**Werner**: Or Ja Ja Binks, only funnier.

**In the background Stephen is talking to the rest of the crowd.**

**Stephen**: Now just remember that George is on the look out for extras for the next two films, but he will only want those who can remain cool around the stars.

**The crowd are now all listening to Stephen**

**Finn/John**: I think it's time to go.

**Richard**: We know a quiet place you can hang for ten minutes or so. A friend of ours is working on the Marvel Stand and they have a quiet room. I'm sure that they won't mind someone from Star Wars using it.

**Finn/John**: Lead on my good man.

**Richard leads John over to where Penny is on the Marvel stand.**

**Kaley**: Hi guys. You looking to pick up some mementos?

**Richard**: Actually, Kaley, we're looking for you to help protect someone from the dark side (**he points to John**). John here is being chased by his adoring fans.

**Kaley**: (**flirting with him**) That must be terrible. I can hide you in the store-room. (**She leads them to the room and then looks at Finn/John**)-why do I think I know you?

**Finn/John**: Just imagine me in a Star Wars' outfit saying, "The Force is with you Luke" and it will come to you.

**Kaley**: Finn the Fighter Pilot! And that from someone who three months ago didn't know a Droid from a Luggabeast. And now look at me!

**Finn/John: (Getting closer to Penny**) I know a good Doctor. He can cure you with a simple operation. You won't feel a thing. Why the change?

**Kaley**: Spend enough time with these Nerds and you never know where it will take you.

**Richard: (butting in**) Finn here thought he could wander around Comic-Com in civvies and no-one would recognise him.

**Werner**: We spotted him from across the hall

**Chandra**: He was looking cool and alluring, but in a strong silent sort of manner.

**Werner**: You've been spending too much time with Stephen.

**Finn/John**: Is he the Pied Piper who led the children away from the stand.

**Kaley**: A bit like you-not quite from this Planet, if you get my meaning. So, what are you doing here, if that's not an obvious question?

**Finn/John**: I am hosting a Q and A on my role within the franchise. In uniform of course. (**flirting**) You ought to come along.

**Richard**: (**jumping in**) Wow, fantastic. Those tickets are like gold dust. We'd love to come.

**Finn/John**: (**looking disappointed**) Of course I mean all of you. It's 3.30 this afternoon.

**Stephen comes in looking behind him.**

**Stephen**: I think I gave them the slip. They believe George Lucas is wandering the hall looking for extras for the next film. I told them he liked cross-dressing and had amazing prosthetics, so they had to look closely. (**he turns to Finn/John**) You look older close to.

**Finn/John**: Thank you. Have you thought of a job in the Diplomatic service?

**Stephen**: How strange? I was planning to do just that but decided solving the problems of the physical world was more challenging. (**he takes hold of Finn/John's hand**) Now I must let you into my secret for staying young. Cucumbers. I use a whole cucumber each week and feel wonderful for it.

**Werner**: You wouldn't want to eat it afterwards mind.

**Finn/John**: The mind boggles just thinking what he means. (**he turns to Kaley**) I better go now and get into character, but look forward to seeing you later (**he leaves**)

**Richard**: You can go off people, you know.

**Werner**: You could always challenge him to a duel. Light Sabres at dawn. (**he and Chandra start pretending to fight with Light Sabres, complete with sound effects**).

**Stephen**: Have we all been invited somewhere? Oh great.

**Conrad steps in and says "Cut".**

**Conrad**: Brilliant guys. That ought to be a rap on that scene.

**Scene 10**

**Penny is in her room at the hotel. It is the Friday afternoon. She is on the phone to Leonard. **

**Leonard**: So, how's it gone? Still enjoying Vegas?

**Penny**: Cool and tacky as always. You know what is funny though; no-one bothers me here. There are so many fake Elvis's, fake Madonna's, fake Cher's that I'm sure everyone think's I'm a fake Kaley!

**Leonard**: Imagine, the only place you can go to where you're allowed to be real is the biggest make-believe place in the world. There's a learned paper in there somewhere for the right author, but, thankfully, that's not me. So, what are you up to?

**Penny**: We're ahead of schedule. Conrad and Johnson are running through the takes just to make sure they are happy with them all but if they are then we can leave tomorrow morning. We're meeting up in an hour or so to check. The boys and I are planning to play the tables tonight and, no, I'm not going to bet much.

**Leonard**: You be careful. It is slippery slope you don't want to go down. I could tell you the odds of winning at the various games and none of them are worth betting on.

**Penny**: Don't worry. I still see myself as an impostor, even here, so throwing large amounts of money on the throw of a dice isn't going to happen.

**Leonard**: Good to hear. Listen, I'm going for a meal at Howard and Bernie's soon, so I got to go. Love you, wife.

**Penny**: Love you too, husband (**they blow kisses at each other down the phone**. **She puts the phone down**) Now, time for a bath then to get out that little black number I've been dying to wear.

**Scene 11**

**Bill and Dave are in the Casino of the Hotel playing Craps**

**Dave**: (**rolling the dice**) Why do I think this is a complete waste of time and money?

**The dice come up totalling 5.**

**Bill**: Because, my young man, you have no sense of adventure.

**Dave**: No, because I lose all the time.

**Bill**: Let me show you how to do it.

**Bill picks up the dice. He throws a 7. **

**Bill**: And that is why, my friend, I say that the luck is with me.

**He collects his winnings. He then looks around the Casino.**

**Bill**: Have you see Penny?

**Dave**: Last I saw her she was playing Roulette with John.

**Bill**: I turn my back for a minute, and he thinks he is in there.

**They walk over to the Roulette table. Penny is playing by herself.**

**Bill**: Where's the Artful Dodger?

**Penny**: You mean John? He's gone to bed. He's flying back to London tomorrow night and needs his beauty sleep. How are you two getting on?

**Dave**: Half of us are winning and the other half less so.

**Penny**: And I guess from your ambience, you are one of the losers.

**Bill**: My man here couldn't get lucky at a Drag show.

**Dave**: Thank you for that vote of confidence. And now, as I have lost twice as much as I promised I would gamble, I will also leave you. See you Monday back at the ranch.

**Dave kisses Penny, high fives Bill and leaves**

**Bill: **And then there were two. How's your luck doing?

**Penny**: Well, I'm still in front so call that lucky. Same with you?

**Bill**: I'm doing OK, but not planning to buy up Vegas just yet.

**Penny**: Just as well. You'd only make it tacky.

**Bill**: What, with my taste?

**Penny**: So, what's next?

**Bill**: My young lady, I am going to show you how to win at Roulette.

**Bill takes Penny by the hand and leads her over the Roulette table**

**Bill: **Listen to your Uncle Bill. Playing the numbers is a mug's game; winning is about playing Red/Black and Odds/Evens.

**Penny**: (**adopting a child-like voice**) If you say so Uncle Bill.

**Bill**: You and that sassiness. It'll be your undoing! OK. Here are the rules. We will combine our stakes.** He counts their chips**. That makes $16k. Each of us will take turns betting. We will stay here for 30 minutes maximum after which we will divide what we have between the two of us, buy the best Champagne we can find with the winnings, and drink it on the balcony of my room whilst contemplating the world. I will start the ball rolling by placing $5000 of our hard-earned cash (I say this with no sense of irony) on Black, which is, of course, the only colour.

**Penny**: (**looks worried**) That's a lot of money for one bet.

**Bill**: As your friend John would say, "in for a penny…." Start living.

**Bill puts a $5000 chip on Black and the croupier spins the wheel. **

**Penny**: (**grabbing Bill's hand**) Come on Mr Black!

**Bill**: Are you talking to me or the table?

**The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 31 Black.

**Penny**: Yes! We are off to a flyer! My turn, my turn.

**Bill**: Not so quick. What are you going for?

**Penny**: (**Getting excited**) Red, I want Red.

**Bill**: Then Red it is. (**Bill puts winnings on Red**)

**Penny**: $10k? That's a gamble!

**Bill**: Watch and Learn.

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 25 Red.

**Penny**: Yes! We are on a roll! What now.

**Bill**: We are going Evens

**Penny**: Why? We were doing well on Colours.

**Bill**: Watch and Learn, my little one.

**Bill puts $20k on Evens**

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 8 Black.

**Penny**: (**She jumps up from the stool with her hands in the air**) And again! We are storming this.

**Bill**: Keep cool. We haven't stopped yet. Now where are you going?

**Penny**: Are we putting all on the next bet?

**Bill**: We certainly are.

**Penny**: $40k; on one bet? Doesn't sound right.

**Bill**: Keep trusting me.

**Penny**: In that case, it must be Black again.

**Bill**: Black it is. (**he puts the winnings onto Black**)

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 2 Black.

**Penny**: Yes! This is brilliant. (**She hugs Bill**).

**People have now gathered by the Roulette table and are watching them with interest**.

**Bystander 1**: That's Kaley and Stephen from that new show?

**Bystander 2**: I heard they were shooting an episode at the Casino. Do you think this is part of it or is this for real?

**Bystander 3**: Must be for real as Stephen isn't talking like Stephen if you get my meaning.

**Penny: (turning to Bill and bowing**) What now, oh great one!?

**Bill**: There's that sassiness again. Your father never did get firm with you, did he? My choice now and it's onto Odds. **(He is handed four $20k chips which he places on Odds)**

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The crowd watching the table has increased and all are following the ball as it spins. The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 17 Red.

**The crowd watching cheer. Someone shouts "Go Kaley". **

**Penny**: (**leaps up again and starts high fiving the people watching**) This is crazy, crazy. (**then to Bill**) Do we stop now? Quit whilst we're ahead?

**Bill**: (**looking into Penny's eyes**) We have only just started. Your choice now for $160k.

**Penny**: (**looking wor**r**ied**) I can't. That's just too much.

**Bill**: At the start of the evening, you were happy to lose $5k. You've still got that $5k and we've still got another (**he looks at his watch**) ten minutes to play this table. We are not leaving now.

**Penny**: (**looking seriously at Bill**) Ok. In that case. I'm going with Black again.

**Bill**: Always a good choice as far as I'm concerned. (**Bill takes the 8 * $20k chips and puts them on Black. The crowd watching gasp in unison. A voice shouts "Go Guys"**)

**The Casino Manager has come over to find out why the crowd is here. He nods to the Croupier to continue.**

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The crowd watching the table stop talking and all are following the ball as it spins. The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 6 Black.

**The crowd erupts, cheering. There are now more than 50 people following the game. They are all cheering for Penny and Bill. The Casino Manager steps forward.**

**Casino Manager**: Can we all try and stay calm? I know we all want our two stars here to keep winning but let's not get too carried away. (**He looks at Bill and Penny**). You guys really are on a roll. Are you carrying on?

**Bill**: But of course. (**He turns to Penny**) Even Stevens next I believe.

**The Croupier has given Bill 3* $100k chips and 1 * $20k. He puts them all on Evens. The crowd cheer; someone starts chanting "Go Nerds". The Casino Manager holds his hand up and the crowd settle down.**

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The crowd watching the table has increased and all are quiet following the ball as it spins. The ball stops.**

**Croupier**: 32 Red.

**The crowd erupts again. The noise goes on for nearly a minute before the Casino Manager calls for order**.

**Penny**: (**looking pleadingly at Bill**) Can we stop now? Can we walk away?

**Bill**: (**looking at his watch**) Just time for one more spin. What's it to be?

**Penny**: (**looking frightened**) I don't want to. I can't. This is more money that I have ever seen in my life. It just seems wrong.

**Bill:** It's only money, Penny. Don't let it rule you. Make a call.

**Penny**: (**leaning forward and whispering**) Black once more then.

**Bill**: (**to the crowd**) Black it is.

**He picks up the winnings from the last spin and puts the 6*$100k chips and the 2* $20k chips on to Black. The crowd gasp and then start talking amongst themselves. There is no cheering or calling out. **

**The Croupier looks at the Casino Manager for guidance who thinks for a second and then nods his head to tell the Croupier to proceed.**

**The croupier spins the wheel again. The crowd watching the table has increased and all are following the ball as it spins. It seems to spin much longer than previously. Finally, the ball stops. There seems to be a long wait before the Croupier speaks.**

**Croupier**: 35 Black.

**There is an explosion of noise. Everyone is cheering. Bill is high-fiving as many people as he can. Even the Casino Manager is clapping. Amongst all this chaos, Penny is left sitting in her seat, not saying anything.**

**Casino Manager**: Congratulations to you both. You've just won $1.28 million.

**The crowd cheer even more. **

**Bill**: (**Standing up and addressing everyone in Stephen's voice**) Thank you to all of you who have enjoyed our little show and hope that you will be tuned in on Monday night, when, who knows, you may see yourselves on TV.

**Bill**: (**Bill picks up the winnings and passes a $20k chip to the Croupier**) Spend it wisely. (**he turns to Penny and speaks again in Stephen's voice**) Come on Cinderella; let's go before we turn into little mice. (**He holds her arm as she stands up. She smiles at the group and they walk through with Bill still holding her arm**)

**Bystander 1**: Those two look mighty close.

**Bystander 2:** They do, don't they?

**Bystander 3:** But he's gay; he must be her GBF, you know, Gay Best Friend.

**Bystanders 1 and 2**: Of course, that's it.

**Scene 12**

**They are now up in Bill's suite. A Porter has just delivered a bottle of Champagne an ice bucket and two glasses. **

**Bill**: (**He holds the bottle up to review the label**) Champagne Krug Clos du Mesnil Blanc de Blancs 1995.

**Penny**: 1995? Didn't they have any more recent ones?

**Bill**: This, my young lady, will demonstrate that youth is not all its cracked up to be when it comes to fine wines and age has a lot to recommend it.

**Penny**: Full of wrinkles? Smells of embrocation?

**Bill**: Not that. It has depth: it has crispness; it has vivacity. It cost $1000.

**Penny**: How much? I could get 80 bottles of Prosecco for that much.

**Bill**: But you will remember this one long after the cheap Prosecco has been forgotten

**Bill opens the bottle very carefully. He pours two glasses and then puts the bottle back in the ice bucket.**

**Bill**: Here's to the two of us. We did not quite break the Bank at Monte Carlo but didn't do a bad job of the Sultan's Palace in Vegas.

**Penny**: To fun and money. May they stay with me forever.

**They both sip their drinks then drink them further. Both finish their glasses at the same time and put their glasses down. They then look at each other for a moment and suddenly move forward into an embrace.**

**Bill**: Are you sure?

**Penny**: Just, for once, shut up.

**Scene 13.**

**Penny is awake. Bill is next to her in the bed but is asleep. She gets carefully out of bed, so as not to disturb him, and quickly gets dressed.**

**Penny: (to herself) **How to make life complicated. I must be crazy. (**She looks at her watch**) 3.30. Time to go home

**She walks back to her room and takes a shower. She packs her cases and then goes down to reception. The Night Porter is on.**

**Night Porter: **Hi Miss Kaley sorry Miss Penny. Are you wanting to check out?

**Penny**: Please that would be great.

**Night Porter**: No problem. (**He checks her room number**). There are no extras to worry about. I hear from the guys that you had a great win on the tables last night. Wow you must feel life is just one great ride at present.

**Penny**: Well, you could say that. Is there someone who can bring my car around for me?

**Night Porter**. I'll give Julius a ring. He has been itching to give it a go.

**Penny**: Make sure he brings it in one piece!

**Night Porter**. Your not driving across the desert with all that money on you?

**Penny**: No, I'll let co-conspirator bank it for me.

**The Night Porter makes a call. Penny sits in the lobby in a pensive mood. She doesn't see Julius approach.**

**Penny**: (**talking to herself**) Mad, Mad, Mad and Bad, Bad, Bad.

**Julius**: Who me, Ma'm?

**Penny**: (**gets up**) No, not you. I was talking to myself.

**Julius**: Are you going to drive back to Sacramento now?

**Penny**: Yes, that's the plan.

**Julius**: Well take it easy. I don't want anything to happen to my favourite actress.

**He picks up Penny's bags and takes them to the car.**

**Penny**: Oh, thanks, that's sweet. (**she takes out a $50 bill and gives it to him)** Have a drink or two on me tonight.

**Julius**: I might do, or I might just get this framed as a keepsake.

**Penny gets in and waves goodbye as she pulls away from the Hotel. She turns on the radio and starts looking for a music channel.**

**Radio DJ: **And now, for you love birds, here's Mary McGregor with "Torn between two Lovers"..

**Penny**: Nope, don't think I can cope with that. (**she plays around with the dial**)

**She finds a new Music programme. There is a song already playing. It's Tom Jones singing Delilah**

**Tom Jones: "….**At break of day when that man went a way I was waiting. I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door. She stood there laughing…**  
Penny: (switching the radio off) **Remember not to laugh if Leonard ever finds out. Is this a judgement from on high? Whatever happened to some good old Rock and Roll.

**Scene 14 **

**Penny comes into the apartment. She looks at the wall clock. It is 7.30 in the morning.**

**Penny: **Home again**. **

**She puts the kettle on. Penny sits down on the sofa. Suddenly she starts crying.**

**At this point, Leonard comes through in this dressing gown.**

**Leonard: **Penny, what's up?

**Penny: (looks up and sees him) **Leonard! (**she wipes her eyes**) I'm sorry. I'm just pleased to be back.

**Leonard: **I wasn't expecting you until after lunch. (**They embrace) **You must have left at 4.00am. Why did you do that?

**Penny: **I wanted to get home and see you**. **

**Leonard: **That's nice. So why the tears?

**Penny: **I'm just not feeling me, at present. Everyone I see is so nice to me, although they call me Kaley, but I don't mind that. I'm just feeling like Penny, that's all, yet my life seems to be all Kaley. And last night I had a weird experience in the Casino at the Roulette Table.

**Leonard**: (**looking worried**) Did you lose a lot of money?

**Penny**: No, in fact quite the opposite. I made an obscene amount of money, in less than 30 minutes.

**Leonard**: (**looking even more worried**) What doing?

**Penny**: Playing Roulette. Bill and I kept winning and just putting all our money on the next bet. We started with $5000 betting on odds/evens or red/black. And we won 8 times on the spin.

**Leonard**: (**thinks quickly**) You won $1.28 million?

**Penny**: We did.

**Leonard**: So, why the tears?

**Penny**: It isn't me. (**she points to herself**) This Penny doesn't do things like that. People don't tell me I'm great all the time. This Penny was always broke. Now look at me. I drive a flashy car; I give $50 tips; I drink $1000 champagne. Is this the Penny you married?

**Leonard**: $1000 champagne? When was that?

**Penny**: Last night; after we won the money.

**Leonard**: I don't care. You're still the Penny I love.

**Penny**: You don't want the old Penny back? If you do, I'd stop tomorrow and go back to working as a waitress.

**Leonard**: I don't want you to. It's hard for me to deal with who you've become but it's still you behind it all. And I am so proud of you.

**Penny**: Leonard Hofstadter. I do love you.

**Leonard: **Then why don't you get into bed and we'll discuss this in more depth** (he starts taking his dressing gown off) **

**Penny: (to herself) **In for a Penny**…..**

**Author's Footnote: **

**It seems appropriate for me to bring this series to a close in the same week that BBT has finished. **

**In my view, BBT missed a trick by looking to tie up as many lose ends as possible in the final episode. Happy Ever After seems too easy. I've left Penny rich and famous, but at the same time ****"torn between two lovers". Leonard, who is never happier than when he's worried, is now happily worried. **

**Howard has had his "sliding doors" moment and realises that his current life is much better than the fantasy life he once craved. Raj can fantasise over Bernie by watching Chandra date her doppelganger on the show. Only Sheldon and Amy are left unaffected by Penny's "looking glass" of the title. Maybe that is Sheldon's role in life-not to change even in a mirror!**

**For those of you who have followed my story to the end, thank you for your support and feedback and circulate it to friends and family. I have enjoyed it.**


End file.
